I will wait for Him
I feel so foolish. Here I am 3am and I’m লেখা pages filled of useless information, but I didn’t want to forget this day. And I feel like if I don’t write it now it will be wash away like the rest of my Memories, only I feel like this one is rather important. I want to remember every touch. Every emotion that I know went though me in the last few hours.
I feel so alone, yet overjoyed at the same time. I know I should be screaming because feelings were laid out, but yet even as I write this I feel a tear. a stupid Majestic Tear. I’m clearly insane. How do I write this in words that are legible? So, should I be so ব্রেভ to start from the beginning? I guess I have no choice, which really is sad and useless.
At the time of this morning I will admit my motives were blurred. I wanted Chuck খাদ physically.
আরো then Physically I wanted to make প্রণয় to him. It was pretty much all I thought about. I even went as low as to fantasize about that Basshole, in a limo no less. Let me just say now that before Chuck Bass, I Blair Waldorf would never even concern the Limo a spot for sex. I wasn’t even turned on দ্বারা the idea of it. Only pregnant whores did it in Limos for a quickie, Where as I wanted it to be special. I wanted it to be with Nate.
It sounds so funny now.
Nate and Blair.
Two people force together under circumstance, who doesn’t really even know the real meaning of প্রণয় because they were never ব্রেভ enough to প্রশ্ন it.
Enough about that now, this isn’t about Nathaniel Archibald.
This is about Chuck.
Okay, Okay. I was stuck thinking about how It would feel with Chuck in a Limo again. Alright I was doing আরো then just thinking, please Diary for the প্রণয় that all is holy, আপনি would not repeat this. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anyone knew.
What makes it worst is that my devoted and reliable Dorota walked in. disturbing the moment between Chuck and I.
I felt utterly ashamed that she would see me in such a position, luckily I had the blanket to hide, of course I did feel better that it was Dorota and Not my Mother. My sweet and caring Dorota, I knew that if I told her she would understand, although her beliefs always would be a problem. In fact when she walked in she had told me “God is always watching”
I wanted to laugh, poor Guy. I felt bad that he had to see me in a limo, not once but many times.
And since he has such power, being God, doesn’t that mean he gets to press re-play anytime he wants? Oh how I envied him.
I’m so ashamed that I wrote that. I should be shipped off to Brooklyn for even suggesting that I have god’s power. My lord.
Always, let me continue my day, the দিন the sun decided not to come out and shine on my now ashamed face. I was perfectly fine with walking in the rain. Okay that’s a lie, but it wasn’t so unbearable. It was like the ending of “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” only I don’t get a happy ending like I should.
So there I was Diary, simply trying to get out of the rain, remembering that morning ফ্যান্টাসি when who do I see pull up for a little chat.
Chuck খাদ in a Limo.
The thought still sent chills, because even though Dorota is right, I still felt the need to be with him in that particular limo,
He was devilishly handsome in it. Minding his own business, but when it pulled up to me he decided to ask if I wanted a ride.
Oh I knew he was asking for so much আরো then that. I knew him. He wanted me just as much I as wanted him. He wanted to make প্রণয় to me in a limo. Why else would he have offered it to me? For simply being kind? If that was the case then I would have gladly taken it, but I didn’t. Because this is Chuck খাদ we’re talking about, he only wanted one thing.
And apparently it wasn’t sex.
He wanted the 3 words. I still wouldn’t allow myself to say.
I refuse to be the Loser in his little game! Blair Waldorf does not lose! I even feel the excitement of victory now. Moving along my veins, I don’t lose. I win, I always win. Why should I be the one to give in when clearly I had asked him first? It doesn’t make sense to me either Diary, he wanted the words so badly and I couldn’t figure out why. He acted as if he never heard the words before, like he was so desperate for it that he would risk hot limo sex.
And to think he actually ব্যক্ত I was torturing him. HIM!
I loathed him.
Yet I lusted him at the same time. Should I be checked into a hospital diary? Should I be committed for not knowing exactly how I feel, yet I was so desperate for his touch?
Don’t answer that, I know exactly what আপনি would say if আপনি had lips, I should be hidden away from all society. Because Blair Waldorf is actually wanting Chuck Bass’s touch. And No Girl who has a mind should want that. But after everything we’ve been though, আপনি can’t help but want it. I think I wanted it for such a long time, that I don’t know how to want anything else. Marcus was just a pond if আপনি will, a chess piece as I like to call it. yet I did find myself enjoying the thought of being royal.
Not anymore. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I actually enjoy thought of Chuck, only Chuck.
I feel so helpless. Like I wasted all that time trying to get to him when in the end, the trying was the reason why we can’t be together. “the Game” as we call it. I do enjoy the game. I enjoy it very much. It’s become a part of who I am, and a Part of who he is. I’m skipping a head, apparently আপনি have no idea what I’m talking about.
I almost had him diary. But like a fool, I Listened to none-other then Dan Humphrey. Should have known the charity case was worthless waste. I tried to seduce Chuck on আরো then one account, usually it easy. I just have to প্রদর্শনী a little skin and he will be আরো then willing to take it from there. Of course that was before he demanded the 3 words.
I don’t even want to tell আপনি about the scene we caused at the bar. I did the best I could, and he throws me to the wolves. So what do I do? I’m not meant to chase okay, I’m not meant to be the one that shows feelings, it’s the man’s job, but apparently Humphrey ব্যক্ত Chuck was affected দ্বারা my little act.
I guess apart of me believed it to be true. He was Chuck Bass.
I was so in the zone though, I even texted Serena saying I was sleeping over at the Bass’ suite. Lily wouldn’t be প্রথমপাতা অথবা Bart. And Erik was sending time with his new Boyfriend. I’m glad he’s able to find love, where I’m lacking on the matter.
I was so determined to win. All I wanted was sex, but it not at the cost of my pride. At least I told myself I wanted sex. That was all wasn’t it?? Forgive me I’m a child who doesn’t know the difference between Lust and Love. Blame it on Eleanor, অথবা my father for that matter.
I have such great Parents.
Anyways, back to the problem.
I was desperate, so desperate that I went to Humphrey for crying out loud; doesn’t that say something to you?? I mean Blair Waldorf taking উপদেশ from a Brooklyn Native. Seriously? What the hell was I thinking??
Oh yes, I wasn’t thinking with my head, I was thinking with other part of my anatomy, আপনি know being a girl, is so not fun sometimes.
Especially when Chuck খাদ so smoothly undresses the back of your night গাউন, gown with one hand, and kisses আপনি with a passion that you, yourself, no matter who আপনি are, can contain.
I melted in his hands. I was putty, driven দ্বারা sex, and the need of it. It’s been awhile okay, please don’t judge me!
As I was saying, his চুম্বন was so intoxicating that I forgotten the sole propose as to why I had to throw myself at him to begin with, and from what I got from him, so did he. He honestly forgot about the 3 words for a moment, and when he ব্যক্ত he didn’t care, I couldn’t believe it, I held my breathe, and was relieved.
That is until we heard a certain text from my so called Best Friend Serena.
I really need to learn to put my phone on silent.
আপনি know, if this was Nate, we wouldn’t of had this problem, for one we didn’t have sex until after I hooked up with Chuck in a limo.
Another is that Nate wouldn’t notice that I was intentionally not answering my phone, because I knew who it would be, and I couldn’t lose Chuck now, not when I was so close to winning.
Damn, did he have to know me well enough to know that I always answered my cell? Did he? Ugh!
I have to admit it was kind of interesting to see Chuck run for a phone, I never thought he was that active outside the bed, I mean I knew he played Squash but honestly, was he that good at it?
Mental Note: Must See Chuck Play Squash!
I was so humiliated দ্বারা the thought that Chuck was winning. He got to the phone before I did. I should work out now, anyways… yes he read what Serena wrote, as a reply to my own to her, and he left, right when we were just getting started.
Mental Note 2: Chuck খাদ has আরো well Power then Thought Possible!
Chuck Left. Left me high and dry, and in heat, I gave up. Chuck খাদ didn’t want me unless I ব্যক্ত words that didn’t apply. How could he do this? How could he change so quickly?
He became so moral?! Chuck খাদ isn’t আরো moral out of the two of us, I’m pretty sure everyone knows who the noblest one. I mean sure I fantasized about the Limo, but he’s the one who wouldn’t wait to get in the bedroom that one time…
Okay so that’s a lie, I didn’t want to wait either.
But still! He wanted me I knew that yet nothing, Dorota would be so proud of him Diary, of course then she’d probably think that her Polish Demon had taken over his body. She always didn’t say anything, but I totally knew she didn’t approve.
He wanted me I knew that in the চুম্বন and if he was going to be so hard headed about the situation then so be it.
Oh my god.
I loved him.
The realization hit me তীক্ষ্নভাবে in the face, like a trailer in a hurricane. I প্রণয় Chuck Bass.
Even now, I have the tears pouring out of my eyes, and I don’t even know why. Why must it be so hard to tell him this? Why it be so hard to tell the person আপনি love, that আপনি loved them? I don’t understand, was It me? was it because of the fear that…he wouldn’t প্রণয় me back? Like so many other people before.
Was Chuck next?
I’m breaking my pencil as I write this.
Why couldn’t I be loved like Serena and her Brooklyn Chore? Why did everything have to be so easy for her, yet when it comes to Blair Waldorf’s life, it gets complicated. Don’t get me wrong I প্রণয় Serena, she’s the best friend that anyone could ever want most days, it’s just…I’ve always had this image of my happy ending, and it seems I will never get it. what I’m about to tell আপনি is extremely hard. But I want to get it right, word for word, seeing as how I just single handedly ruined any happiness that i would ever have দ্বারা saying what I ব্যক্ত to Chuck, Worst then telling him that I would never say those 3 words, worst then all the limo sex we’ve had.
I told him how I felt without actually telling him the words, আপনি see Diary, after admitting to a Brooklyn wash up writer I was convince দ্বারা ব্যক্ত Brooklyn writer that I should come clean about how I feel. I texted Chuck after much thought, telling him he had won.
It gets worst.
After I finally got to the disgusting Art Gallery, I was getting ready to go up on the roof where I told Chuck I would say it. and when I was on my way, Humphrey told me things that I’d rather not repeat. The idea of him getting to in revolting, I still don’t know why I listed to him to begin with, it wasn’t like we were even friends. We’re not even on sane speaking terms, but I listened, and as I approached Chuck, I keep hearing Humphrey’s voice.
It was all a game.
Oh Diary I’m am nothing but a game to him, I couldn’t understand why I had to be the first one to say it. didn’t he প্রণয় me? didn’t he want to say it? অথবা was I just being to naïve about Bass? If he can’t say it to me first, then why should I? My head was in a blur as we agued about the white party and I told him something I will never forget, when he asked me if I expected him to say the 3 words at the white party. That’s when I opened myself up to be hurt.
This is what I ব্যক্ত to him Diary.
“Yes, and when আপনি didn’t I nearly DIED”
See even now as I write that sentence I hate myself for speaking it, and what made it worst is that he didn’t seem to care at the least.
It was all a game and I was just another chess piece, a woman to be added to the তালিকা of victims. He talked about how I put a end to things, when I did no such thing, because in truth Diary we never began. We never really had a normal relationship, from দিন one. We started out as respecting each other, to suddenly rushing into this sick twisted game of emotions. That I didn’t even know I loved him until much later, and I won’t say it until he does.
As I re-read this page my হৃদয় is in my stomach, knowing what happened পরবর্তি was something that I wasn’t expecting, something that I Blair Waldorf wasn’t prepared for. As the hours past on I felt the last tear on my cheek fall, অথবা at least I thought it was the last, that is until Chuck showed up in my door way.
I will never forget the words he ব্যক্ত to me, it wasn’t ‘I প্রণয় you’ because it was so much better then that. It was the feeling of being in love, without having to say it. seeing the look on his pale, beautiful face was enough for me to know.
“Just because we can’t say it, doesn’t mean it isn’t true”
He loved me. someone actually loved me, and I didn’t know what to say, I guess apart of me knew that he always did. But then he started talking about how couples do what they like to do together, and for us it was the game.
That’s why I was speechless; it was because I knew we wouldn’t last. He knew I knew that, but I still urged for him.
I have only loved one person besides Chuck in that way, and Nate and Chuck were totally different people. Even when we were বন্ধু we did what we liked, and it was to mess with each other, ruin each other’s lives in hopes of getting together, I realize now how much Chuck loved me when he spoke about this issue.
He wanted us to last, he didn’t want to hurt me anymore.
That's when he kissed me. it was so unlike any other চুম্বন we've shared, it was mixed with my tears and his lips, but together it was our Love. such a tender, sweet চুম্বন that i will forever feel on my lips until the দিন i die. and as he left, i felt his hand let go of mine, and i knew.
he didn't want to hurt me And I in return did not want to hurt him, he wanted to wait for me, to see what the future brought, and although the thought of waiting for us to be together kills me deep inside, I will wait for him.
Because like Humphrey says, lord forbid, আপনি either risk it all, অথবা have nothing…
4:00AM পরবর্তি Day.
I still can’t sleep. My হৃদয় fills like it’s been ripped out and stumped on, yet fore filled in a way Nate would never understand, I went online and found a poem, that made me think of this situation. I don’t know why I’m looking up poetry; I think I’ve been hanging out with Humphrey to much this week, but here it is.
I wrote your name in the sky,
but the wind blew it away.
I wrote your name in the sand,
but the waves washed it away.
I wrote your name in my heart,
and forever it will stay.
- Jessica Blade –
Well that’s Lame.
I am now deciding to make this whole Diary entry better দ্বারা putting one of my পছন্দ উদ্ধৃতি from Audrey…you would think she’d known mine and Chuck’s situation.
My own life has been much আরো than a fairy tale. I've had my share of difficult moments, but whatever difficulties I've gone through, I've always gotten a prize at the end.
That’s it, I’m done with Diaries, and it’s time to grow up…so that I might have Chuck with me in the end, i'm finally going to sleep. Good Night.
i had this idea for a while, but since last night episode, i decided to write it asap. i woke up and this was playing in my head.