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যেভাবে খুশী প্রশ্ন

How's my story so far?

The plot is a 8 বছর old girl is possessed দ্বারা a demon-vampire, and the whole story is from her 20 বছর old sister's POV. Here's some of it. Hope this doesn't sounds like a weird plot :\


I walked down the রাস্তা only to find my পছন্দ breakfast bar infront of me.
I opend the door and walked in as the bells chimed as they hit the glass. I
looked around to see if Rosie was here, but it turns out, she wasn't. I
guess she doesn't work on Wensdays. I walked to the front counter and sat
down on one of those high chairs that spin. The velvet color reminded me of
the dress my sister wore to her সেকেন্ড grade সঙ্গীতানুষ্ঠান in December. She is
starting 3rd grade soon, and she's scared. Going to a new school must be
hard for a kid her age. And those nasty 5th graders. In my school, we were
separated from the kids in the higher grades. Even the buses were divided
into garde levels. And we had to wear uniforms. If আপনি were in 3rd grade,
আপনি would wear purple, 4th grade, green, and 5th grade, blue. I remember I
got হারিয়ে গেছে the first day, and a teacher lectured me on how I wasn't paying
attention, but I didn't care. The woman had no kids, so she didn't know
what it feels like to get হারিয়ে গেছে at such a young age especially when a kid
comes প্রথমপাতা and starts kicking the dust screamin at the wind at how stupid
some people were for tratin children like that. I had sat on my tire
দোল that দিন thinking about how my life was going to end up.
*
Some spelling errors but I'll fix em later
chillyneon posted বছরখানেক আগে
 chillyneon posted বছরখানেক আগে
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যেভাবে খুশী উত্তর

trainofdoom82 said:
Woah woah woah woah! Three sentences in and I just can't.

Never EVER start আরো than 3 sentences in a paragraph with the word 'I'. I know this is written in first person but try to work around that. It reads terrible. Some of the diction is...awkward.

" I walked down the রাস্তা only to find my পছন্দ breakfast bar infront of me "

How about. " As I aimlessly walked down the রাস্তা with unhurried steps I found myself in front of my পছন্দ breakfast bar as if my feet unconsciously knew exactly what I needed at the moment"


But I mean...there's no opening. No exposition. What the hell is even going on?

Stuff is jumping around all over the place...


IS SHE GOING TO GET BREAKFAST অথবা HAVING A FLASHBACK OF HER WHOLE LIFE?!
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posted বছরখানেক আগে 
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Sorry 0___0
chillyneon posted বছরখানেক আগে
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I'm very passionate about writing. Sorry if I come off a little strong. Uhm. Do আপনি mind if I do a rewrite of your story and প্রদর্শনী আপনি some ways to improve?
trainofdoom82 posted বছরখানেক আগে
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kk
chillyneon posted বছরখানেক আগে
flabaloobalah said:
good so far. and im interested as well.
*treatin'
good luck, and i will read it. may the pencil be ever in your favor!
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 good so far. and im interested as well. *treatin' good luck, and i will read it. may the pencil be ever in your favor!
posted বছরখানেক আগে 
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Thanks. And there are some spelling mistakes ;\
chillyneon posted বছরখানেক আগে
XxKeithHarkinxX said:
Well,

আপনি need to vary the sentence beginning. Don't start sentences with "and"

It's kind of lacks depth, ti didn't really catch my interest.

it's honestly not that great.
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posted বছরখানেক আগে 
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Okay.
chillyneon posted বছরখানেক আগে
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Everyone has a different interest.
chillyneon posted বছরখানেক আগে
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Yeahh,,, but a good story catches everyones eye. just sayin' (and my moms a writer btw so she taught me all this shit
XxKeithHarkinxX posted বছরখানেক আগে
*
XD. I am going to সম্পাদনা it soon, so it'll look better with a better vocabulary.
chillyneon posted বছরখানেক আগে
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