Episode 1 - Pilot

Emmett: [referring to an attractive man at Babylon] "My God, have আপনি ever seen anything আরো beautiful?"
Ted: "Venice. At sunset."
Emmett: "Fine. আপনি go down the Grand Canal, I'll go down on him."

Michael [voice-over]: "Emmett can be a little campy. Okay, a lot campy. But you've got to admit, these days it takes real guts to be a কুইন in a world full of commoners."

Michael [voice-over]: "Ted's this really smart guy and he's got a really big heart. Only, nobody here is interested in the size of that organ."

Michael: We need to go. We want to eat.
[Brian is receiving oral sex from a guy in the back room of Babylon.]
Brian: I'm just gonna give him my number.
Michael: "What'd আপনি do, write it on your dick?"

Michael: "That was quick."
Ted: "Not when you've had as much practice as he's had."
Brian: "I got bored."
Emmett: "I know, getting your dick sucked can be so tedious."

Brian: "Do আপনি like Special K?"
Justin: "It's okay. I like Cheerios better."
Brian: "I don't mean the kind আপনি eat with bananas."

Brian: [to Justin] "So are আপনি coming অথবা going? অথবা coming and then going? অথবা coming and staying?"

Michael: "This is my friend Emmett. He's staying with me temporarily since the hooker who lived down the hall from him burnt his apartment building down two years ago."
Trick: "Two years is a long time to be temporary."
Michael: "And yet it hasn't interfered with my প্রণয় life... which I suppose says a lot about my প্রণয় life."

Brian: [to Melanie when she asks about Justin] "You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me."

[Brian says that Justin is only 17]
Melanie: "So আপনি and Lindsay each had an infant tonight."
Brian: "Mine doesn't suck on my tits... unless I want him to."

Brian [to Justin]: "Pop quiz, no talking. Here's your question. Multiple choice. Do আপনি want to come প্রথমপাতা with me? A, yes. B, yes. অথবা C, yes. Tick tick tick! Time's up, pencils down. What do আপনি say?"
Michael: "None of the above. He's going home."
Justin: "I'm going with him."
Brian: "Good boy. আপনি get an A+."

Emmett: "Poor baby. Well I have just the thing. A new porn video. [Runs to get the video] It all takes place in a prisoner of war camp. Hot, horny men starved for action."
Michael: "I can relate to that."
[Emmett hands over the video to Michael.]
Emmett: "Guaranteed to make your private stand up and salute."

[Michael walks in on Justin and Brian]
Michael: "Christ! Didn't আপনি get enough last night?"
Brian: "There is no such thing as enough. Besides, I couldn't send him off without a nourishing high-protein breakfast."

Brian: "Here we are sonny boy."
Michael: "Be sure to come প্রথমপাতা right after school."
Brian: "No lingering on the playground অথবা in the locker room with the gym teacher."
Michael: "Oh আপনি did not tell him about that!"
Brian: "It's the most famous ঝরনা scene since Psycho."
Justin's schoolmate: [passes, screams at Justin] "Hey Justin, wanna suck me off?"
Brian: "No!" [Gets down from his jeep] "But I'll kick your tight little virgin গাধা so hard আপনি won't sit down for a week!"

Daphne: "Where have আপনি been? Your mom called. I didn't know what to tell her. I ব্যক্ত আপনি were still asleep."
Justin: "I just saw the face of God."
Daphne: "Huh?"
Justin: "His name is Brian Kinney."

Episode 2 - Queer, There and Everywhere

Emmett: "So, uh, who's he look like?"
Michael: "Well he's got Brian's eyes and mouth, and Lindsay's nose."
Ted: "If he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble."

Michael [voice-over]: "Remember that story we all read in high school, আপনি know the one about the prisoners chained in the cave? Plato অথবা whoever? All they could see were shadows on a দেওয়াল so after a while they started thinking that was reality. Well, in a way that's what Ted's like. It's been so long since he's had sex with someone he didn't download, he's forgotten that all those perfect bodies and perfect faces aren't real. That no one's really there, that they're only... shadows. Then again, who ever got anal warts in a chatroom?"

Brian: [to Michael about Tracy having feelings for him] "You could have told her the truth instead of অভিনয় like a scared little faggot. আপনি should have just said, "I take it up the গাধা sweetheart, deal with it."

Brian: "There's only two kinds of straight people in this world: the ones that hate আপনি to your face, and the ones that hate আপনি behind your back."

Debbie: "So, আপনি going out cruising after আপনি drop me off?"
Michael: "No, I've been invited to an all-night orgy."
Debbie: "Woo! Sounds hot!"

Brian: [to Justin about their "fuck"] "Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. আপনি get in and out with the maximum of pleasure and minimum of bullshit. প্রণয় is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. And then they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what আপনি want, then go find yourself a pretty little girl... and get married."

Episode 3 - No Bris, No Shirt, No Service

Michael: "I wished for a moment that I too could be a lesbian. But then I remembered I'd have to eat pussy, so I ব্যক্ত forget it!"

[About Gus]
Brian: "Christ. He'll probably grow up to be straight."
Michael: "All the আরো reason he needs his Dad!"

Emmett: "I read that for every thirty pounds আপনি lose, আপনি gain an entire inch of cock."

Episode 4 - Ted's Not Dead

Ted's mother: "Loving someone's not the same as knowing them."

Debbie: "I've always said, it isn't who আপনি love, it's how আপনি love. Genitalia is simply God's way of accessorizing."

Ted: "I saw you... fucking. When I woke up. I thought I'm in Hell and this is my punishment. Watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity."
Brian: "You should be so lucky."

Episode 5 - Now Approaching... The Line

Justin: "I like dick. I want to get fucked দ্বারা dick. I want to suck dick. I like sucking dick. And I'm good at it, too." [/b]

Michael: "Who's leading her on? We're counting cartons of toilet paper."
Brian: "Yeah, which আপনি can use because you're so full of shit."

Michael: "You ever been on a real date?"
Brian: "Once. I ended up fucking the waiter."

Episode 6 - The Art of Desperation

Brian: I tune out self-pity, it makes my dick soft. And we wouldn't want that... would we?

Ted: "Roger and I have decided to get to know each other before we have sex."
Brian: "What do আপনি think আপনি are, lesbians?"

Justin: "What are আপনি doing? She thinks you're a lesbian."
Daphne: "Well, can't I be one of the cool people, too?"

Brian: "Fuck groups."
Lindsay: "I thought আপনি did."

Episode 7 - Smells Like Codependence

Emmett: [expecting David] "Ohhhh! That must be Prince Charming!" [Brian walks in] "Make that the Wicked Witch."

Michael: "I just don't know what আপনি do for a whole weekend."
Emmett: "Well, let's see, first আপনি arrive."
Ted: "Then আপনি fuck."
Emmett: "Then আপনি unpack."
Ted: "Then আপনি fuck."
Emmett: "And then আপনি go berry-picking."
Ted: "Then আপনি fuck."
Michael: "I mean after আপনি fuck!"
Emmett: "You talk. আপনি get to know each other."

Justin: "If আপনি want to hit me, go right ahead. Only I'm not gonna cry like some little faggot. And if আপনি want to send me away, that's all right too. 'Cause I bet আরো butt-fucking goes on in boarding school than in the backroom of Babylon. But whatever আপনি do, it's not gonna matter. 'Cause I'll still be your queer son."

Episode 8 - Babylon Boomerang

Justin: "I'm turning 18 soon. That means I can vote, get married, and যোগদান the army."
Emmett: "Hopefully not in the same day."

Craig: "I am not gonna be humiliated দ্বারা a bunch of..."
Jennifer: "Fags? I got news for you, big man. আপনি already have been."

Brian: "You're not crying, are you?"
Justin: "I'm not some little faggot."
Brian: "No, you're not. You're pretty ব্রেভ actually."

Ted: "I could fix আপনি up with my sister. Only she looks like me in a dress."

Vic: "AMC has a Joan Crawford festival all week.
Debbie: "Nobody is that gay."

[About Craig's rules for Justin staying in the house]
Brian: "So in other words, for Justin to live here with আপনি he has to deny who he is, what he thinks, and how he feels?"
Craig: "No one asked for your opinion, pal."
Brian: "Well, that's not love. That's hate."

Episode 9 - Daddy Dearest (Sonny Boy)

Melanie [to a nurse]: "Listen to me. I stay up half the night worrying that he will grow up to be happy, and healthy, and loved. So don't আপনি dare tell me I have no right to be with him. আপনি officious, homophobic cunt!"

Brian: "He eats with straight people?"
Ted: "Ick. আপনি never know where their hands have been."

Emmett: "Drop to your knees, pussy boy."

Episode 10 - Queens of The Road

Brian: "This is not the White House! George Washington never slept here!"
Justin: "He's the only one who hasn't."

Mysterious Marilyn: "God writes the script, sweetie. I just say the lines."

Episode 11 - Surprise!

Ted: "I'm 33, what does that make me?"
Brian: "Did আপনি guys hear something? A voice from the dead?"

Emmett: "I need to go into a phone booth and jerk off."

Vic: "Promiscuous is anyone having আরো sex than you."
Emmett: "I thought I was being safe... careful."
Vic: "Sex isn't careful. If it is you're doing it wrong. It's messy and it's human."

Ted: "So, listen. I know there's this part of us that thinks we don't deserve to be loved" —
Michael: "What are আপনি talkin' about?"
Ted: "Let me finish. So we fall in প্রণয় with someone we know we can't have and who's never gonna loves us, and we fantasize about the দিন when all of a sudden he realizes and sees everything he's been missing. আপনি know, and all our dreams come true... only, that দিন never comes, and before আপনি know it, it's your fortieth birthday, it's your fiftieth birthday and you're still alone. Don't let that happen to you, Michael. প্রণয় someone for real, someone who loves you."

Episode 12 - সরানো It অথবা Lose It

Michael: "Captain Astro uses his magical fisting power!"
Emmett: "Quit it! It's too early for fisting!"
Michael: "No, it is never too early for fisting!"

Matt: "I'm Matt."
Emmett: "Course আপনি are. You're always Matt, অথবা Scott, অথবা Todd, অথবা some other wonderful one-syllable name."
Matt: "I'd offer to buy আপনি a drink, but something tells me আপনি don't need another."
Emmett: "Something tells me আপনি might be right! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home; it's always nicer to vomit in your own toilet."

Michael: "I told her I was an out and proud homosexual and if she didn't like it, she can suck my dick."

Michael [to Tracy]: "When আপনি spend your entire life keeping it a secret, who আপনি really are, আপনি learn to stop trusting people and it becomes সেকেন্ড nature."

Episode 13 - Very Stupid People

Ted [to Emmett]: "What's the matter with you?"
Brian: "He's got razor burn on his balls."

Brian: "Don't tell me no one's ever had a Big O at the Big Q?"
Michael: "I wouldn't know."
Brian: "Well, I would. First-hand. And I mean first-hand experience."
Michael: "Are আপনি saying..."
Brian: "Remember last বড়দিন when I came to pick আপনি up and আপনি were setting up for Santa's Workshop?"
Michael: "Not Santa. Don't tell me আপনি fucked Santa!"
Brian: "Even I wouldn't do that. I'm not into fat. His elf!"
Michael: "You didn't."
Brian: "What he lacked for in feet he made up for in inches."

Episode 14 - A Change of হৃদয়

Heather: [telling the story of her first time] "One night it just happened. We made প্রণয় on the 18th green. God, I still remember that hole."

Brian: "Homophobic corporate America wins again."
Melanie: "Oh, please. আপনি can hang a sign on your office door saying 'Blow Jobs 10 cents' and you'd still have it better than any woman and person of color, because guess what? You're a white man which still counts for something in this country."

Ted: "Just my luck, লেসবিয়ান find me irresistible."

Brian: "Jesus, it smells like a dirty jockstrap."
Melanie: "In that case, আপনি should like it."

Justin: "He's majorly hung."
Brian: "And for once he's not talking about my cock."

Debbie: "A leopard can't change its stripes... and neither can a queer!"

Ted: [about Emmett trying to turn straight] "I think God appreciates it even more. Because he created আপনি in his image. At least that's what I was always taught. And since God is প্রণয় and God doesn't make mistakes, then আপনি must be exactly the way he wants আপনি to be, the way he intended আপনি to be. And that goes for every person, every planet, every mountain, every grain of sand, every song, every tear... and every faggot. We're all His, Emmett. He loves us all."

Emmett: "I told them "some of us are meant to eat pussy and some of us are meant to suck cock." But either way - God loves us."

Episode 15 - The Ties That Bind

Debbie: "Do আপনি even know what a Huggie is?"
Michael: "Here's a hint, it's not a sexual position."

Michael: "If God wanted me to be on ice, he would have made me a ভদকা martini."

Episode 16 - French Fried

Justin: (about coffee) "And it still causes high blood pressure, হৃদয় attack, poor sexual performance."
Brian: "Haven't had any complaints."

Justin: "Fortunately, I have youth on my side. I can stay up all night fucking and still score 1500 on my SATs."

Justin: "Well listen up now that your hearing has returned. This queer says fuck you!"

Brian: "Once this straight football jock picked me up and dunked my head in the toilet."
Justin: "What did আপনি do?"
Brian: "I followed him to his locker. It was open, his hand was up, like this. He was laughing so I slammed the door so hard it broke three of his fingers. And that was the end of the season for him."

Brian: "Can we sleep already?"
Justin: "I need your expertise."
Brian: [lying on শীর্ষ of him, naked] "I think I've প্রদত্ত আপনি plenty..."

Brian: "You're the client; have a seat, Mr. Taylor."
Justin: [sits]
Brian: [laughs]
Justin: [kicks him] "What's so funny?"
Brian: "That's just how I imagine all my clients, I picture them naked."

Episode 17 - Solution (How TLFKAM Got Her Name Back)

Debbie: "Well, I hate it when couples make out in front of you!"
Brian: "It's French. We're frenching."

Michael: "You're so anal."
David: "Lucky for you."

Justin's Principal: "Mrs. Taylor, there are আরো important lessons to be taught here."
Jennifer: "Than tolerance?"

Lindsay: "Do আপনি still প্রণয় me?"
Mel: "I never stopped."

Episode 18 - Surprise Kill

Brian: "And I thought I was finally rid of you."
Justin: "Not until I say so!"

Ted: "Jesus, he's still cute."
Emmett: "You say that about all the boys who put আপনি in a coma."

Michael: "I don't wanna be a saint. I wanna be a ruthless, heartless shit who fucks whoever he wants without conscience অথবা remorse!"
Brian: "Sorry, that position has already been filled."

Episode 19 - Good Grief!

Brian: "I need coffee."
Ted: "Someone was up fucking 'til the wee hours."
Justin: "Was he cuter than me?"

Michael: "Jesus, Brian, your dad just died. How can আপনি think about getting your dick sucked?"
Brian: "This is my grief counselling."

Emmett: "She wants আপনি to fuck her?!"
Ted: "Gay men and straight girls sleeping together, isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse?"

Brian: "If আপনি don't earn respect when you're alive, আপনি don't deserve it when you're dead."

Episode 20 - The King of Babylon

Emmett: "Hooray! Only... it's starting to feel perilously like a couples night, seeing as I'm the only single boy left."
Brian: "Excuse me? What the fuck do আপনি think I am?!"
Justin: [rushes over and grabs Brian's arm before anyone can reply] "Are we going to Babylon?"
[Everyone laughs]

Michael: "Those jeans are all worn and too tight... How come I haven't seen আপনি in them before?"
David: "I only wear them when I don't have any clean clothes."
Michael: "Well, আপনি must stop doing laundry immediately."

Episode 21 - Running to Stand Still

Justin: "This is disgusting. Really sick!"
Brian: "Are আপনি looking at those hetero porn sites again?"

Episode 22 - Full বৃত্ত

Brian: "What is this?"
Ted: "Your official membership to the Dead Faggots' Society."
Brian: "Who are you, the fucking founding father?"

Brian: "Yeah, that's just what I need, to be in a dance with a bunch of fucking 18-year-olds."
Justin: "I thought আপনি liked fucking 18-year-olds."

Ted: "Flannel. Isn't that lesbian lingerie?"

Brian: "We gave them a prom they'll never forget."
Justin: "Me neither. It's the best night of my life."
Brian: "Even if it was ridiculously romantic."