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Movie Parody: "Twilight in Fifteen Minutes"

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Nyssa said:
One of my favorites parts:

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The Forest of Imminent Revelation

[The jig, she is up. Bella casts all the evidence back in his face. There is no turning back.]

EDWARD: SAY MY NAME, BITCH

BELLA: EDWARD

EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE

BELLA: ASSHOLE

EDWARD: NO, THE OTHER ONE

BELLA: VAMPIRE, OKAY? VAMPIRE

EDWARD: ARE YOU AFRAID?

BELLA: NO

EDWARD: Wait, what?

[Edward drags her by the arm through the woods, like, what, you couldn't get a good enough grip on her hair or something? Damn. Then he zooms her up the mountain on a forcible piggyback ride and storms off into a single <strike>spotlight</strike> sunbeam in an epic snit over what a monster he is, he must SHOW HER the HORROR OF HIS BEING, a TERRIBLE SECRET accompanied by the SOFT FLUTTERING OF WINDCHIMES:]

EDWARD: I AM VAMPIRE. HEAR ME TWINKLE.

BELLA: Oh, wow, I spent like $60 at Sephora trying to get sparkle like that. What is that, Urban Decay?

EDWARD: NO!

BELLA: Oh, so it's a drugstore brand?

EDWARD: THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER, BELLA!

BELLA: FINE. WHATEVER. But the lipstick, that's gotta be Cargo, right?

EDWARD: *FLOUNCE*

[Over in some other clearing he starts pitching a grand mal hissy, throwing trees and shit around because can't she see, he is THE WORLD'S SPARKLIEST PREDATOR, but Bella doesn't care, SHE DOESN'T CAAAAARE, and Edward has to jump into a tree to get away from her because he might LOSE CONTROL, okay, he must NEVER LOSE CONTROL and it is REALLY REALLY HARD, okay? And Bella's all like, really? How hard? and she goes climbing up into the tree after him, like, DAMN, GIRL! GO GET A PIECE OF THAT! and finally he's like, the combined force of your flavor and your crazy overpowers me, I must know what are you thinking, and she's like, I AM THINKING THAT I LOVE YOU and because the ankle-tattoo people insisted on it, the following exchange is finally committed to celluloid (I am not making this up):]

EDWARD: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

BELLA: Stupid lamb.

EDWARD: Sick, masochistic lion.

[I don't remember exactly what happens next because I fell over dead at this point.]

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*clutches stomach, laughing hysterically*
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funny
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