Chapter 16,
January 2, 2009,
I was lying in my বিছানা with Carter in his ডাবা on the other side of my large bedroom. Dad came in and ব্যক্ত as he walked over to pick up Carter because he was crying "AJ; আপনি need to get up." I put a বালিশ over my head and rolled over. He ব্যক্ত "you need to get up!" I complained "Carter kept me up all night long every ঘন্টা and a half! I'm tired; can it be your turn?" He ব্যক্ত "no, no, no, that's not how it works! I told আপনি that if আপনি wanted to raise Carter as your child then it's your responsibility to take care of him; not mine! I understand that you're tired but; so am I. I have 12 ঘন্টা work days at rehearsals for the new tour!"
I moaned "I প্রণয় my বিছানা and I'm not moving!" Dad grabbed my foot that was sticking out from underneath the covers and gently pulled me out of bed. I got up and ব্যক্ত with an irritated tone in my voice "all I'm asking for is one half-hour sleep!" Dad ব্যক্ত "yeah well; that's tough for আপনি because you're not going to get it. I've got to go to rehearsals. Oh and দ্বারা the way, Grace and I got into an argument last night so; I don't know if she will be coming back. That means you're going to have to watch Carter, Blanket, Prince, and Paris until I get home. Don't worry; I cut my দিন short so I should be প্রথমপাতা at about 4 o'clock and I will bring প্রথমপাতা something to eat." I ব্যক্ত "you've got to be kidding me dad! I don't want to watch all of them! I already have my hands full with Carter as it is!" Dad ব্যক্ত "I don't want to hear it AJ. You're watching them and that's that! I'm not doing it on purpose; I don't really have another choice! I ব্যক্ত sarcastically "I don't know; maybe আপনি could stay home!" He ব্যক্ত "I can't afford to miss too many days AJ. আপনি make it seem like it's going to be too much for আপনি to handle. Prince is 11 and Paris is 10 so; it's not like আপনি have to entertain them. As for Blanket, আপনি can set him up with TV shows!" I ব্যক্ত "fine, but only because আপনি have no other choice!" He hugged me and ব্যক্ত "thank you; I appreciate it, just don't burn the house down!"
January 7, 2009,
I was making Carter a bottle while dad put dishes in the dishwasher. He looked over and ব্যক্ত "make sure আপনি measure that out correctly AJ.” I looked at him with an irritated expression on my face and ব্যক্ত "I know dad! I'm not stupid!" Dad ব্যক্ত "I was just making sure; there's no reason for the attitude." I ব্যক্ত "whatever!" I stormed out of the room and sat on the couch.
As I was about to burp Carter, dad came in and sat down পরবর্তি to me. He ব্যক্ত "don't be afraid to be a little bit forceful just as long as you're not too rough!" I looked over at him as I rolled my eyes and ব্যক্ত "I know dad!" He ব্যক্ত "I'm just trying to be helpful; that's all." I ব্যক্ত "well; you're not being very helpful and you're actually starting to piss me off!" He asked "was that language really necessary Alanna?" I replied "um yeah actually it was because আপনি won't have any faith in me when it comes to taking care of Carter!" He ব্যক্ত "I do trust you; it's not easy for me to trust আপনি but, I do." I asked "why would it be hard for আপনি trust me?" Dad ব্যক্ত "seriously; I can't believe you're asking me that! Every other thing আপনি tell me is a lie and আপনি walk around here like আপনি don't care about what I have to say!" I ব্যক্ত "okay; go ahead and play the victim again because that way আপনি know you'll win!"
I brought Carter upstairs to finish feeding him because the tension between dad and I was filling the air. A few মিনিট later, dad came upstairs and walked into my room. He sat down on my বিছানা and ব্যক্ত "you have to understand that the fact that you’re a mother hasn't fully sunk in yet and you're not even 15 yet! আপনি still have a lot to learn!” I ব্যক্ত "I came up here for a reason; I need to be away from আপনি right now!" He ব্যক্ত "I প্রণয় আপনি AJ!" I whispered "I প্রণয় আপনি too" and he ব্যক্ত "I প্রণয় আপনি more!"
March 19, 2009,
I got my drivers permit a couple of days পূর্বে and have been badgering dad to take me out for my first test drive. The two of us were standing in the রান্নাঘর and I begged "come on dad! Please take me out and teach me how to drive! Now is the perfect time because Grace is back and she can watch the kids while we're gone!" He grabbed his car keys and ব্যক্ত "I'm not looking অগ্রবর্তী to this! Let's get this over with!" I ব্যক্ত "thank you, thank you, thank you!" He ব্যক্ত "Grace we'll be back in about an hour." Prince asked "is AJ going to learn how to drive daddy? Can I come?" Paris ব্যক্ত "if Prince is going then I want to go too!" Grace ব্যক্ত "neither of আপনি can go because আপনি are too young to be in the car with someone with a learners permit!" Prince and Paris looked at her in disappointment as the two of us got ready to leave. Grace ব্যক্ত "good luck আপনি guys! I can't wait to hear all about it when আপনি get back." Dad ব্যক্ত "thanks; I think we're going to need it!"
We went out to the car and I was ready to open up the driver’s side door when dad ব্যক্ত "you're not driving just yet; hold your horses!" I asked disappointed "why?" He ব্যক্ত as we got into our seats "because I'm not taking আপনি out on the road until আপনি know what you're doing! I'm taking আপনি to an empty parking lot! We can use the Staples Center parking lot because it's closed today.
Once we arrived at the Staples Center parking lot, he parked the car and we switch seats with each other. I could tell that he was already nervous and I hadn't even started the car yet. After I buckled my seatbelt, I turned the key in the ignition and the motor started. I was overly eager and dad ব্যক্ত “wait, let me প্রদর্শনী আপনি what's what here! This is your gas pedal, this is the break! I suggest that আপনি don't tend to get them mixed up." I honked the horn and he ব্যক্ত "are আপনি listening to me? This is important! আপনি need to understand this অথবা else I'm not going to let আপনি drive! Now প্রদর্শনী me which ones the gas and which one is the break." I showed him and he tried to stall for as long as possible because he was really freaked out.
After 15 minutes, I finally ব্যক্ত "come on dad; I don't want to just sit here all দিন with the car running and stay in the same exact spot!" Dad ব্যক্ত as he let out a deep sigh "alright; but go slow!" I lightly pressed my foot down on the gas pedal and we started moving forward. I ব্যক্ত under my breath "oh my God; I can't believe I'm actually driving your car!" We slowly crept up on a giant cement yellow pole and dad ব্যক্ত "turn, turn, turn, turn AJ! Oh my God please turn AJ!" He squinted his eyes bracing for impact and I turned easily without any problems. I looked over at him and asked "what are আপনি so scared of dad? I'm doing fine and you're stressing over nothing!" He ব্যক্ত "this isn't nothing AJ! I don't want আপনি to get hurt!" I laughed as I looked around and asked "how the heck do আপনি expect me to get hurt in a giant empty parking lot with no other cars and not to mention that that pole was the only thing I could have possibly hit! I can understand why you'd be like this if we were on the road with a bunch of other cars but; come on!"
He opened his eyes and asked "did আপনি crash?" I asked "does it look like I crashed dad?" He looked around to see that the both of us were perfectly fine and took a deep breath. I asked "can I go a little bit faster than a turtle?" He ব্যক্ত "fine; I can't hold আপনি back forever!" I cranked up to speed a little bit faster and dad ব্যক্ত after about 20 মিনিট of driving "okay; I think that's enough driving for আপনি today! I'll take আপনি out every couple of days for about an ঘন্টা until I feel you're ready to drive on the road. I know I gave আপনি a hard time but; it's only because I'm worried! আপনি did pretty well for someone who's never driven before!"
March 23, 2009,
There was a knock at the front door of our Los Angeles rental house and I answered it with Carter in my arms. A gorgeous, tall, African-American woman was standing on the other side and I asked "can I help you?" She ব্যক্ত "hi; my name is Kyi Chase and your father hired me as the new chef here." I ব্যক্ত "oh yeah; I forgot that today was your first day! Come on in and I'll go get my dad for you!"
While I went to go find dad, Kyi found her way to the রান্নাঘর and sat down on a barstool. Soon after, dad, Prince, Paris, Blanket, and I walked in and Kyi ব্যক্ত "it's nice to finally meet আপনি Michael!" We each introduced ourselves and she asked "when did আপনি have another baby Michael?" I ব্যক্ত "oh no; he is not his! This is Carter and he is my son. Just don't say anything to anyone else because we want to keep me being a teenage mother a secret for as long as possible!" She shook her head in agreement and ব্যক্ত "I completely understand! I won't say anything!"
Dad ব্যক্ত as he sat down পরবর্তি to Kyi "during the week the children and I eat very healthy but; on Saturdays all of us eat anything and everything we want to!" She ব্যক্ত "that sounds good to me! I have a lot of healthy খাবার meal plans!" Their conversation was interrupted দ্বারা a gurgling sound and she ব্যক্ত "well; আপনি kids must be really hungry!" I looked down at Carter and ব্যক্ত "that wasn't us! Seriously Carter; I can't believe I have to change আপনি again!" I went upstairs while the rest of them talked about what খাবার they would like to have made for them.
March 27, 2009,
We were all setting the টেবিল when Kyi brought out a giant bowl of chicken Alfredo. As I was filling my plate, I looked over and saw dad's eyes quickly scan Kyi's amazing figure. I looked at him with a mischievous look on my face and asked "were আপনি checking her out dad?" He looked down and started blushing. I started laughing and ব্যক্ত "you didn't think I was going to catch on to that!" He ব্যক্ত "I forget that আপনি had a boyfriend sometimes and আপনি pick up on that kind of stuff."
April 6, 2009,
I was up in my room when I heard dad's shoes squeaking on the floor. He came in and without saying anything dropped a piece of paper down in front of me. I knew exactly what it was and he asked "did আপনি think I wasn't going to find out that আপনি haven't been doing your schoolwork since the baby was born?" I ব্যক্ত "you know it's not easy for me to juggle being a mom at 15 and doing my schoolwork!" He ব্যক্ত "that doesn't mean that আপনি don't have to do any of your work; that's no excuse!" I ব্যক্ত "I'm actually thinking of dropping out soon!" He ব্যক্ত "no you're not! Not on my watch!" I asked "do আপনি know how hard it is to be me? No আপনি don't; so আপনি don't have a lot of room to talk dad!" He ব্যক্ত "yes I do because I'm your dad and I have the right to tell আপনি that you're staying in school!" I ব্যক্ত under my breath as he walked away "we'll see about that." He ব্যক্ত "you have less than four years the; just get it over with!"
April 11, 2009,
I was sitting with Carter on the পালঙ্ক পরবর্তি to dad when the doorbell rang. Dad got up to answer it and I heard him say "it's nice that আপনি guys came all the way down here to see AJ but; she can't hang out with আপনি because she's taking care of Carter." I began to get curious and went to go see who was at the door. I couldn't believe it! Sketch, Brandon, and Colton were standing at the front steps. Before dad could stop me, I grabbed my জ্যাকেট and dashed out the door after passing Carter to him. I hopped in the car that the guys had rented. As we sped out of the driveway, I heard dad yell "Alanna আপনি better get back here!"
Once we were far enough away, I looked at them and asked "what are আপনি guys doing here?" Colton ব্যক্ত "Kate gave us money to come down here and get আপনি out of the house for a while because you've been in there with the baby for a long time! আপনি do realize that you're probably not going to hear the end of it from your dad when আপনি get back; right?" I ব্যক্ত "I'm used to it; I don't care! If he's not complaining about one thing about me it'll be something else! What did আপনি have in mind for tonight?" Sketch showed me what appeared to be an amazingly realistic fake ID and asked "how does drinking your first few beers sound to you?” I knew it wasn't the right thing to do but; আপনি know how I am so I ব্যক্ত "sounds good to me!"
After we had gotten the alcohol with the fake ID, we went to the park and sat down in the grass! I popped the lid off of my বিয়ার bottle and took my first sip. I definitely didn't like the taste but; Brandon ব্যক্ত "trust me; it will be worth it!" I ব্যক্ত "it better be!"
When I had finished my third drink I was definitely feeling what they were talking about and the guys were laughing at how I was acting! We started doing some really stupid things that I can't really remember because I was so drunk. We each ended up drinking an eight pack of our own. Luckily, one of the guys was able to drive me প্রথমপাতা without getting into an accident and dad had gone to বিছানা দ্বারা the time I stumbled up the stairs to my room.
April 12, 2009,
When I woke up this morning I had the worst headache ever! I didn't remember anything from last night but; I did catch a glimpse of a few half full বিয়ার bottles in my room. I don't know why; but I didn't try to hide them! I was still kind of out of it and I fell back asleep.
Five মিনিট later, dad walked in my room and tapped my shoulder. I moaned "what?" He ব্যক্ত "it's time to get up!" I sat up and rubbed my eyes. That's when he noticed the বিয়ার bottles in my room. His eyes widened and he asked with a whispered tone "did আপনি drink last night?" I ব্যক্ত "yup!" He ব্যক্ত as he sat down পরবর্তি to me on my বিছানা "you say that like it's no big deal AJ! You're 15 years old and আপনি shouldn't be drinking!!" I ব্যক্ত "whatever dad." He ব্যক্ত raising his voice a little bit "no it's not whatever Alanna! দ্বারা the way, I know that আপনি just got প্রথমপাতা an ঘন্টা পূর্বে because I heard the front door shut! আপনি look absolutely ridiculous right now!!!"
His voice cracked as he started to cry and he ব্যক্ত "LOOK AT YOURSELF! Your hair is sticking up all over the place! You've got ঘাস stains all over your clothes! আপনি smell like a brewery! Let alone the fact THAT YOU'RE DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS!" I mumbled slurring my words "I'm not that drunk!" Tears flowed from his eyes and he asked "WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU? WHERE IS MY LITTLE TOMBOY? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO আপনি ARE ANYMORE!" I fell over in a drunken stupor and he just started bawling his eyes out as he fell to his knees. He crawled পরবর্তি to me and dragged me onto his lap.
I had fallen fast asleep and he just kept crying and rocking me back and forth as if I was a newborn baby. He cried uncontrollably as he ব্যক্ত "it's okay; it's okay! Daddy's going to protect আপনি from the dark side of the world! I didn't want this for you! আপনি deserve so much better! I need to save আপনি from yourself!"
Grace came into the room to see what all the commotion was and asked as she knelt down পরবর্তি to him "what's wrong Michael?" He ব্যক্ত "Alanna came প্রথমপাতা about an ঘন্টা পূর্বে and she is drunk! Grace I don't know what to do! That's the worst thing she's ever done! I didn't think she would do something that stupid! Now that she knows what it feels like; I'm afraid that she won't stop! আপনি know how she is! She does what she wants when she wants to! What's she going to do when she's out in the world without me to protect her?" Grace didn't have anything to say because she was just as terrified as he is. He ব্যক্ত as he looked at her with his eyes bloodshot from crying so hard and ব্যক্ত "that scares the hell out of me! I don't know what I'm going to do with her! I've tried and tried to প্রদর্শনী her the right things in life… She just doesn't listen! SHE'S TEARING ME APART! I'm trying so hard but; what আরো can I do?"
At this point, Grace had started crying and dad ব্যক্ত "I have to put her on the right track before it's too late! She's drinking, a teenage mother, swears like a sailor, and sneaks out of the house. What's next; jail? I have to say that it wouldn't surprise me!" What she doesn't realize is that the real world isn't like it is this me!" Grace asked "what are we going to do? I can't stop her if she decides she's going to just up and leave!!!" He ব্যক্ত as he picked me up and put me in বিছানা "I guess I have no choice but to bring her with me when I go to rehearsals." He kissed my forehead moving my blonde hair out of the way and ব্যক্ত "I want আপনি to be everything that আপনি can be! I hate the person you're becoming and I'll do everything in my power to stop that!" He then lay down পরবর্তি to me in my বিছানা and fell asleep.
June 24, 2009,
Dad and I were leaving the Staples center after his rehearsals ended at 9 o'clock. দ্বারা now, dad had started letting me learn how to drive on the road so; I got into the drivers আসন while she sat in the passenger's seat. Before we had even gotten onto the road he was already being critical of my driving. He ব্যক্ত "watch out for that car AJ!" I ব্যক্ত as I put the blinker on "I can see dad! I was already way ahead of you!" He ব্যক্ত after the stop light turned green "don't keep your foot so heavy on the gas pedal AJ; the speed here is 35! How fast are আপনি going?" I ব্যক্ত with an annoyed tone in my voice "34 dad! Will আপনি please chill out?" He ব্যক্ত "I can't because I don't trust you!" I rolled my eyes and ব্যক্ত "oh there আপনি go again with the whole 'I don't trust you’ thing!" He ব্যক্ত "pay attention to what you're doing! আপনি just ran that stop sign!" I ব্যক্ত arrogantly "um… No I didn't!" He ব্যক্ত "don't tell me আপনি didn't because I just saw আপনি with my own two eyes! আপনি know what; pull the car over on the side of the road! I asked "what; why?"
I pulled the car over and he ব্যক্ত "get in the back seat; you're done!" I snarled my upper lip with rage as I climbed into the back আসন and he into the drivers. He ব্যক্ত as he looked at me in the rearview mirror "you need to quit it with the attitude! What's the deal AJ?" I ব্যক্ত "you're being way too strict with me and I can't take it much longer!" He ব্যক্ত "I wish I didn't have to be so strict আপনি but; আপনি don't listen to me at all anymore!" I ব্যক্ত "you are over exaggerating!" He asked "oh really? When was the last time আপনি made your bed?" I of course didn't answer him because then I would have to own up to it.
He started crying and I ব্যক্ত frustrated "oh my God; I can't believe you're crying again! If আপনি think that going to make me feel bad you're wasting your time!" He shook his head in disbelief and ব্যক্ত "I didn't raise আপনি like this! I want আপনি to be like আপনি used to be! When আপনি were somewhat well behaved; instead of absolutely out-of-control!" I shouted "YOU NEED TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL THAT I'M NOT THAT LITTLE FOUR-YEAR-OLD ANYMORE! I DON'T NEED আপনি ANYMORE!"
We pulled into the driveway and he ব্যক্ত "go upstairs to your room! You're on punishment until further notice!" I slammed the car door and stormed inside. Grace ব্যক্ত "hi আপনি two; how was your day?" I ব্যক্ত as I raced up the stairs with dad following me "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" He looked at Grace and ব্যক্ত "that right there is how our দিন was!" He took Carter from her and ব্যক্ত "I guess I'll be watching him tonight again!"
After he had gotten the baby asleep, he stood in his bedroom doorway and I stood in mine. He calmly asked with tears in his eyes "are আপনি going to apologize?" I ব্যক্ত "no" and slammed my door. Grace had seen everything that just happened and looked at my dad in shock as tears streamed down his face. She ran over to hug him and he asked "why does she do this to me? If only she knew how much it really hurts to have her say that stuff to me! She knows that much I প্রণয় her and she uses that to her advantage!" Grace pulled away from the hug and ব্যক্ত "hang on; I'll be back Michael!"
The পরবর্তি thing I knew, she swung my bedroom door wide open and slammed it shut after she walked in. I sat there texting on my phone completely unfazed দ্বারা the commotion going on directly outside my bedroom door. She walked up to me and ripped the phone out of my hands! I ব্যক্ত "what the hell Grace!!!" She asked "ALANNA MICHAEL JACKSON DO আপনি SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR FATHER? YOU'RE DESTROYING HIM! DO আপনি HEAR HIM CRYING OUT THERE? HE'S LEANING UP AGAINST THE দেওয়াল SITTING DOWN AND CRYING TO THE POINT WHERE HE IS SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY!"
She grabbed me দ্বারা the arm and pressed my ear up against the door. My dad ব্যক্ত while sobbing "I প্রণয় HER SO MUCH! SHE CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER! MY BABY; WHERE DID I GO WRONG? I WISH আপনি WOULD TELL ME SO I COULD FIX IT!!!" Grace looked at me and ব্যক্ত "see; he thinks he's failing আপনি as a father! আপনি can't do that to him AJ! Do আপনি know what he's done for you?" Sit down; I want to প্রদর্শনী আপনি a video!" She pulled out a video tape from my cluttered closet and pressed play as she put it in the VCR:
Dated at the bottom of the screen: August 21, 1996
Grace and I sitting at the টেবিল eating ডিনার when I was two years old. The door opens and Grace asked "who is that AJ?" Dad snuck up behind me and covered my eyes with his hands. Then he lifted them to reveal his face staring at me. I ব্যক্ত "MY DADDY IS HOME!" He picked me up and ব্যক্ত "I missed you!" Grace asked "why don't আপনি প্রদর্শনী daddy what we threw away?" Dad walked up to the trashcan with me in his arms and pressed the lever that lifted the trashcan lid with his foot. He gasped and ব্যক্ত "you don't want your binky anymore!" I ব্যক্ত "no; I'm a big kid!" Grace ব্যক্ত "and in আরো ways than just the pacifiers Michael!" I started giggling and ব্যক্ত "Spiderman, daddy I got Spiderman!" He looked at grace and asked "Spiderman what?" Grace lifted my শার্ট and he ব্যক্ত "oh; আপনি got rid of those diapers for good! আপনি hear that AJ? There's no going back now!" Grace ব্যক্ত "I think you're the one that doesn't want her to grow up! She was আরো than ready to get rid of her baby things!" He started to cry and I asked in broken English "why আপনি cry daddy? আপনি need to be jumpy instead! I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you!"
***
After the video was over those words "I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you" stuck in my head as I heard dad continue to cry in the hallway. Grace ব্যক্ত "you may not want to be his baby; but আপনি always will be to him! I remember when আপনি got back from your trip to Australia like it was yesterday! Sure he was excited that আপনি were having less and less issues with telling him that আপনি needed to go but; he wanted to feel needed! He would deliberately sabotage my efforts to get আপনি to go to the bathroom (laughs). He didn't feel like আপনি were going to need him as much when আপনি started to grow up! He would come in and rescue আপনি from me; which made me look like such a bad guy and আপনি definitely used that to your advantage! আপনি would scream 'daddy I want আপনি in here; not Grace’ because আপনি knew he wouldn't make আপনি sit there… He just doesn't want to let আপনি go; no matter how old আপনি are… No matter what the fight অথবা argument is about! He wants to protect আপনি from everything! He doesn't want আপনি to get hurt! That's why he feels the need to be so strict and let's face it AJ; most of the time আপনি don't use your common sense! He is your common sense; আপনি need your dad আরো than আপনি think আপনি do! When আপনি say things about not needing him; it hurts him আরো than আপনি can ever imagine! He does so much for আপনি and আপনি treat him like dirt on the bottom of your shoe! He's at the end of his rope! He just wants আপনি to behave like he knows আপনি can and আপনি know আপনি can! আপনি just choose not too অথবা আপনি blame everything on your ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder… আপনি use that as an excuse and your dad feels guilty when he punishes you!"
I got up as my guilty conscience was eating me alive and opened up my bedroom door. I looked down at my dad who was sitting on the floor outside my bedroom crying his eyes out. I sat down on the floor পরবর্তি to him and he looked at me and was afraid say anything. I pulled him and for a hug. I ব্যক্ত "I'm sorry dad! I didn't understand why those memories of me when I was that young were so important to you! I'm sorry I swore at আপনি and slammed the door in your face! I want to prove to আপনি that আপনি can trust me! Don't beat yourself up because আপনি are the best father in the world! He wiped his tears and ব্যক্ত "I'm sorry that I'm always talking about when আপনি were really little! That's just all that I have left of that time; I'll never do those types of things again! Blanket is my youngest and he is seven!" I ব্যক্ত "I'm not a baby anymore but; I will always need my daddy!" He kissed me and ব্যক্ত "I accept your apology and I hope to God that we don't have a fight like that again! I ব্যক্ত "now that আপনি are calm; আপনি may want to know that I punched a hole through the দেওয়াল in my bedroom!" Dad ব্যক্ত as he sighed "you'll be patching that up as part of your punishment!" I ব্যক্ত "okay dad; I প্রণয় আপনি and I just want to tell আপনি that I'm sorry again! I know that that was unnecessary and uncalled for!" He ব্যক্ত "I accept your apology again and like I always say, I'll always প্রণয় আপনি আরো than আপনি প্রণয় me!"
June 25, 2009,
I was laying in my room and 1 million thoughts went through my mind. How am I going to প্রদর্শনী dad that he can trust me again? I feel like such a jerk for what happened last night! I've never seen him cry like that! Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever made him cry with anything other than tears of joy! If Grace had not snapped me out of the mood I was in today would start off just as bad as yesterday!
It was about 8 o'clock in the morning and I heard Dr. Murray scream "Alanna, Prince come quick!" Prince ran into my room and ব্যক্ত "there's something really wrong with daddy!" I jolted out of বিছানা and ran down the hall with him. When we got to the master bedroom, Prince and I stood there in shock as we stared at dad lying on the floor while Dr. Murray frantically performed CPR. Prince and I started crying and I hugged him while Paris, Grace, and Blanket started praying.
মিনিট later, the অ্যাম্বুলেন্স had arrived and so had my relatives. Grandma ব্যক্ত while trying to hide her fear and concern "come on children; we're going to the hospital!" I forced back tears the entire ride to the hospital and it felt like we were never going to get there!
All four of us kids walked inside without our masks on and sat in the waiting room while the rest of the family went to go see what was going on. Dad's manager Frank sat with us and we waited for about a half hour. Then a nurse directed us to an empty room with chairs. We all sat down and Prince sat down পরবর্তি to me. We sat there in silence for a few minutes. I looked up at my grandmother without saying anything and she forced out of the words "I'm sorry children but; your father passed away this morning!" Prince, Paris, and Blanket immediately started crying. The সেকেন্ড I heard her say those words, I stormed out of the room and Frank followed me. He shouted "AJ wait!" I ran out the door and sat down on a bench outside the hospital entrance. Frank caught up with me and sat down পরবর্তি to me.
I started crying as Frank looked at me sympathetically. He hugged me as I cried hysterically and asked "is he really dead?" Frank ব্যক্ত "I'm afraid so AJ!" I ব্যক্ত as I shook my head in disbelief "this can't be happening! He can't be gone forever! I need him!" Prince came outside দ্বারা himself and ব্যক্ত "we all just saw dad one আরো time. আপনি should go see him too." I looked at Frank and asked "will আপনি go with me? I don't feel comfortable crying in front of anyone else and I don't want to go in alone!" Frank ব্যক্ত "of course I will kid!" I hugged Prince as he wiped his eyes and we all went back inside the hospital.
Frank walked into the hospital room where my dad's body was with me and I stood over his lifeless body. I started crying and collapsed into a chair. Frank ব্যক্ত "it'll be okay! He's in a better place now!" I ব্যক্ত "it's not okay! It's all my fault!" Frank ব্যক্ত "I don't know why আপনি would think that! In no way at all is this your fault!" I ব্যক্ত "he thought I didn't need him anymore! We got into a huge fight last night and I almost punched him! I scared the crap out of him and made him feel like an awful father! Even though I apologized, I didn't think that that would be the last thing I ever ব্যক্ত to him!" Frank ব্যক্ত "I guarantee আপনি that your dad is looking down at আপনি right now from heaven and he would want to tell আপনি not to blame any of this on yourself because it's not your fault! I promise আপনি it's not your fault! We're going to find out what really happened and get everything straightened out!" I kissed dad's cheek and ব্যক্ত "I প্রণয় আপনি more!!!
I wiped away tears and calmed myself down. Frank ব্যক্ত down পরবর্তি to me and I asked "what happens now?" Frank ব্যক্ত "well; I think you're going to go back to your grandmother's house." I rolled my eyes and ব্যক্ত "I have a feeling that that's not going to last for very long between me and her under the same roof." Frank ব্যক্ত "your dad wanted me to give আপনি something just in case anything ever happened to him" as he pulled and envelope out of his pocket. I looked at him confused as I grabbed it and asked "what is it?" He responded "I honestly don't know. I never looked inside it! I've held onto it since 2007." I opened it up and there was a letter of stapled pieces of paper. I read out loud:
"Dear Alanna,
দ্বারা now আপনি probably know that I have died for some unknown reason. In the event of my death I would like আপনি to have what is inside this envelope. Before আপনি continue on to the পরবর্তি page, there are some final rules and guidelines that আপনি need to follow that go along with what আপনি will see in a minute. The first of which is, in order to take advantage of what is on the পরবর্তি page আপনি must continue your final four years of high school! Next, আপনি must keep yourself from getting in trouble with the law! (Written in a different color ink which probably means he added it years later) lastly, আপনি must continue to play an active role in Carter's life. Which means; আপনি will take every opportunity আপনি have to spend time with him and take two months out of the বছর to spend solely with him! If any of these rules are broken it WILL NOT BE TOLERATED and what is on the পরবর্তি page will be immediately revoked দ্বারা your guardian until আপনি reach the age of 18! Upon আপনি turning 18 it shall be returned to you! I can probably imagine that you've cried a lot of tears today so I'll end this letter with a quote from Spiderman that আপনি will probably laugh at but; try to take it literally because it's true! 'With great power; comes great responsibility!'
Sincerely, daddy
PS. I প্রণয় আপনি আরো :-)"
***
I laughed at the quote and Frank asked "what's on the পরবর্তি page AJ?" I turned the page casually and started to scan it with my eyes. After a few minutes, I whispered "oh my God" and shook my head in disbelief. Frank asked "what is it?" I asked myself "is he serious? He can't be serious!!!" Frank asked again "WHAT IS IT?" I read it out loud "MJJ records: recording contract!" Frank stood up and looked over my shoulder. He ব্যক্ত "it looks like your dad wanted আপনি signed as an official artist to his record label and it says right here that he appointed me as your manager!" I started crying again and Frank ব্যক্ত "he signed the bottom of the paper saying that it is okay for আপনি to be signed because আপনি are a minor. All আপনি need to is sign your name and initial here!" I signed my name with the pen he passed me and he ব্যক্ত "welcome to MJJ records kid!" I ব্যক্ত "I can't believe my dream is coming true! I'm going to be a famous celebrity like my dad!"
July 7, 2009,
I was sitting at the breakfast টেবিল eating cereal in Havenhurst and my grandmother sat down পরবর্তি to me. She asked "are আপনি okay AJ? আপনি haven't talked about what happened to your dad since we left the hospital." I got up to throw my bowl in the sink and ব্যক্ত "I don't want to talk about it." She looked at me emotionless and I took Carter out of his high chair.
I got dressed in a female suit with pants and all of us gathered in the living room. I looked at my aunts and uncles as I held my almost 8-month-old son in my arms. Uncle Randy ব্যক্ত "I don't know what we're going to do about this whole car situation and getting to the memorial service. Mother needs to go with us which leaves Alanna, Prince, Paris, and Blanket having to go in the other car. AJ do আপনি have your license yet অথবা just your permit?" I ব্যক্ত "just my permit; why?" He ব্যক্ত as he looked at my grandmother "well; do আপনি think আপনি could get to the Staples center where the memorial is দ্বারা yourself without getting pulled over?"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They're basically asking me to do something illegal! I thought about it for a few মিনিট and ব্যক্ত "yeah; I think I can do that! Just as long as আপনি take the baby in your car because I don't feel comfortable driving without an adult with Carter in the car. I'm fine taking Blanket, Prince, and Paris with me though."
They agreed and uncle Jermaine tossed me his car keys. I walked out to the car with my siblings. I noticed that my dog পাতিহাঁস was still outside and turned back to let him in the house. Blanket and Paris sat in the back আসন while Prince sat পরবর্তি to me in the passenger seat. I asked "are আপনি guys buckled up?" They shook their heads in agreement and Prince turned the radio on. I asked "can আপনি at least wait until we get out of the driveway? আপনি have to remember that this is the first time I'll be driving without an adult in the car and I don't want to mess up!"
I looked over my shoulder as I pulled out of the driveway and uncle Randy rolled his car window down to talk to me before we officially leave. He ব্যক্ত "you got this; just pay attention to stop lights and signs. The GPS is already preset with address to both the Staples center and Forrest Lawn Cemetery where the private funeral will be. Whatever আপনি do, don't get pulled over AJ!" I took a deep breath and ব্যক্ত "I won't." He rolled his window up and drove off with my other relatives in the car with him.
I drove down the রাস্তা and turned the GPS on. The automated voice started spitting out directions faster than I can understand her. I asked Prince as we pulled up to an intersection "is there a rewind button on that thing?" He picked the GPS up and ব্যক্ত "I don't see one." I ব্যক্ত "that's just great! I think we're lost!" Prince ব্যক্ত "just ask for directions!" I ব্যক্ত "I can't because someone will know that I'm not supposed me driving without and adult in the car." Prince ব্যক্ত "I didn't even notice that that's Uncle Randy's car in front of us!" I passed him my cell phone and ব্যক্ত "text him and tell him that the GPS is being stupid! Tell him to go straight to the Staples center because were following him." Prince started tapping on the keyboard and Aunt Janet gave me a thumbs up from the back আসন of his car.
I took a sigh of relief as I drove through the entrance of the Staples center and the four of us got out of the car. My relatives walked up to us in a group and grandma passed me Carter who had fallen asleep in her arms. Then uncle Marlon passed me a white bracelet and ব্যক্ত "that's your pass to the reserve seating area were all of us will be; don't lose it!"
Five মিনিট before the ceremony ended, Paris walked on the stage and ব্যক্ত "I just wanted to say that my daddy was the best father আপনি could ever imagine and I just প্রণয় him so much!" I was so proud of my sister because I wouldn't have been able to be that brave. I'm still not used to the idea of my dad being gone অথবা living with my grandmother. On শীর্ষ of all of that, I still have to be a mother to Carter and that only makes me miss my dad more. I feel like I don't belong here, I don't fit in at my grandmother's house! I wonder how long this is going to last!
July 14, 2009,
I was sitting in my grandmother's living room after putting Carter down for a nap and watching TV. I wasn't really watching it though; I was just staring at it thinking about my dad. Grandma walked up to me and sat down. She ব্যক্ত "it's okay to be sad AJ! I haven't seen আপনি cry at all!" I looked at her and ব্যক্ত "that's because I'm not a crier grandma!" She ব্যক্ত "so আপনি just going to walk around here every দিন all depressed like this!" I ব্যক্ত "I'm not talking about this anymore!" I ran up to my new room and sat down on the bed. I looked at the picture of dad and I when I was 11 years old and put the picture frame facing down so I didn't have to look at it. I started crying and ব্যক্ত "I don't know how I'm going to do this! I just want my dad back! I wish everyone would stop asking me how I'm feeling! How do আপনি think I'm feeling? My dad just died!"
Blanket came into my room as I quickly tried to hide the fact that I have been crying. He ব্যক্ত as he started to cry "I want daddy to come back too!" He sat down on the বিছানা and I put my arm around him. Blanket ব্যক্ত "I don't really want to live here AJ!" I ব্যক্ত "I don't either buddy but; we have to try and make the best of it!" He asked "why did he have to leave us so soon?" I paused searching for an appropriate answer to give a seven-year-old and ব্যক্ত "I don't know buddy; I guess it was just time for God to take him to heaven." He ব্যক্ত "I heard that আপনি going to be a singer just like daddy! Are আপনি going to leave us here if আপনি have to go travel somewhere?" I ব্যক্ত "yeah; but I will always be with আপনি in your heart! I will call আপনি all the time when I'm away! I promise that if আপনি ever need me for anything important; I'll be there!"
August 3, 2009,
Frank texted me a few মিনিট পূর্বে and ব্যক্ত he wants to have a meeting with me about launching my career. Once he arrived, I let him inside and we went into the spare living room. He ব্যক্ত "we have to create your image!" I looked at him confused and asked "what do আপনি mean?" He ব্যক্ত "a certain style অথবা way that আপনি carry yourself that people will remember আপনি for. আরো importantly something that your future অনুরাগী base will remember আপনি for!" I ব্যক্ত "oh; now I get it!" He ব্যক্ত "it's been a long time since I've started the career of an artist from the ground up. What are kids and teens into these days?" I ব্যক্ত "everything pretty much has to do with social media sites like Twitter, Facebook, and sometimes MySpace!" He ব্যক্ত "from what I can see with other teenage celebrities, setting up a Twitter account before আপনি actually get in the studio will make people wonder what you're up to. Just having Michael Jackson as your father will help আপনি gain অনুরাগী without even doing anything."
I grabbed my laptop and sat back down on the couch. I asked "so what you're saying is that আপনি think I should make a Twitter account?" He ব্যক্ত "yeah; just make your ব্যবহারকারী নাম direct and to the point. I'll make sure that it becomes a verified account for you." I typed on my keyboard under the ব্যবহারকারী নাম section in create an account: @officialAlannaJackson. I asked "what should I send as my first tweet?" He ব্যক্ত "something that hints to what you're doing অথবা planning to do but; will leave people wondering." I thought about it for a মিনিট and then typed @officialAlannaJackson: be prepared for what's coming your way!
I asked "what's next?" He ব্যক্ত "we work on your sense of style!" I ব্যক্ত "what are আপনি talking about? I have a great sense of style!" He ব্যক্ত "I think we should change your hair style because it's the exact same thing as that Bieber kids except yours is blonde. Come on we're going to the hairdresser."
I walked into the bathroom and Frank could hear the buzzcutter running. He stormed in and asked "what do আপনি think you're doing?" I stood there as I shaved my head back to the fauxhawk that I had a couple years back. He ব্যক্ত "I can't believe আপনি just did that without even asking me!" I ব্যক্ত "listen, it's my head and I'm not just going to walk around with whatever hairstyle আপনি want me to have. That me being how the rest of Hollywood works but; I'm not doing this for Hollywood, I'm doing it for me! I'm going to wear my usual baggy jeans and sports jerseys because that's what I like. I understand why আপনি wanted me to cut my hair but; I'm not going to just conform to what society wants me to be because I'm my own person!" Frank just looked at me stunned and ব্যক্ত "fair enough."
August 5, 2009,
I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my dad not being alive anymore. It still doesn't feel like he's gone! It just feels like he's on vacation and that he will be back soon… Even though I know that's not going to happen! It's definitely one of those times when আপনি can say "you don't know what you've got until it's gone!"
Having Carter helps me get my mind off of things. He's changed so much already since he has been born. He has the most amazing smile and I can't wait until his teeth grow in because it will be even better! I don't have time to be sad about my dad because I have to take care of my son. That's what my relatives don't understand! It's almost like they want me to fall to my knees and beg for my dad to be back! It's like they think that I don't care! If only they were me they would know how I feel! I miss my dad so much and this is still all so new to me
***
All of us were in the backyard watching Prince and my cousin Jafar playing badminton. Carter was sitting in his bouncy saucer and my grandmother asked "will আপনি please talk to me about how you're feeling when it comes to your father? I ব্যক্ত "I don't want to; what part of that don't আপনি understand?" She ব্যক্ত "please don't talk to me like that AJ!" I picked Carter up and went inside to my room.
After a few minutes, grandma came in and sat down on my bed. I took one look at her and started crying. She hugged me and ব্যক্ত "I was waiting for this to happen. It's okay; you're going to get through this!" I ব্যক্ত "this is so hard! I just want dad back! I'm not used to sharing a house with so many people!" She ব্যক্ত "just think about it; আপনি probably won't be here that much when আপনি start working on your musical career! Plus having so many family members means that Carter will definitely be loved when you're gone!" I worry how all this will play out.
January 2, 2009,
I was lying in my বিছানা with Carter in his ডাবা on the other side of my large bedroom. Dad came in and ব্যক্ত as he walked over to pick up Carter because he was crying "AJ; আপনি need to get up." I put a বালিশ over my head and rolled over. He ব্যক্ত "you need to get up!" I complained "Carter kept me up all night long every ঘন্টা and a half! I'm tired; can it be your turn?" He ব্যক্ত "no, no, no, that's not how it works! I told আপনি that if আপনি wanted to raise Carter as your child then it's your responsibility to take care of him; not mine! I understand that you're tired but; so am I. I have 12 ঘন্টা work days at rehearsals for the new tour!"
I moaned "I প্রণয় my বিছানা and I'm not moving!" Dad grabbed my foot that was sticking out from underneath the covers and gently pulled me out of bed. I got up and ব্যক্ত with an irritated tone in my voice "all I'm asking for is one half-hour sleep!" Dad ব্যক্ত "yeah well; that's tough for আপনি because you're not going to get it. I've got to go to rehearsals. Oh and দ্বারা the way, Grace and I got into an argument last night so; I don't know if she will be coming back. That means you're going to have to watch Carter, Blanket, Prince, and Paris until I get home. Don't worry; I cut my দিন short so I should be প্রথমপাতা at about 4 o'clock and I will bring প্রথমপাতা something to eat." I ব্যক্ত "you've got to be kidding me dad! I don't want to watch all of them! I already have my hands full with Carter as it is!" Dad ব্যক্ত "I don't want to hear it AJ. You're watching them and that's that! I'm not doing it on purpose; I don't really have another choice! I ব্যক্ত sarcastically "I don't know; maybe আপনি could stay home!" He ব্যক্ত "I can't afford to miss too many days AJ. আপনি make it seem like it's going to be too much for আপনি to handle. Prince is 11 and Paris is 10 so; it's not like আপনি have to entertain them. As for Blanket, আপনি can set him up with TV shows!" I ব্যক্ত "fine, but only because আপনি have no other choice!" He hugged me and ব্যক্ত "thank you; I appreciate it, just don't burn the house down!"
January 7, 2009,
I was making Carter a bottle while dad put dishes in the dishwasher. He looked over and ব্যক্ত "make sure আপনি measure that out correctly AJ.” I looked at him with an irritated expression on my face and ব্যক্ত "I know dad! I'm not stupid!" Dad ব্যক্ত "I was just making sure; there's no reason for the attitude." I ব্যক্ত "whatever!" I stormed out of the room and sat on the couch.
As I was about to burp Carter, dad came in and sat down পরবর্তি to me. He ব্যক্ত "don't be afraid to be a little bit forceful just as long as you're not too rough!" I looked over at him as I rolled my eyes and ব্যক্ত "I know dad!" He ব্যক্ত "I'm just trying to be helpful; that's all." I ব্যক্ত "well; you're not being very helpful and you're actually starting to piss me off!" He asked "was that language really necessary Alanna?" I replied "um yeah actually it was because আপনি won't have any faith in me when it comes to taking care of Carter!" He ব্যক্ত "I do trust you; it's not easy for me to trust আপনি but, I do." I asked "why would it be hard for আপনি trust me?" Dad ব্যক্ত "seriously; I can't believe you're asking me that! Every other thing আপনি tell me is a lie and আপনি walk around here like আপনি don't care about what I have to say!" I ব্যক্ত "okay; go ahead and play the victim again because that way আপনি know you'll win!"
I brought Carter upstairs to finish feeding him because the tension between dad and I was filling the air. A few মিনিট later, dad came upstairs and walked into my room. He sat down on my বিছানা and ব্যক্ত "you have to understand that the fact that you’re a mother hasn't fully sunk in yet and you're not even 15 yet! আপনি still have a lot to learn!” I ব্যক্ত "I came up here for a reason; I need to be away from আপনি right now!" He ব্যক্ত "I প্রণয় আপনি AJ!" I whispered "I প্রণয় আপনি too" and he ব্যক্ত "I প্রণয় আপনি more!"
March 19, 2009,
I got my drivers permit a couple of days পূর্বে and have been badgering dad to take me out for my first test drive. The two of us were standing in the রান্নাঘর and I begged "come on dad! Please take me out and teach me how to drive! Now is the perfect time because Grace is back and she can watch the kids while we're gone!" He grabbed his car keys and ব্যক্ত "I'm not looking অগ্রবর্তী to this! Let's get this over with!" I ব্যক্ত "thank you, thank you, thank you!" He ব্যক্ত "Grace we'll be back in about an hour." Prince asked "is AJ going to learn how to drive daddy? Can I come?" Paris ব্যক্ত "if Prince is going then I want to go too!" Grace ব্যক্ত "neither of আপনি can go because আপনি are too young to be in the car with someone with a learners permit!" Prince and Paris looked at her in disappointment as the two of us got ready to leave. Grace ব্যক্ত "good luck আপনি guys! I can't wait to hear all about it when আপনি get back." Dad ব্যক্ত "thanks; I think we're going to need it!"
We went out to the car and I was ready to open up the driver’s side door when dad ব্যক্ত "you're not driving just yet; hold your horses!" I asked disappointed "why?" He ব্যক্ত as we got into our seats "because I'm not taking আপনি out on the road until আপনি know what you're doing! I'm taking আপনি to an empty parking lot! We can use the Staples Center parking lot because it's closed today.
Once we arrived at the Staples Center parking lot, he parked the car and we switch seats with each other. I could tell that he was already nervous and I hadn't even started the car yet. After I buckled my seatbelt, I turned the key in the ignition and the motor started. I was overly eager and dad ব্যক্ত “wait, let me প্রদর্শনী আপনি what's what here! This is your gas pedal, this is the break! I suggest that আপনি don't tend to get them mixed up." I honked the horn and he ব্যক্ত "are আপনি listening to me? This is important! আপনি need to understand this অথবা else I'm not going to let আপনি drive! Now প্রদর্শনী me which ones the gas and which one is the break." I showed him and he tried to stall for as long as possible because he was really freaked out.
After 15 minutes, I finally ব্যক্ত "come on dad; I don't want to just sit here all দিন with the car running and stay in the same exact spot!" Dad ব্যক্ত as he let out a deep sigh "alright; but go slow!" I lightly pressed my foot down on the gas pedal and we started moving forward. I ব্যক্ত under my breath "oh my God; I can't believe I'm actually driving your car!" We slowly crept up on a giant cement yellow pole and dad ব্যক্ত "turn, turn, turn, turn AJ! Oh my God please turn AJ!" He squinted his eyes bracing for impact and I turned easily without any problems. I looked over at him and asked "what are আপনি so scared of dad? I'm doing fine and you're stressing over nothing!" He ব্যক্ত "this isn't nothing AJ! I don't want আপনি to get hurt!" I laughed as I looked around and asked "how the heck do আপনি expect me to get hurt in a giant empty parking lot with no other cars and not to mention that that pole was the only thing I could have possibly hit! I can understand why you'd be like this if we were on the road with a bunch of other cars but; come on!"
He opened his eyes and asked "did আপনি crash?" I asked "does it look like I crashed dad?" He looked around to see that the both of us were perfectly fine and took a deep breath. I asked "can I go a little bit faster than a turtle?" He ব্যক্ত "fine; I can't hold আপনি back forever!" I cranked up to speed a little bit faster and dad ব্যক্ত after about 20 মিনিট of driving "okay; I think that's enough driving for আপনি today! I'll take আপনি out every couple of days for about an ঘন্টা until I feel you're ready to drive on the road. I know I gave আপনি a hard time but; it's only because I'm worried! আপনি did pretty well for someone who's never driven before!"
March 23, 2009,
There was a knock at the front door of our Los Angeles rental house and I answered it with Carter in my arms. A gorgeous, tall, African-American woman was standing on the other side and I asked "can I help you?" She ব্যক্ত "hi; my name is Kyi Chase and your father hired me as the new chef here." I ব্যক্ত "oh yeah; I forgot that today was your first day! Come on in and I'll go get my dad for you!"
While I went to go find dad, Kyi found her way to the রান্নাঘর and sat down on a barstool. Soon after, dad, Prince, Paris, Blanket, and I walked in and Kyi ব্যক্ত "it's nice to finally meet আপনি Michael!" We each introduced ourselves and she asked "when did আপনি have another baby Michael?" I ব্যক্ত "oh no; he is not his! This is Carter and he is my son. Just don't say anything to anyone else because we want to keep me being a teenage mother a secret for as long as possible!" She shook her head in agreement and ব্যক্ত "I completely understand! I won't say anything!"
Dad ব্যক্ত as he sat down পরবর্তি to Kyi "during the week the children and I eat very healthy but; on Saturdays all of us eat anything and everything we want to!" She ব্যক্ত "that sounds good to me! I have a lot of healthy খাবার meal plans!" Their conversation was interrupted দ্বারা a gurgling sound and she ব্যক্ত "well; আপনি kids must be really hungry!" I looked down at Carter and ব্যক্ত "that wasn't us! Seriously Carter; I can't believe I have to change আপনি again!" I went upstairs while the rest of them talked about what খাবার they would like to have made for them.
March 27, 2009,
We were all setting the টেবিল when Kyi brought out a giant bowl of chicken Alfredo. As I was filling my plate, I looked over and saw dad's eyes quickly scan Kyi's amazing figure. I looked at him with a mischievous look on my face and asked "were আপনি checking her out dad?" He looked down and started blushing. I started laughing and ব্যক্ত "you didn't think I was going to catch on to that!" He ব্যক্ত "I forget that আপনি had a boyfriend sometimes and আপনি pick up on that kind of stuff."
April 6, 2009,
I was up in my room when I heard dad's shoes squeaking on the floor. He came in and without saying anything dropped a piece of paper down in front of me. I knew exactly what it was and he asked "did আপনি think I wasn't going to find out that আপনি haven't been doing your schoolwork since the baby was born?" I ব্যক্ত "you know it's not easy for me to juggle being a mom at 15 and doing my schoolwork!" He ব্যক্ত "that doesn't mean that আপনি don't have to do any of your work; that's no excuse!" I ব্যক্ত "I'm actually thinking of dropping out soon!" He ব্যক্ত "no you're not! Not on my watch!" I asked "do আপনি know how hard it is to be me? No আপনি don't; so আপনি don't have a lot of room to talk dad!" He ব্যক্ত "yes I do because I'm your dad and I have the right to tell আপনি that you're staying in school!" I ব্যক্ত under my breath as he walked away "we'll see about that." He ব্যক্ত "you have less than four years the; just get it over with!"
April 11, 2009,
I was sitting with Carter on the পালঙ্ক পরবর্তি to dad when the doorbell rang. Dad got up to answer it and I heard him say "it's nice that আপনি guys came all the way down here to see AJ but; she can't hang out with আপনি because she's taking care of Carter." I began to get curious and went to go see who was at the door. I couldn't believe it! Sketch, Brandon, and Colton were standing at the front steps. Before dad could stop me, I grabbed my জ্যাকেট and dashed out the door after passing Carter to him. I hopped in the car that the guys had rented. As we sped out of the driveway, I heard dad yell "Alanna আপনি better get back here!"
Once we were far enough away, I looked at them and asked "what are আপনি guys doing here?" Colton ব্যক্ত "Kate gave us money to come down here and get আপনি out of the house for a while because you've been in there with the baby for a long time! আপনি do realize that you're probably not going to hear the end of it from your dad when আপনি get back; right?" I ব্যক্ত "I'm used to it; I don't care! If he's not complaining about one thing about me it'll be something else! What did আপনি have in mind for tonight?" Sketch showed me what appeared to be an amazingly realistic fake ID and asked "how does drinking your first few beers sound to you?” I knew it wasn't the right thing to do but; আপনি know how I am so I ব্যক্ত "sounds good to me!"
After we had gotten the alcohol with the fake ID, we went to the park and sat down in the grass! I popped the lid off of my বিয়ার bottle and took my first sip. I definitely didn't like the taste but; Brandon ব্যক্ত "trust me; it will be worth it!" I ব্যক্ত "it better be!"
When I had finished my third drink I was definitely feeling what they were talking about and the guys were laughing at how I was acting! We started doing some really stupid things that I can't really remember because I was so drunk. We each ended up drinking an eight pack of our own. Luckily, one of the guys was able to drive me প্রথমপাতা without getting into an accident and dad had gone to বিছানা দ্বারা the time I stumbled up the stairs to my room.
April 12, 2009,
When I woke up this morning I had the worst headache ever! I didn't remember anything from last night but; I did catch a glimpse of a few half full বিয়ার bottles in my room. I don't know why; but I didn't try to hide them! I was still kind of out of it and I fell back asleep.
Five মিনিট later, dad walked in my room and tapped my shoulder. I moaned "what?" He ব্যক্ত "it's time to get up!" I sat up and rubbed my eyes. That's when he noticed the বিয়ার bottles in my room. His eyes widened and he asked with a whispered tone "did আপনি drink last night?" I ব্যক্ত "yup!" He ব্যক্ত as he sat down পরবর্তি to me on my বিছানা "you say that like it's no big deal AJ! You're 15 years old and আপনি shouldn't be drinking!!" I ব্যক্ত "whatever dad." He ব্যক্ত raising his voice a little bit "no it's not whatever Alanna! দ্বারা the way, I know that আপনি just got প্রথমপাতা an ঘন্টা পূর্বে because I heard the front door shut! আপনি look absolutely ridiculous right now!!!"
His voice cracked as he started to cry and he ব্যক্ত "LOOK AT YOURSELF! Your hair is sticking up all over the place! You've got ঘাস stains all over your clothes! আপনি smell like a brewery! Let alone the fact THAT YOU'RE DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS!" I mumbled slurring my words "I'm not that drunk!" Tears flowed from his eyes and he asked "WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU? WHERE IS MY LITTLE TOMBOY? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO আপনি ARE ANYMORE!" I fell over in a drunken stupor and he just started bawling his eyes out as he fell to his knees. He crawled পরবর্তি to me and dragged me onto his lap.
I had fallen fast asleep and he just kept crying and rocking me back and forth as if I was a newborn baby. He cried uncontrollably as he ব্যক্ত "it's okay; it's okay! Daddy's going to protect আপনি from the dark side of the world! I didn't want this for you! আপনি deserve so much better! I need to save আপনি from yourself!"
Grace came into the room to see what all the commotion was and asked as she knelt down পরবর্তি to him "what's wrong Michael?" He ব্যক্ত "Alanna came প্রথমপাতা about an ঘন্টা পূর্বে and she is drunk! Grace I don't know what to do! That's the worst thing she's ever done! I didn't think she would do something that stupid! Now that she knows what it feels like; I'm afraid that she won't stop! আপনি know how she is! She does what she wants when she wants to! What's she going to do when she's out in the world without me to protect her?" Grace didn't have anything to say because she was just as terrified as he is. He ব্যক্ত as he looked at her with his eyes bloodshot from crying so hard and ব্যক্ত "that scares the hell out of me! I don't know what I'm going to do with her! I've tried and tried to প্রদর্শনী her the right things in life… She just doesn't listen! SHE'S TEARING ME APART! I'm trying so hard but; what আরো can I do?"
At this point, Grace had started crying and dad ব্যক্ত "I have to put her on the right track before it's too late! She's drinking, a teenage mother, swears like a sailor, and sneaks out of the house. What's next; jail? I have to say that it wouldn't surprise me!" What she doesn't realize is that the real world isn't like it is this me!" Grace asked "what are we going to do? I can't stop her if she decides she's going to just up and leave!!!" He ব্যক্ত as he picked me up and put me in বিছানা "I guess I have no choice but to bring her with me when I go to rehearsals." He kissed my forehead moving my blonde hair out of the way and ব্যক্ত "I want আপনি to be everything that আপনি can be! I hate the person you're becoming and I'll do everything in my power to stop that!" He then lay down পরবর্তি to me in my বিছানা and fell asleep.
June 24, 2009,
Dad and I were leaving the Staples center after his rehearsals ended at 9 o'clock. দ্বারা now, dad had started letting me learn how to drive on the road so; I got into the drivers আসন while she sat in the passenger's seat. Before we had even gotten onto the road he was already being critical of my driving. He ব্যক্ত "watch out for that car AJ!" I ব্যক্ত as I put the blinker on "I can see dad! I was already way ahead of you!" He ব্যক্ত after the stop light turned green "don't keep your foot so heavy on the gas pedal AJ; the speed here is 35! How fast are আপনি going?" I ব্যক্ত with an annoyed tone in my voice "34 dad! Will আপনি please chill out?" He ব্যক্ত "I can't because I don't trust you!" I rolled my eyes and ব্যক্ত "oh there আপনি go again with the whole 'I don't trust you’ thing!" He ব্যক্ত "pay attention to what you're doing! আপনি just ran that stop sign!" I ব্যক্ত arrogantly "um… No I didn't!" He ব্যক্ত "don't tell me আপনি didn't because I just saw আপনি with my own two eyes! আপনি know what; pull the car over on the side of the road! I asked "what; why?"
I pulled the car over and he ব্যক্ত "get in the back seat; you're done!" I snarled my upper lip with rage as I climbed into the back আসন and he into the drivers. He ব্যক্ত as he looked at me in the rearview mirror "you need to quit it with the attitude! What's the deal AJ?" I ব্যক্ত "you're being way too strict with me and I can't take it much longer!" He ব্যক্ত "I wish I didn't have to be so strict আপনি but; আপনি don't listen to me at all anymore!" I ব্যক্ত "you are over exaggerating!" He asked "oh really? When was the last time আপনি made your bed?" I of course didn't answer him because then I would have to own up to it.
He started crying and I ব্যক্ত frustrated "oh my God; I can't believe you're crying again! If আপনি think that going to make me feel bad you're wasting your time!" He shook his head in disbelief and ব্যক্ত "I didn't raise আপনি like this! I want আপনি to be like আপনি used to be! When আপনি were somewhat well behaved; instead of absolutely out-of-control!" I shouted "YOU NEED TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL THAT I'M NOT THAT LITTLE FOUR-YEAR-OLD ANYMORE! I DON'T NEED আপনি ANYMORE!"
We pulled into the driveway and he ব্যক্ত "go upstairs to your room! You're on punishment until further notice!" I slammed the car door and stormed inside. Grace ব্যক্ত "hi আপনি two; how was your day?" I ব্যক্ত as I raced up the stairs with dad following me "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" He looked at Grace and ব্যক্ত "that right there is how our দিন was!" He took Carter from her and ব্যক্ত "I guess I'll be watching him tonight again!"
After he had gotten the baby asleep, he stood in his bedroom doorway and I stood in mine. He calmly asked with tears in his eyes "are আপনি going to apologize?" I ব্যক্ত "no" and slammed my door. Grace had seen everything that just happened and looked at my dad in shock as tears streamed down his face. She ran over to hug him and he asked "why does she do this to me? If only she knew how much it really hurts to have her say that stuff to me! She knows that much I প্রণয় her and she uses that to her advantage!" Grace pulled away from the hug and ব্যক্ত "hang on; I'll be back Michael!"
The পরবর্তি thing I knew, she swung my bedroom door wide open and slammed it shut after she walked in. I sat there texting on my phone completely unfazed দ্বারা the commotion going on directly outside my bedroom door. She walked up to me and ripped the phone out of my hands! I ব্যক্ত "what the hell Grace!!!" She asked "ALANNA MICHAEL JACKSON DO আপনি SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR FATHER? YOU'RE DESTROYING HIM! DO আপনি HEAR HIM CRYING OUT THERE? HE'S LEANING UP AGAINST THE দেওয়াল SITTING DOWN AND CRYING TO THE POINT WHERE HE IS SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY!"
She grabbed me দ্বারা the arm and pressed my ear up against the door. My dad ব্যক্ত while sobbing "I প্রণয় HER SO MUCH! SHE CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER! MY BABY; WHERE DID I GO WRONG? I WISH আপনি WOULD TELL ME SO I COULD FIX IT!!!" Grace looked at me and ব্যক্ত "see; he thinks he's failing আপনি as a father! আপনি can't do that to him AJ! Do আপনি know what he's done for you?" Sit down; I want to প্রদর্শনী আপনি a video!" She pulled out a video tape from my cluttered closet and pressed play as she put it in the VCR:
Dated at the bottom of the screen: August 21, 1996
Grace and I sitting at the টেবিল eating ডিনার when I was two years old. The door opens and Grace asked "who is that AJ?" Dad snuck up behind me and covered my eyes with his hands. Then he lifted them to reveal his face staring at me. I ব্যক্ত "MY DADDY IS HOME!" He picked me up and ব্যক্ত "I missed you!" Grace asked "why don't আপনি প্রদর্শনী daddy what we threw away?" Dad walked up to the trashcan with me in his arms and pressed the lever that lifted the trashcan lid with his foot. He gasped and ব্যক্ত "you don't want your binky anymore!" I ব্যক্ত "no; I'm a big kid!" Grace ব্যক্ত "and in আরো ways than just the pacifiers Michael!" I started giggling and ব্যক্ত "Spiderman, daddy I got Spiderman!" He looked at grace and asked "Spiderman what?" Grace lifted my শার্ট and he ব্যক্ত "oh; আপনি got rid of those diapers for good! আপনি hear that AJ? There's no going back now!" Grace ব্যক্ত "I think you're the one that doesn't want her to grow up! She was আরো than ready to get rid of her baby things!" He started to cry and I asked in broken English "why আপনি cry daddy? আপনি need to be jumpy instead! I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you!"
***
After the video was over those words "I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you" stuck in my head as I heard dad continue to cry in the hallway. Grace ব্যক্ত "you may not want to be his baby; but আপনি always will be to him! I remember when আপনি got back from your trip to Australia like it was yesterday! Sure he was excited that আপনি were having less and less issues with telling him that আপনি needed to go but; he wanted to feel needed! He would deliberately sabotage my efforts to get আপনি to go to the bathroom (laughs). He didn't feel like আপনি were going to need him as much when আপনি started to grow up! He would come in and rescue আপনি from me; which made me look like such a bad guy and আপনি definitely used that to your advantage! আপনি would scream 'daddy I want আপনি in here; not Grace’ because আপনি knew he wouldn't make আপনি sit there… He just doesn't want to let আপনি go; no matter how old আপনি are… No matter what the fight অথবা argument is about! He wants to protect আপনি from everything! He doesn't want আপনি to get hurt! That's why he feels the need to be so strict and let's face it AJ; most of the time আপনি don't use your common sense! He is your common sense; আপনি need your dad আরো than আপনি think আপনি do! When আপনি say things about not needing him; it hurts him আরো than আপনি can ever imagine! He does so much for আপনি and আপনি treat him like dirt on the bottom of your shoe! He's at the end of his rope! He just wants আপনি to behave like he knows আপনি can and আপনি know আপনি can! আপনি just choose not too অথবা আপনি blame everything on your ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder… আপনি use that as an excuse and your dad feels guilty when he punishes you!"
I got up as my guilty conscience was eating me alive and opened up my bedroom door. I looked down at my dad who was sitting on the floor outside my bedroom crying his eyes out. I sat down on the floor পরবর্তি to him and he looked at me and was afraid say anything. I pulled him and for a hug. I ব্যক্ত "I'm sorry dad! I didn't understand why those memories of me when I was that young were so important to you! I'm sorry I swore at আপনি and slammed the door in your face! I want to prove to আপনি that আপনি can trust me! Don't beat yourself up because আপনি are the best father in the world! He wiped his tears and ব্যক্ত "I'm sorry that I'm always talking about when আপনি were really little! That's just all that I have left of that time; I'll never do those types of things again! Blanket is my youngest and he is seven!" I ব্যক্ত "I'm not a baby anymore but; I will always need my daddy!" He kissed me and ব্যক্ত "I accept your apology and I hope to God that we don't have a fight like that again! I ব্যক্ত "now that আপনি are calm; আপনি may want to know that I punched a hole through the দেওয়াল in my bedroom!" Dad ব্যক্ত as he sighed "you'll be patching that up as part of your punishment!" I ব্যক্ত "okay dad; I প্রণয় আপনি and I just want to tell আপনি that I'm sorry again! I know that that was unnecessary and uncalled for!" He ব্যক্ত "I accept your apology again and like I always say, I'll always প্রণয় আপনি আরো than আপনি প্রণয় me!"
June 25, 2009,
I was laying in my room and 1 million thoughts went through my mind. How am I going to প্রদর্শনী dad that he can trust me again? I feel like such a jerk for what happened last night! I've never seen him cry like that! Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever made him cry with anything other than tears of joy! If Grace had not snapped me out of the mood I was in today would start off just as bad as yesterday!
It was about 8 o'clock in the morning and I heard Dr. Murray scream "Alanna, Prince come quick!" Prince ran into my room and ব্যক্ত "there's something really wrong with daddy!" I jolted out of বিছানা and ran down the hall with him. When we got to the master bedroom, Prince and I stood there in shock as we stared at dad lying on the floor while Dr. Murray frantically performed CPR. Prince and I started crying and I hugged him while Paris, Grace, and Blanket started praying.
মিনিট later, the অ্যাম্বুলেন্স had arrived and so had my relatives. Grandma ব্যক্ত while trying to hide her fear and concern "come on children; we're going to the hospital!" I forced back tears the entire ride to the hospital and it felt like we were never going to get there!
All four of us kids walked inside without our masks on and sat in the waiting room while the rest of the family went to go see what was going on. Dad's manager Frank sat with us and we waited for about a half hour. Then a nurse directed us to an empty room with chairs. We all sat down and Prince sat down পরবর্তি to me. We sat there in silence for a few minutes. I looked up at my grandmother without saying anything and she forced out of the words "I'm sorry children but; your father passed away this morning!" Prince, Paris, and Blanket immediately started crying. The সেকেন্ড I heard her say those words, I stormed out of the room and Frank followed me. He shouted "AJ wait!" I ran out the door and sat down on a bench outside the hospital entrance. Frank caught up with me and sat down পরবর্তি to me.
I started crying as Frank looked at me sympathetically. He hugged me as I cried hysterically and asked "is he really dead?" Frank ব্যক্ত "I'm afraid so AJ!" I ব্যক্ত as I shook my head in disbelief "this can't be happening! He can't be gone forever! I need him!" Prince came outside দ্বারা himself and ব্যক্ত "we all just saw dad one আরো time. আপনি should go see him too." I looked at Frank and asked "will আপনি go with me? I don't feel comfortable crying in front of anyone else and I don't want to go in alone!" Frank ব্যক্ত "of course I will kid!" I hugged Prince as he wiped his eyes and we all went back inside the hospital.
Frank walked into the hospital room where my dad's body was with me and I stood over his lifeless body. I started crying and collapsed into a chair. Frank ব্যক্ত "it'll be okay! He's in a better place now!" I ব্যক্ত "it's not okay! It's all my fault!" Frank ব্যক্ত "I don't know why আপনি would think that! In no way at all is this your fault!" I ব্যক্ত "he thought I didn't need him anymore! We got into a huge fight last night and I almost punched him! I scared the crap out of him and made him feel like an awful father! Even though I apologized, I didn't think that that would be the last thing I ever ব্যক্ত to him!" Frank ব্যক্ত "I guarantee আপনি that your dad is looking down at আপনি right now from heaven and he would want to tell আপনি not to blame any of this on yourself because it's not your fault! I promise আপনি it's not your fault! We're going to find out what really happened and get everything straightened out!" I kissed dad's cheek and ব্যক্ত "I প্রণয় আপনি more!!!
I wiped away tears and calmed myself down. Frank ব্যক্ত down পরবর্তি to me and I asked "what happens now?" Frank ব্যক্ত "well; I think you're going to go back to your grandmother's house." I rolled my eyes and ব্যক্ত "I have a feeling that that's not going to last for very long between me and her under the same roof." Frank ব্যক্ত "your dad wanted me to give আপনি something just in case anything ever happened to him" as he pulled and envelope out of his pocket. I looked at him confused as I grabbed it and asked "what is it?" He responded "I honestly don't know. I never looked inside it! I've held onto it since 2007." I opened it up and there was a letter of stapled pieces of paper. I read out loud:
"Dear Alanna,
দ্বারা now আপনি probably know that I have died for some unknown reason. In the event of my death I would like আপনি to have what is inside this envelope. Before আপনি continue on to the পরবর্তি page, there are some final rules and guidelines that আপনি need to follow that go along with what আপনি will see in a minute. The first of which is, in order to take advantage of what is on the পরবর্তি page আপনি must continue your final four years of high school! Next, আপনি must keep yourself from getting in trouble with the law! (Written in a different color ink which probably means he added it years later) lastly, আপনি must continue to play an active role in Carter's life. Which means; আপনি will take every opportunity আপনি have to spend time with him and take two months out of the বছর to spend solely with him! If any of these rules are broken it WILL NOT BE TOLERATED and what is on the পরবর্তি page will be immediately revoked দ্বারা your guardian until আপনি reach the age of 18! Upon আপনি turning 18 it shall be returned to you! I can probably imagine that you've cried a lot of tears today so I'll end this letter with a quote from Spiderman that আপনি will probably laugh at but; try to take it literally because it's true! 'With great power; comes great responsibility!'
Sincerely, daddy
PS. I প্রণয় আপনি আরো :-)"
***
I laughed at the quote and Frank asked "what's on the পরবর্তি page AJ?" I turned the page casually and started to scan it with my eyes. After a few minutes, I whispered "oh my God" and shook my head in disbelief. Frank asked "what is it?" I asked myself "is he serious? He can't be serious!!!" Frank asked again "WHAT IS IT?" I read it out loud "MJJ records: recording contract!" Frank stood up and looked over my shoulder. He ব্যক্ত "it looks like your dad wanted আপনি signed as an official artist to his record label and it says right here that he appointed me as your manager!" I started crying again and Frank ব্যক্ত "he signed the bottom of the paper saying that it is okay for আপনি to be signed because আপনি are a minor. All আপনি need to is sign your name and initial here!" I signed my name with the pen he passed me and he ব্যক্ত "welcome to MJJ records kid!" I ব্যক্ত "I can't believe my dream is coming true! I'm going to be a famous celebrity like my dad!"
July 7, 2009,
I was sitting at the breakfast টেবিল eating cereal in Havenhurst and my grandmother sat down পরবর্তি to me. She asked "are আপনি okay AJ? আপনি haven't talked about what happened to your dad since we left the hospital." I got up to throw my bowl in the sink and ব্যক্ত "I don't want to talk about it." She looked at me emotionless and I took Carter out of his high chair.
I got dressed in a female suit with pants and all of us gathered in the living room. I looked at my aunts and uncles as I held my almost 8-month-old son in my arms. Uncle Randy ব্যক্ত "I don't know what we're going to do about this whole car situation and getting to the memorial service. Mother needs to go with us which leaves Alanna, Prince, Paris, and Blanket having to go in the other car. AJ do আপনি have your license yet অথবা just your permit?" I ব্যক্ত "just my permit; why?" He ব্যক্ত as he looked at my grandmother "well; do আপনি think আপনি could get to the Staples center where the memorial is দ্বারা yourself without getting pulled over?"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They're basically asking me to do something illegal! I thought about it for a few মিনিট and ব্যক্ত "yeah; I think I can do that! Just as long as আপনি take the baby in your car because I don't feel comfortable driving without an adult with Carter in the car. I'm fine taking Blanket, Prince, and Paris with me though."
They agreed and uncle Jermaine tossed me his car keys. I walked out to the car with my siblings. I noticed that my dog পাতিহাঁস was still outside and turned back to let him in the house. Blanket and Paris sat in the back আসন while Prince sat পরবর্তি to me in the passenger seat. I asked "are আপনি guys buckled up?" They shook their heads in agreement and Prince turned the radio on. I asked "can আপনি at least wait until we get out of the driveway? আপনি have to remember that this is the first time I'll be driving without an adult in the car and I don't want to mess up!"
I looked over my shoulder as I pulled out of the driveway and uncle Randy rolled his car window down to talk to me before we officially leave. He ব্যক্ত "you got this; just pay attention to stop lights and signs. The GPS is already preset with address to both the Staples center and Forrest Lawn Cemetery where the private funeral will be. Whatever আপনি do, don't get pulled over AJ!" I took a deep breath and ব্যক্ত "I won't." He rolled his window up and drove off with my other relatives in the car with him.
I drove down the রাস্তা and turned the GPS on. The automated voice started spitting out directions faster than I can understand her. I asked Prince as we pulled up to an intersection "is there a rewind button on that thing?" He picked the GPS up and ব্যক্ত "I don't see one." I ব্যক্ত "that's just great! I think we're lost!" Prince ব্যক্ত "just ask for directions!" I ব্যক্ত "I can't because someone will know that I'm not supposed me driving without and adult in the car." Prince ব্যক্ত "I didn't even notice that that's Uncle Randy's car in front of us!" I passed him my cell phone and ব্যক্ত "text him and tell him that the GPS is being stupid! Tell him to go straight to the Staples center because were following him." Prince started tapping on the keyboard and Aunt Janet gave me a thumbs up from the back আসন of his car.
I took a sigh of relief as I drove through the entrance of the Staples center and the four of us got out of the car. My relatives walked up to us in a group and grandma passed me Carter who had fallen asleep in her arms. Then uncle Marlon passed me a white bracelet and ব্যক্ত "that's your pass to the reserve seating area were all of us will be; don't lose it!"
Five মিনিট before the ceremony ended, Paris walked on the stage and ব্যক্ত "I just wanted to say that my daddy was the best father আপনি could ever imagine and I just প্রণয় him so much!" I was so proud of my sister because I wouldn't have been able to be that brave. I'm still not used to the idea of my dad being gone অথবা living with my grandmother. On শীর্ষ of all of that, I still have to be a mother to Carter and that only makes me miss my dad more. I feel like I don't belong here, I don't fit in at my grandmother's house! I wonder how long this is going to last!
July 14, 2009,
I was sitting in my grandmother's living room after putting Carter down for a nap and watching TV. I wasn't really watching it though; I was just staring at it thinking about my dad. Grandma walked up to me and sat down. She ব্যক্ত "it's okay to be sad AJ! I haven't seen আপনি cry at all!" I looked at her and ব্যক্ত "that's because I'm not a crier grandma!" She ব্যক্ত "so আপনি just going to walk around here every দিন all depressed like this!" I ব্যক্ত "I'm not talking about this anymore!" I ran up to my new room and sat down on the bed. I looked at the picture of dad and I when I was 11 years old and put the picture frame facing down so I didn't have to look at it. I started crying and ব্যক্ত "I don't know how I'm going to do this! I just want my dad back! I wish everyone would stop asking me how I'm feeling! How do আপনি think I'm feeling? My dad just died!"
Blanket came into my room as I quickly tried to hide the fact that I have been crying. He ব্যক্ত as he started to cry "I want daddy to come back too!" He sat down on the বিছানা and I put my arm around him. Blanket ব্যক্ত "I don't really want to live here AJ!" I ব্যক্ত "I don't either buddy but; we have to try and make the best of it!" He asked "why did he have to leave us so soon?" I paused searching for an appropriate answer to give a seven-year-old and ব্যক্ত "I don't know buddy; I guess it was just time for God to take him to heaven." He ব্যক্ত "I heard that আপনি going to be a singer just like daddy! Are আপনি going to leave us here if আপনি have to go travel somewhere?" I ব্যক্ত "yeah; but I will always be with আপনি in your heart! I will call আপনি all the time when I'm away! I promise that if আপনি ever need me for anything important; I'll be there!"
August 3, 2009,
Frank texted me a few মিনিট পূর্বে and ব্যক্ত he wants to have a meeting with me about launching my career. Once he arrived, I let him inside and we went into the spare living room. He ব্যক্ত "we have to create your image!" I looked at him confused and asked "what do আপনি mean?" He ব্যক্ত "a certain style অথবা way that আপনি carry yourself that people will remember আপনি for. আরো importantly something that your future অনুরাগী base will remember আপনি for!" I ব্যক্ত "oh; now I get it!" He ব্যক্ত "it's been a long time since I've started the career of an artist from the ground up. What are kids and teens into these days?" I ব্যক্ত "everything pretty much has to do with social media sites like Twitter, Facebook, and sometimes MySpace!" He ব্যক্ত "from what I can see with other teenage celebrities, setting up a Twitter account before আপনি actually get in the studio will make people wonder what you're up to. Just having Michael Jackson as your father will help আপনি gain অনুরাগী without even doing anything."
I grabbed my laptop and sat back down on the couch. I asked "so what you're saying is that আপনি think I should make a Twitter account?" He ব্যক্ত "yeah; just make your ব্যবহারকারী নাম direct and to the point. I'll make sure that it becomes a verified account for you." I typed on my keyboard under the ব্যবহারকারী নাম section in create an account: @officialAlannaJackson. I asked "what should I send as my first tweet?" He ব্যক্ত "something that hints to what you're doing অথবা planning to do but; will leave people wondering." I thought about it for a মিনিট and then typed @officialAlannaJackson: be prepared for what's coming your way!
I asked "what's next?" He ব্যক্ত "we work on your sense of style!" I ব্যক্ত "what are আপনি talking about? I have a great sense of style!" He ব্যক্ত "I think we should change your hair style because it's the exact same thing as that Bieber kids except yours is blonde. Come on we're going to the hairdresser."
I walked into the bathroom and Frank could hear the buzzcutter running. He stormed in and asked "what do আপনি think you're doing?" I stood there as I shaved my head back to the fauxhawk that I had a couple years back. He ব্যক্ত "I can't believe আপনি just did that without even asking me!" I ব্যক্ত "listen, it's my head and I'm not just going to walk around with whatever hairstyle আপনি want me to have. That me being how the rest of Hollywood works but; I'm not doing this for Hollywood, I'm doing it for me! I'm going to wear my usual baggy jeans and sports jerseys because that's what I like. I understand why আপনি wanted me to cut my hair but; I'm not going to just conform to what society wants me to be because I'm my own person!" Frank just looked at me stunned and ব্যক্ত "fair enough."
August 5, 2009,
I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my dad not being alive anymore. It still doesn't feel like he's gone! It just feels like he's on vacation and that he will be back soon… Even though I know that's not going to happen! It's definitely one of those times when আপনি can say "you don't know what you've got until it's gone!"
Having Carter helps me get my mind off of things. He's changed so much already since he has been born. He has the most amazing smile and I can't wait until his teeth grow in because it will be even better! I don't have time to be sad about my dad because I have to take care of my son. That's what my relatives don't understand! It's almost like they want me to fall to my knees and beg for my dad to be back! It's like they think that I don't care! If only they were me they would know how I feel! I miss my dad so much and this is still all so new to me
***
All of us were in the backyard watching Prince and my cousin Jafar playing badminton. Carter was sitting in his bouncy saucer and my grandmother asked "will আপনি please talk to me about how you're feeling when it comes to your father? I ব্যক্ত "I don't want to; what part of that don't আপনি understand?" She ব্যক্ত "please don't talk to me like that AJ!" I picked Carter up and went inside to my room.
After a few minutes, grandma came in and sat down on my bed. I took one look at her and started crying. She hugged me and ব্যক্ত "I was waiting for this to happen. It's okay; you're going to get through this!" I ব্যক্ত "this is so hard! I just want dad back! I'm not used to sharing a house with so many people!" She ব্যক্ত "just think about it; আপনি probably won't be here that much when আপনি start working on your musical career! Plus having so many family members means that Carter will definitely be loved when you're gone!" I worry how all this will play out.