1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House রঙ indicate that they are "covered in bees"
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
3. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
4. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.
5. I will not go to class sky clad.
6. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate তারিখ to the Yule Ball.
7. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told আপনি I was hardcore".
8. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
9. I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.
10. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
11. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
12. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.
13. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
14. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
15. I will not tye-dye all of the owls.
16. I will not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall
17. অথবা anywhere else for that matter.
18. I will not shave Mrs. Norris.
19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
20. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.
21. I will not ask Lupin if it his time of the month.
22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast to Coast AM transcripts.
23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
24. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.
25. I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.
26. I am not a sloth Animagus.
27. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.
28. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, অথবা piranha.
29. I do not weight the same as a duck.
30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
31. I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to ডিনার and shout Long live Lord Voldemort because I think it's funny.
32. I will not চুম্বন Trevor.
33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
34. Skiving Snackboxes are not a suitable gift for first-years.
35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.
36. I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, asit is disturbing.
37. I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.
38. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone it's the new Dark Mark.
39. Asking "How do আপনি keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
41. I will not insist that the trees in the Forbidden Forest are Ent wives.
42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord তালিকা to suspected Death Eaters.
45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
47. I will not ask Dumbledore to প্রদর্শনী me the pointy hat trick.
48. I will not ask Ginny how to properly strangle a chicken.
49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have ব্যক্ত so already.
50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
51. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
52. I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.
53. Filch does not have a sister named Magenta.
54. I will refrain from wearing black leather gloves at all times and saying "Hogwarts is mother, Hogwarts is father".
55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheromones".
56. I will not refer to the Slytherin dorms as "the Tremere chantry".
57. The Malfoys are not Draka.
58. Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will ceasegoing after the prefects with a sword.
59. Richard Upton Pickman did not paint The Fat Lady.
60. I will not refer to Umbridge as কুইন of the Toads, even if she really is.
61. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.
62. The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any hentai film.
63. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".
64. Professor Flitwick's first name in not Yoda.
65. I will not refer to the hippogryph as "Horseybird".
66. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.
67. -Or any other Slytherin.
68. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.
69. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.
70. -Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.
71. -I am not a Professor, at all.
72. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with কুমড়া juice.
73. -I will not replace Professor Snape's কুমড়া রস with Skele-Gro.
74. -It was not an honest mistake.
74. I will not swap Draco's ঝাড়ু with one out of Filch's ঝাড়ু cupboard.
76. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.
77. -Or the teacher laundry.
78. Nor am I allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again.
79. While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet, which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.
80. It is generally accepted that মার্জার and ড্রাগন cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory,no matter how wicked the result would be.
81. I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two-way mirrors as a বড়দিন present.
82. -Especially if I don't tell her what it is.
83. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled firewhiskey.
84. -Charming the label does not change anything.
85. I am not allowed to eat চকোলেট Frogs in Potions class.
86. -Even if I brought enough for everyone.
87. -Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's ডেস্ক to prove this last is unacceptable behaviour.
88. Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' অথবা prefects' orders.
89. No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.
90. Chemistry and Potions don't mix.
91. -Testing this last is not funny.
92. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.
93. May not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.
94. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.
95. The proper way to প্রতিবেদন to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that আপনি have no evidence."
96. May not insinuate that all beautiful American exchange students to Gryffindor অথবা Slytherin House in Harry Potter'sYear are Lockhart's misbegotten heirs, even if it's true.
97. I am not possessed দ্বারা the ghost of Lady Macbeth.
98. -Neither is The Fat Lady.
99. When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong isindecent.
100. -Especially if I can't.
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
3. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
4. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.
5. I will not go to class sky clad.
6. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate তারিখ to the Yule Ball.
7. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told আপনি I was hardcore".
8. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
9. I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.
10. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
11. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
12. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.
13. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
14. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
15. I will not tye-dye all of the owls.
16. I will not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall
17. অথবা anywhere else for that matter.
18. I will not shave Mrs. Norris.
19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
20. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.
21. I will not ask Lupin if it his time of the month.
22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast to Coast AM transcripts.
23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
24. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.
25. I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.
26. I am not a sloth Animagus.
27. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.
28. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, অথবা piranha.
29. I do not weight the same as a duck.
30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
31. I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to ডিনার and shout Long live Lord Voldemort because I think it's funny.
32. I will not চুম্বন Trevor.
33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
34. Skiving Snackboxes are not a suitable gift for first-years.
35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.
36. I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, asit is disturbing.
37. I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.
38. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone it's the new Dark Mark.
39. Asking "How do আপনি keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
41. I will not insist that the trees in the Forbidden Forest are Ent wives.
42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord তালিকা to suspected Death Eaters.
45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
47. I will not ask Dumbledore to প্রদর্শনী me the pointy hat trick.
48. I will not ask Ginny how to properly strangle a chicken.
49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have ব্যক্ত so already.
50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
51. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
52. I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.
53. Filch does not have a sister named Magenta.
54. I will refrain from wearing black leather gloves at all times and saying "Hogwarts is mother, Hogwarts is father".
55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheromones".
56. I will not refer to the Slytherin dorms as "the Tremere chantry".
57. The Malfoys are not Draka.
58. Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will ceasegoing after the prefects with a sword.
59. Richard Upton Pickman did not paint The Fat Lady.
60. I will not refer to Umbridge as কুইন of the Toads, even if she really is.
61. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.
62. The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any hentai film.
63. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".
64. Professor Flitwick's first name in not Yoda.
65. I will not refer to the hippogryph as "Horseybird".
66. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.
67. -Or any other Slytherin.
68. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.
69. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.
70. -Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.
71. -I am not a Professor, at all.
72. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with কুমড়া juice.
73. -I will not replace Professor Snape's কুমড়া রস with Skele-Gro.
74. -It was not an honest mistake.
74. I will not swap Draco's ঝাড়ু with one out of Filch's ঝাড়ু cupboard.
76. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.
77. -Or the teacher laundry.
78. Nor am I allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again.
79. While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet, which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.
80. It is generally accepted that মার্জার and ড্রাগন cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory,no matter how wicked the result would be.
81. I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two-way mirrors as a বড়দিন present.
82. -Especially if I don't tell her what it is.
83. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled firewhiskey.
84. -Charming the label does not change anything.
85. I am not allowed to eat চকোলেট Frogs in Potions class.
86. -Even if I brought enough for everyone.
87. -Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's ডেস্ক to prove this last is unacceptable behaviour.
88. Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' অথবা prefects' orders.
89. No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.
90. Chemistry and Potions don't mix.
91. -Testing this last is not funny.
92. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.
93. May not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.
94. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.
95. The proper way to প্রতিবেদন to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that আপনি have no evidence."
96. May not insinuate that all beautiful American exchange students to Gryffindor অথবা Slytherin House in Harry Potter'sYear are Lockhart's misbegotten heirs, even if it's true.
97. I am not possessed দ্বারা the ghost of Lady Macbeth.
98. -Neither is The Fat Lady.
99. When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong isindecent.
100. -Especially if I can't.
The following is from The Whimsic Alley Book of Spells. Any irony present is not intended দ্বারা me.
A Commanding Spell and Potion
দ্বারা Dan "Rad" Cliffe
INCANTATION
Impero homo
DESCRIPTION
This is a spell and potion to make people do as আপনি say.
Potion ingredients:
Five grams of salt from the Dead Sea
Ten spoons of honey
One full ink কার্তুজ (any color)
A drink the victim likes
50 ml. of your sweat
SPELL
First make the potion in the following way:
আপনি need to take a glass,
Add salt from the sea of the dead,
Add the 50 ml. of sweat,
And stir with a spoon of lead.
Take the honey in a bowl,
Add it to the ink,
Stir the mixture 'round and 'round,
Then you're ready to add the drink.
Thirdly, add the পছন্দ drink.
The potion wil need to wait a year.
After that the potion is ready,
And tell the victim to drink a beer.
Wave your wand over the ingredients and say, "Impero homo." Now they will বিছানা yours to command.
A Commanding Spell and Potion
দ্বারা Dan "Rad" Cliffe
INCANTATION
Impero homo
DESCRIPTION
This is a spell and potion to make people do as আপনি say.
Potion ingredients:
Five grams of salt from the Dead Sea
Ten spoons of honey
One full ink কার্তুজ (any color)
A drink the victim likes
50 ml. of your sweat
SPELL
First make the potion in the following way:
আপনি need to take a glass,
Add salt from the sea of the dead,
Add the 50 ml. of sweat,
And stir with a spoon of lead.
Take the honey in a bowl,
Add it to the ink,
Stir the mixture 'round and 'round,
Then you're ready to add the drink.
Thirdly, add the পছন্দ drink.
The potion wil need to wait a year.
After that the potion is ready,
And tell the victim to drink a beer.
Wave your wand over the ingredients and say, "Impero homo." Now they will বিছানা yours to command.
