so i felt like adding an প্রবন্ধ but my mind went blank and then i remembered i hadnt updated MBK for ages on here, i pretty much only do it for hannah who doesnt read it on fanfiction.net even though thats chapter ahead :P
Chapter Twenty-Three
*Abby*
There was a time when I was a little girl when I believed anything was possible, when magic existed without question, and I trusted what those around me said. Santa Clause existed because my father took me to see him every year, মৎসকুমারী were out there because my mother read me 'The Little Mermaid' before I went to sleep, such trust children have in the world and the adults around them. How easy it is to spin a web of lies.
For years I use to watch the light hit the dust, amazed as they glowed and twinkled, floating in the air, to me though they were flying and I tried to catch them. I never could, they were too fast. In my innocence I believed those little flecks of dust were fairies, and I could stare at them for what seemed like hours wondering what they were thinking, where they were going, why they wouldn't ever talk to me. Sawyer and Keith were the ones who span that story, and it was Ty who eventually clued me in.
The world just didn't seem so magical after that. I guess everything has an explanation, numbers and equations and reasons to sap the mystery and wonder of it all. Still sometimes I like to stare at the dust as the sun catches them and sets them afire, I watch the way they flit in the air and pretend that they could be fairies. Maybe reason is wrong?
Keith's bedroom window is directly in line with the rising sun; I can already hear the birds and the rustle of voices and feet around the house but I ignore it and just stare at those dust fairies.
"Should we wake her?" I hear my dad's voice at the doorway and I quickly shut my eyes and try to regulate my breathing.
There's a pause before my mom answers, I can tell she's half smiling "no, let her sleep some more" and then they are gone and I'm alone. Slowly I open my eyes again.
Being in Keith's room makes me feel somehow safer, as if দ্বারা being in here I have Keith right পরবর্তি to me telling me what to do, helping me think about it all. Keith doesn't say much but he just has a way to make it all make sense. His room gives me that same feeling. It smells like him, and his shelves of বই stand there in their neat order, everything has its place in Keith's room. When I'm in here I feel like I have a place to belong too.
It still feels sort of weird though, being in here without Keith. I half expect him to appear with his sunny smile and kind eyes, he'll sit down beside me, খুঁজুন into my soul and say something like "you know what to do" because he knows what I'm thinking before I do most of the time.
Except I don't know what to do, I have no idea what is right and wrong anymore. I feel like I'm the কুইন on a chessboard and it's checkmate, no matter what সরানো I make someone's going to come and knock me off.
…
After my ঝরনা I tiptoe down the stairs, my sneakers carried in one hand. I can hear the muffled voices of my parents, and then my mothers sudden laughter, I peek into the রান্নাঘর to see Dad whispering into her neck as her laughter becomes a giggle. While I watch his hand around her waist takes hold of her hand and he's spinning her around and for a moment they hold each other as if they are dancing before dad pulls her into his chest and knots his hands at the base of her spine, he leans down and their noses touch. All laughter is gone, I can't hear their voices but I see their lips move.
Just when Dad goes to চুম্বন Mom she pulls away and slaps him on the shoulder.
Before they notice me I slip away, the front door closes quietly behind me and I stop for a moment to put my sneakers on before heading over to Sawyer's. For some reason I put a bounce in my step, taking them two at a time.
It's quiet, "Sawyer?" I call out after I knock, then I knock again.
My feet go up and down as I impatiently wait, looking between the door in front of me and the house, "hey Sawy" and I give one hard bang to the door, I'm about to do it again when I hear the locks being turned and the chains being removed, Sawyer flings open the door, I see a flash of blonde hair as she moves away.
"Shut it" she says and I quickly step into her room and close the door, "and keep your fucking voice down" her hand goes to her head and I roll my eyes. Hung over, what a shocker, scoffing I knock a bottle over with my foot "late night h-" I begin but then Sawyer turns around and I can't speak.
"Don't" Sawyer holds out her hand but I still সরানো forward, knocking her hand down I touch her cheek, "it's nothing" she insists.
There's a chill inside me, "is this why you're avoiding everyone? Sawyer, what am I gonna do with you"
And she has the nerve to smile, "shouldn't I say that to you" and she gives me the Scott smirk before plopping down on the bed.
"It's not funny"
"The whole world's just one joke, Abby, one big fucking joke" and I hate how there is so little emotion in her voice.
I just sit পরবর্তি to her and look around, everything has been piled up, it's still a mess but somehow organised অথবা at least she was halfway doing it. Dirty clothes are up against her desk, a pack of cigarettes has fallen onto the ground, its contents spilled on the floor, and most of the empty bottles are দ্বারা the door. She never seems to finish anything she starts.
She sighs, "it's over, I promise, finished"
The thing is though; I don't believe her as easily as I did when I was a little kid. This isn't a trick of the light, and this isn't some daydream. It's nice to pretend in পরী and all that stuff, white lies অথবা whatever.
Now it's just me listening to her excuses.
"Promise?" I hold out my pinkie finger and she loops her own with it, "promise me Sawyer because I swear I'll go to Mom and Dad-"
"Hey, hey, no reason to go dramatic"
Right because I'm the dramatic one in the family. I just kink my brow at her.
"I won't say it twice" she shoots back, rolling her eyes at me. She's already forgetting the promise I can tell, she's getting up and reaching for a lighter, "fuck the last thing we need is আরো drama shit" and she finds her lighter, bringing it to the cigarette in one hand.
"You also ব্যক্ত আপনি would quit" I point out.
She sits back down on the বিছানা and crosses her legs, Sawyer sends me a disapproving look, "last time I checked my mother was dead and she wasn't you"
She's so frustrating. I stand up and walk away flinging behind me "Fine then, I'll just go tell my mom-" and I choke as her hand grabs the back of my মণ্ডল and drags me to her, cutting my sentence off.
"Don't আপনি dare" she spins me around and puts her face into mine, "say one word to Mom and I will go have a talk with her and Dad about what all this shit is really about, huh?" and then she abruptly pushes me away.
"You seem আরো anxious than usual" I মতামত when Sawyer starts to pace and continues smoking.
"Yeah well Allie's back, ain't she"
For a সেকেন্ড I think I've heard wrong, I shake my head, "what?" I practically scream.
This could screw up everything.
Isn't that what আপনি want? Another voice whispers darkly.
"Yeah little miss I-want-to-be-happy has decided to grow a pair, fucking little shit had the nerve to talk back to me after what she did" Sawyer's pacing grows quicker. What did Allie say to her? Whatever it was it got to Sawyer. My sister turns to me and stops, "why aren't আপনি freaking out here?" and that cigarette is back to her lips.
What am I meant to do, pace up and down, because yeah she's got that covered, "it won't change anything" I just say. Wow, now I'm lying.
"No it'll just screw with Keith's head some more, we can't take it back Abby, it's way too late for the rules to change again. Fuck, I should have never let আপনি guys start it"
"You didn't let us do anything"
Her blue eyes widen, "I sure as hell didn't stop you!" and then she winces when she accidentally bumps her wrist on one of the shelves and starts a stream of curses.
Just then her phone starts ringing, holding her wrist Sawyer looks at the screen and then walks away, still cursing but আরো quietly.
Taking a guess I go with my gut "Van?"
"Like I said, it is over" she turns her wrist side to side and then glances at me through the corner of my eye, "anyway seeing আপনি don't care about the Allie situation maybe আপনি should just go, head off to school like the little অ্যাঞ্জেল আপনি are" and I have a feeling she doesn't mean that as a compliment.
"I care about you" though sometimes I wonder why.
This time when she smirks its less cocky, Sawyer walks straight up to me and places a hand through my hair, holding my head she looks at me and softens, "and I appreciate it but I've got this covered, trust me, okay, I'm a big girl" and she ruffles my hair.
This may sound terrible, don't get me wrong I প্রণয় my sister, it is just I don't have the biggest trust in her. Not when it comes to her promises. Sawyer has the habit of saying one thing and doing something completely different, she has her own agenda most of the time and it changes to suit her.
I don't know everything about her but I know there are secrets, I know that অগ্রদূত is no good and there are too many bruises she's tried to hide. It's never been ব্যক্ত but I know it's him. The uneasy feeling won't leave me and my face must give me away for Sawyer puts on a smile and tugs at my hand with her good one. After dragging me back to the বিছানা Sawyer sits behind me and reaches for a brush, then I feel her part my hair and start to brush it.
We are silent for a long time but I can't get that bruised face out of my head, I've never seen a mark on her face before. It makes it all so much আরো real.
"Why do আপনি stay with him?" I ask in a whisper, my chin lowers. The brush stills and then I feel Sawyer pull one side into a piggy tail, she ties it up and as she moves to the other side she answers.
"He makes me feel something" she sighs.
"Do আপনি প্রণয় him?" people do strange things for প্রণয় but I can't connect that word to Sawyer and Van. She flicks my new piggy tails to the front and then cups my shoulders with her hands and rest her chin on my left shoulder.
But she doesn't answer me.
"Is that what প্রণয় is, hurting someone?" surely it isn't meant to be this way.
"No" she finally says and her fingers dig into my shoulders briefly before she completely lets go of me, "now আপনি really should go finish getting ready"
This time I just nod and go to leave but at the door I turn back, "Sawyer?"
"Yeah"
"Maybe trying to be happy isn't a bad thing" and I leave before she says anything back. I only want her to at least think about it.
Not wanting to get on her wrong side I make sure I shut Sawyer's door and sure enough straight after I hear the locks click into place.
When I turn the corner I collide straight into Mom, "morning" she says but she is looking towards the garage, "did আপনি just see Sawyer?"
"Uh-" I just want the lies to stop but I need to say one more, "no, she's not home" and I watch as Mom's face falls in disappointment.
"Oh" she breathes out in shock and my eyes stray to where she nervously plays with her fingers, I can see the thoughts turning inside Mom's head. There is only so long we can keep her away from the truth, all the truths.
A darkness builds up inside me but I take one of her hands into mine, distracting her, giving her purpose, looking up at her I smile "are আপনি taking me to school today?" and I দোল our joined hands between up. Just like that her attention is switched, she looks at our hands and smiles slightly, almost bewildered, and then looks into my eyes, "okay" mom says and I lead her back to the house.
…
This morning is still on my mind when the final ঘণ্টা rings and I get up to leave my class, a part of me expected to be interrupted again and dragged out early but the দিন went দ্বারা almost normally. অথবা maybe I think it did because I was only half paying attention. Either way I step outside and look around for any sign of reporters, hugging my self when the cold wind brushes দ্বারা me.
A few other kids knock me and I step aside too late, my shoulder getting jarred দ্বারা the collision. Once again I have faded into the background.
Alone I walk across the grass, going over my classes inside my head like I usually do, trying to make sense of what they were trying to tell me, twisting it until it resembles a picture I can understand. School seems so mundane, perhaps I am too young for that word, and laughing at myself I get হারিয়ে গেছে in the daydreams that so easily take me away sometimes.
I think about a different life I could have, one where I'm an only child, I'm lonely I think. Pausing under a বৃক্ষ another gust of wind causes leaves to fall down on me, this me can talk to the trees and the flowers. What would they say? What stories would they share? Do they know secrets; maybe they can whisper the future, sending warnings.
My sneakers sink into the ঘাস and I watch the ground as I walk, the patterns in the ঘাস dancing in my vision. This other me can read the patterns, she doesn't always like what she sees. She's stubborn like Sawyer, thoughtful like Keith, she has weary grey eyes like Allie, in my mind this other me becomes somebody else entirely, she's aged, a style forms in my mind.
And with the sounds of the town coming alive around me a name comes to me, her name is Harley. A dog barks in the distance and my head snaps up, I see the golden retriever jumping up into the arms of a woman, a smile splits her face and I suddenly become entranced দ্বারা the picture they make. Two such different beings, বন্ধু nonetheless. Harley's only friend is a dog named Emerson, who leads her around as if she is blind. Eyes into the real world as Harley sees into another one.
It's just a scrap of a story, when I get প্রথমপাতা I'll most likely jot it down and then like always leave it forgotten with all the other ideas. One দিন I'm going to have an idea that won't get put aside so easily, that's what Dad told me.
"You look happier today" a voice brings me crashing back to earth, really take notice of everything around me I see Julian standing a couple of feet away.
I look around frantically and then I see Mom's car parked under the বৃক্ষ where it always is, I hope too far away to pay attention to us. Frowning at Julian I make my voice harder than it really is, "what are আপনি doing here?"
"I thought we needed to talk" and he looks very serious.
I was hoping he would leave it alone, "look, about last night…" but no words come to me to finish that sentence.
He chuckles, "let me explain it for you-" and then all humour drops and he's that serious guy again "- আপনি don't want this case to go through, আপনি never did"
"I have no idea what you're talking about" and I mentally cringe as I give a fake laugh, like that's convincing. Julian steps in front of me to block my escape but I just go around him and walk faster.
He follows behind me, "Abby, wait, if someone is pressuring আপনি to do this, one of your parents, your sister, আপনি can tell-"
"What? What?" I spin back around stopping him in his tracks. He gets it so wrong sometimes, its unbelievable.
"Nobody can force আপনি to do this" he says.
I just shake my head, "what makes আপনি think anyone is forcing me?"
"I don't know, আপনি call me crying saying আপনি don't want to, just a thought" and he just looks at me.
The moment I got off the phone I had known it was a big, big mistake but I couldn't take it back and now the পরবর্তি দিন I have to live with the consequences. I could do two things, tell Julian the truth অথবা keep lying. It's not that simple though, it's not my choice, I need permission before I can stop this. I didn't think of that when I called him last night but afterwards it had come back to me. So I can't let Julian know the truth.
When I don't reply he becomes আরো determined, "if আপনি don't want to talk about it I'm sure Sam would like to hear what I have to say, অথবা maybe Lucas অথবা Brooke"
Fear fills me. I can't break my promise.
"You can't, you're not allowed to" I quickly throw back at him, "if আপনি break my… confidence, I can have আপনি debarred অথবা whatever it is" I hope he can't tell how nervous I am but I can't have him tell anyone. Straightening up with fake daring I look Julian straight in the eye, "I refuse to let আপনি tell anyone that it wasn't my idea"
His mouth falls open, after a few সেকেন্ড he closes it and I take the opportunity to walk away.
"It was Keith, wasn't it?" his voice reaches me just when I think I'm safe. My back stiffens but I don't look back, I think that was answer enough, I hear him sigh and I just continue to walk off.
…
"You tell them আপনি want it to stop" my brother told me when I asked him what was I meant to say when they ask me why. It didn't seem simple then, it still doesn't.
I had shaken my head, "that's not how I want it to end"
"Then it never will" his voice had become hard, angry like I'd never heard him "when is enough going to be enough Abby, I'm tired okay, can't আপনি just do this one thing for me"
Never seeing Keith like that there seemed no real way to respond, "they won't believe me"
Keith had gone quiet for a while, "they won't want to but a part of them will" and then he'd speared me with his deep gaze "because we all just want it to stop"
"They won't" was all I ব্যক্ত back. It's all I could believe. It still gets me, I still think they all know I'm lying and every দিন this charade last I think it's going to be the last but I made a promise.
"Promise me" he'd demanded, eyes fierce and আরো alive than I'd seen them in weeks, "promise me আপনি won't let me down"
And with a reluctant "I promise" my fate was sealed.
Now I leave Julian behind, another person who knows the truth, and head towards my mom, she greets me with a wide smile, "hi there"
"Hey" and after buckling my seatbelt I look around again, "it's quiet today"
Not looking at me Mom starts the car and begins to drive off, her eyes on the road she says "we released a press statement today" and before I know it we're at a set of lights and she's looking at me, "I'm sorry আপনি have to go through all this. I know our family can be like a three ring circus sometimes… I just want আপনি to know-" she struggles with the words.
"I know" I tell her and she nods, "good" Mom gives a small smile and her dimples deepen but then the light turns green and we're on the go again.
Guilt fills me, it feels like I'm piling lie onto lie when all she wants to do is make things right. One দিন though I'm going to explain it all to Mom, I'm going to tell her its not because we didn't প্রণয় her অথবা each other enough, if anything it is the complete opposite.
I tell myself just one আরো day, and tomorrow I'll say the same.
Chapter Twenty-Three
*Abby*
There was a time when I was a little girl when I believed anything was possible, when magic existed without question, and I trusted what those around me said. Santa Clause existed because my father took me to see him every year, মৎসকুমারী were out there because my mother read me 'The Little Mermaid' before I went to sleep, such trust children have in the world and the adults around them. How easy it is to spin a web of lies.
For years I use to watch the light hit the dust, amazed as they glowed and twinkled, floating in the air, to me though they were flying and I tried to catch them. I never could, they were too fast. In my innocence I believed those little flecks of dust were fairies, and I could stare at them for what seemed like hours wondering what they were thinking, where they were going, why they wouldn't ever talk to me. Sawyer and Keith were the ones who span that story, and it was Ty who eventually clued me in.
The world just didn't seem so magical after that. I guess everything has an explanation, numbers and equations and reasons to sap the mystery and wonder of it all. Still sometimes I like to stare at the dust as the sun catches them and sets them afire, I watch the way they flit in the air and pretend that they could be fairies. Maybe reason is wrong?
Keith's bedroom window is directly in line with the rising sun; I can already hear the birds and the rustle of voices and feet around the house but I ignore it and just stare at those dust fairies.
"Should we wake her?" I hear my dad's voice at the doorway and I quickly shut my eyes and try to regulate my breathing.
There's a pause before my mom answers, I can tell she's half smiling "no, let her sleep some more" and then they are gone and I'm alone. Slowly I open my eyes again.
Being in Keith's room makes me feel somehow safer, as if দ্বারা being in here I have Keith right পরবর্তি to me telling me what to do, helping me think about it all. Keith doesn't say much but he just has a way to make it all make sense. His room gives me that same feeling. It smells like him, and his shelves of বই stand there in their neat order, everything has its place in Keith's room. When I'm in here I feel like I have a place to belong too.
It still feels sort of weird though, being in here without Keith. I half expect him to appear with his sunny smile and kind eyes, he'll sit down beside me, খুঁজুন into my soul and say something like "you know what to do" because he knows what I'm thinking before I do most of the time.
Except I don't know what to do, I have no idea what is right and wrong anymore. I feel like I'm the কুইন on a chessboard and it's checkmate, no matter what সরানো I make someone's going to come and knock me off.
…
After my ঝরনা I tiptoe down the stairs, my sneakers carried in one hand. I can hear the muffled voices of my parents, and then my mothers sudden laughter, I peek into the রান্নাঘর to see Dad whispering into her neck as her laughter becomes a giggle. While I watch his hand around her waist takes hold of her hand and he's spinning her around and for a moment they hold each other as if they are dancing before dad pulls her into his chest and knots his hands at the base of her spine, he leans down and their noses touch. All laughter is gone, I can't hear their voices but I see their lips move.
Just when Dad goes to চুম্বন Mom she pulls away and slaps him on the shoulder.
Before they notice me I slip away, the front door closes quietly behind me and I stop for a moment to put my sneakers on before heading over to Sawyer's. For some reason I put a bounce in my step, taking them two at a time.
It's quiet, "Sawyer?" I call out after I knock, then I knock again.
My feet go up and down as I impatiently wait, looking between the door in front of me and the house, "hey Sawy" and I give one hard bang to the door, I'm about to do it again when I hear the locks being turned and the chains being removed, Sawyer flings open the door, I see a flash of blonde hair as she moves away.
"Shut it" she says and I quickly step into her room and close the door, "and keep your fucking voice down" her hand goes to her head and I roll my eyes. Hung over, what a shocker, scoffing I knock a bottle over with my foot "late night h-" I begin but then Sawyer turns around and I can't speak.
"Don't" Sawyer holds out her hand but I still সরানো forward, knocking her hand down I touch her cheek, "it's nothing" she insists.
There's a chill inside me, "is this why you're avoiding everyone? Sawyer, what am I gonna do with you"
And she has the nerve to smile, "shouldn't I say that to you" and she gives me the Scott smirk before plopping down on the bed.
"It's not funny"
"The whole world's just one joke, Abby, one big fucking joke" and I hate how there is so little emotion in her voice.
I just sit পরবর্তি to her and look around, everything has been piled up, it's still a mess but somehow organised অথবা at least she was halfway doing it. Dirty clothes are up against her desk, a pack of cigarettes has fallen onto the ground, its contents spilled on the floor, and most of the empty bottles are দ্বারা the door. She never seems to finish anything she starts.
She sighs, "it's over, I promise, finished"
The thing is though; I don't believe her as easily as I did when I was a little kid. This isn't a trick of the light, and this isn't some daydream. It's nice to pretend in পরী and all that stuff, white lies অথবা whatever.
Now it's just me listening to her excuses.
"Promise?" I hold out my pinkie finger and she loops her own with it, "promise me Sawyer because I swear I'll go to Mom and Dad-"
"Hey, hey, no reason to go dramatic"
Right because I'm the dramatic one in the family. I just kink my brow at her.
"I won't say it twice" she shoots back, rolling her eyes at me. She's already forgetting the promise I can tell, she's getting up and reaching for a lighter, "fuck the last thing we need is আরো drama shit" and she finds her lighter, bringing it to the cigarette in one hand.
"You also ব্যক্ত আপনি would quit" I point out.
She sits back down on the বিছানা and crosses her legs, Sawyer sends me a disapproving look, "last time I checked my mother was dead and she wasn't you"
She's so frustrating. I stand up and walk away flinging behind me "Fine then, I'll just go tell my mom-" and I choke as her hand grabs the back of my মণ্ডল and drags me to her, cutting my sentence off.
"Don't আপনি dare" she spins me around and puts her face into mine, "say one word to Mom and I will go have a talk with her and Dad about what all this shit is really about, huh?" and then she abruptly pushes me away.
"You seem আরো anxious than usual" I মতামত when Sawyer starts to pace and continues smoking.
"Yeah well Allie's back, ain't she"
For a সেকেন্ড I think I've heard wrong, I shake my head, "what?" I practically scream.
This could screw up everything.
Isn't that what আপনি want? Another voice whispers darkly.
"Yeah little miss I-want-to-be-happy has decided to grow a pair, fucking little shit had the nerve to talk back to me after what she did" Sawyer's pacing grows quicker. What did Allie say to her? Whatever it was it got to Sawyer. My sister turns to me and stops, "why aren't আপনি freaking out here?" and that cigarette is back to her lips.
What am I meant to do, pace up and down, because yeah she's got that covered, "it won't change anything" I just say. Wow, now I'm lying.
"No it'll just screw with Keith's head some more, we can't take it back Abby, it's way too late for the rules to change again. Fuck, I should have never let আপনি guys start it"
"You didn't let us do anything"
Her blue eyes widen, "I sure as hell didn't stop you!" and then she winces when she accidentally bumps her wrist on one of the shelves and starts a stream of curses.
Just then her phone starts ringing, holding her wrist Sawyer looks at the screen and then walks away, still cursing but আরো quietly.
Taking a guess I go with my gut "Van?"
"Like I said, it is over" she turns her wrist side to side and then glances at me through the corner of my eye, "anyway seeing আপনি don't care about the Allie situation maybe আপনি should just go, head off to school like the little অ্যাঞ্জেল আপনি are" and I have a feeling she doesn't mean that as a compliment.
"I care about you" though sometimes I wonder why.
This time when she smirks its less cocky, Sawyer walks straight up to me and places a hand through my hair, holding my head she looks at me and softens, "and I appreciate it but I've got this covered, trust me, okay, I'm a big girl" and she ruffles my hair.
This may sound terrible, don't get me wrong I প্রণয় my sister, it is just I don't have the biggest trust in her. Not when it comes to her promises. Sawyer has the habit of saying one thing and doing something completely different, she has her own agenda most of the time and it changes to suit her.
I don't know everything about her but I know there are secrets, I know that অগ্রদূত is no good and there are too many bruises she's tried to hide. It's never been ব্যক্ত but I know it's him. The uneasy feeling won't leave me and my face must give me away for Sawyer puts on a smile and tugs at my hand with her good one. After dragging me back to the বিছানা Sawyer sits behind me and reaches for a brush, then I feel her part my hair and start to brush it.
We are silent for a long time but I can't get that bruised face out of my head, I've never seen a mark on her face before. It makes it all so much আরো real.
"Why do আপনি stay with him?" I ask in a whisper, my chin lowers. The brush stills and then I feel Sawyer pull one side into a piggy tail, she ties it up and as she moves to the other side she answers.
"He makes me feel something" she sighs.
"Do আপনি প্রণয় him?" people do strange things for প্রণয় but I can't connect that word to Sawyer and Van. She flicks my new piggy tails to the front and then cups my shoulders with her hands and rest her chin on my left shoulder.
But she doesn't answer me.
"Is that what প্রণয় is, hurting someone?" surely it isn't meant to be this way.
"No" she finally says and her fingers dig into my shoulders briefly before she completely lets go of me, "now আপনি really should go finish getting ready"
This time I just nod and go to leave but at the door I turn back, "Sawyer?"
"Yeah"
"Maybe trying to be happy isn't a bad thing" and I leave before she says anything back. I only want her to at least think about it.
Not wanting to get on her wrong side I make sure I shut Sawyer's door and sure enough straight after I hear the locks click into place.
When I turn the corner I collide straight into Mom, "morning" she says but she is looking towards the garage, "did আপনি just see Sawyer?"
"Uh-" I just want the lies to stop but I need to say one more, "no, she's not home" and I watch as Mom's face falls in disappointment.
"Oh" she breathes out in shock and my eyes stray to where she nervously plays with her fingers, I can see the thoughts turning inside Mom's head. There is only so long we can keep her away from the truth, all the truths.
A darkness builds up inside me but I take one of her hands into mine, distracting her, giving her purpose, looking up at her I smile "are আপনি taking me to school today?" and I দোল our joined hands between up. Just like that her attention is switched, she looks at our hands and smiles slightly, almost bewildered, and then looks into my eyes, "okay" mom says and I lead her back to the house.
…
This morning is still on my mind when the final ঘণ্টা rings and I get up to leave my class, a part of me expected to be interrupted again and dragged out early but the দিন went দ্বারা almost normally. অথবা maybe I think it did because I was only half paying attention. Either way I step outside and look around for any sign of reporters, hugging my self when the cold wind brushes দ্বারা me.
A few other kids knock me and I step aside too late, my shoulder getting jarred দ্বারা the collision. Once again I have faded into the background.
Alone I walk across the grass, going over my classes inside my head like I usually do, trying to make sense of what they were trying to tell me, twisting it until it resembles a picture I can understand. School seems so mundane, perhaps I am too young for that word, and laughing at myself I get হারিয়ে গেছে in the daydreams that so easily take me away sometimes.
I think about a different life I could have, one where I'm an only child, I'm lonely I think. Pausing under a বৃক্ষ another gust of wind causes leaves to fall down on me, this me can talk to the trees and the flowers. What would they say? What stories would they share? Do they know secrets; maybe they can whisper the future, sending warnings.
My sneakers sink into the ঘাস and I watch the ground as I walk, the patterns in the ঘাস dancing in my vision. This other me can read the patterns, she doesn't always like what she sees. She's stubborn like Sawyer, thoughtful like Keith, she has weary grey eyes like Allie, in my mind this other me becomes somebody else entirely, she's aged, a style forms in my mind.
And with the sounds of the town coming alive around me a name comes to me, her name is Harley. A dog barks in the distance and my head snaps up, I see the golden retriever jumping up into the arms of a woman, a smile splits her face and I suddenly become entranced দ্বারা the picture they make. Two such different beings, বন্ধু nonetheless. Harley's only friend is a dog named Emerson, who leads her around as if she is blind. Eyes into the real world as Harley sees into another one.
It's just a scrap of a story, when I get প্রথমপাতা I'll most likely jot it down and then like always leave it forgotten with all the other ideas. One দিন I'm going to have an idea that won't get put aside so easily, that's what Dad told me.
"You look happier today" a voice brings me crashing back to earth, really take notice of everything around me I see Julian standing a couple of feet away.
I look around frantically and then I see Mom's car parked under the বৃক্ষ where it always is, I hope too far away to pay attention to us. Frowning at Julian I make my voice harder than it really is, "what are আপনি doing here?"
"I thought we needed to talk" and he looks very serious.
I was hoping he would leave it alone, "look, about last night…" but no words come to me to finish that sentence.
He chuckles, "let me explain it for you-" and then all humour drops and he's that serious guy again "- আপনি don't want this case to go through, আপনি never did"
"I have no idea what you're talking about" and I mentally cringe as I give a fake laugh, like that's convincing. Julian steps in front of me to block my escape but I just go around him and walk faster.
He follows behind me, "Abby, wait, if someone is pressuring আপনি to do this, one of your parents, your sister, আপনি can tell-"
"What? What?" I spin back around stopping him in his tracks. He gets it so wrong sometimes, its unbelievable.
"Nobody can force আপনি to do this" he says.
I just shake my head, "what makes আপনি think anyone is forcing me?"
"I don't know, আপনি call me crying saying আপনি don't want to, just a thought" and he just looks at me.
The moment I got off the phone I had known it was a big, big mistake but I couldn't take it back and now the পরবর্তি দিন I have to live with the consequences. I could do two things, tell Julian the truth অথবা keep lying. It's not that simple though, it's not my choice, I need permission before I can stop this. I didn't think of that when I called him last night but afterwards it had come back to me. So I can't let Julian know the truth.
When I don't reply he becomes আরো determined, "if আপনি don't want to talk about it I'm sure Sam would like to hear what I have to say, অথবা maybe Lucas অথবা Brooke"
Fear fills me. I can't break my promise.
"You can't, you're not allowed to" I quickly throw back at him, "if আপনি break my… confidence, I can have আপনি debarred অথবা whatever it is" I hope he can't tell how nervous I am but I can't have him tell anyone. Straightening up with fake daring I look Julian straight in the eye, "I refuse to let আপনি tell anyone that it wasn't my idea"
His mouth falls open, after a few সেকেন্ড he closes it and I take the opportunity to walk away.
"It was Keith, wasn't it?" his voice reaches me just when I think I'm safe. My back stiffens but I don't look back, I think that was answer enough, I hear him sigh and I just continue to walk off.
…
"You tell them আপনি want it to stop" my brother told me when I asked him what was I meant to say when they ask me why. It didn't seem simple then, it still doesn't.
I had shaken my head, "that's not how I want it to end"
"Then it never will" his voice had become hard, angry like I'd never heard him "when is enough going to be enough Abby, I'm tired okay, can't আপনি just do this one thing for me"
Never seeing Keith like that there seemed no real way to respond, "they won't believe me"
Keith had gone quiet for a while, "they won't want to but a part of them will" and then he'd speared me with his deep gaze "because we all just want it to stop"
"They won't" was all I ব্যক্ত back. It's all I could believe. It still gets me, I still think they all know I'm lying and every দিন this charade last I think it's going to be the last but I made a promise.
"Promise me" he'd demanded, eyes fierce and আরো alive than I'd seen them in weeks, "promise me আপনি won't let me down"
And with a reluctant "I promise" my fate was sealed.
Now I leave Julian behind, another person who knows the truth, and head towards my mom, she greets me with a wide smile, "hi there"
"Hey" and after buckling my seatbelt I look around again, "it's quiet today"
Not looking at me Mom starts the car and begins to drive off, her eyes on the road she says "we released a press statement today" and before I know it we're at a set of lights and she's looking at me, "I'm sorry আপনি have to go through all this. I know our family can be like a three ring circus sometimes… I just want আপনি to know-" she struggles with the words.
"I know" I tell her and she nods, "good" Mom gives a small smile and her dimples deepen but then the light turns green and we're on the go again.
Guilt fills me, it feels like I'm piling lie onto lie when all she wants to do is make things right. One দিন though I'm going to explain it all to Mom, I'm going to tell her its not because we didn't প্রণয় her অথবা each other enough, if anything it is the complete opposite.
I tell myself just one আরো day, and tomorrow I'll say the same.