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If Snow White is more your jam, click here for a continuation of this post.
You have red hair, either natural or from a box. You were in your high school\'s most elite choir group. One time a guy took you on an impromptu date to a local crab boil and you burst into tears. You were the only person who watched Ryan Lochte\'s
show. You hoard a bunch of weird stuff nobody else cares about, but your friends are too nice to suggest you get rid of it. You tend to make impulsive life decisions based on men. Like moving to Tulsa to be with him since he got that job in Tulsa, or getting rid of your tail, forever.
You have both contacts and glasses but prefer glasses. You own both a Nook and a Kindle. You once dumped a guy for not pronouncing "Que sera sera" correctly, even though he had great hair and an awesome car. Your friends tell you that you are too picky. You can get a little bit up your own ass about books. Remember: You are not the only one who has an opinion about Jonathan Franzen.
When you and your girls stay out late at a bar, you are the one who stands there with her arms crossed, looking hot but terrifying, glaring at the guys who hit on your friends. You have one of those Twitters like "#ShitPeopleOnTheBusSay" or "#OverheardInTheElevator" or "#EveryoneIsStupidButMe." The only thing on Earth you truly love unconditionally is your pet tiger, and even he\'s not into your buzzkill bullsh*t all the time. It\'s good you\'re cynical, but crack a smile occasionally!
You are an uptalker. "Stop saying everything like a question!" the cranky old co-worker in the next cube yells, but you can\'t help it. You glide through the world inside a Teflon bubble of positivity. Every morning, as you step out of your house, a cartoon bluebird flies up and drops an Anthropologie gift card into your hand.
You sing a little song about how much you enjoy filing people\'s life insurance policies, how it fills your heart with music and gladness, even though the cartoon bluebirds do most of the paperwork for you.
You\'re tired right now. Sooooooooooooo tired.
You\'ve always had problems with your father\'s authority. He sets you up with the kind of guys who don\'t know how to play the game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, and didn\'t even get it when you tried to explain it to them ("See, it\'s like, Hugh Grant — Notting Hill — Julia Roberts — Flatliners — oh, forget it."). But it\'s unclear whether the guys you do go for are actually your type, or just the type who will piss your dad off.
You try to paint with at least one color of the wind once a week, but your roommate gets all annoyed that you\'re trashing the apartment.
You spill some kind of non-water liquid on yourself every day and cannot walk in heels. You say things like "Hop off my dick" when people are annoying you. You are a little too self-deprecating around men. Every time you are in conflict or danger, Eddie Murphy appears in a dragon suit and quips at you. Every time you are in the throes of a strong emotion, Christina Aguilera sings the shit out of a ballad about it.
Click here to read part two of this post, including Esmerelda, Snow White, and more.
Jasmine will blow your mind. By Nicole Solofsky
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