1. If a boy is aloof, stand-offish, ignores আপনি অথবা is just plain rude, it is because he is secretly in প্রণয় with আপনি — and আপনি are the point of his existence.
2. Secrets are good — especially life-threatening ones.
3. It’s OK for a potential romantic interest to be dimwitted, violent and vengeful — as long as he has great abs.
4. If a boy tells আপনি to stay away from him because he is dangerous and may even kill you, he must be the প্রণয় of your life. আপনি should stay with him since he will keep আপনি নিরাপদ forever.
5. If a boy leaves you, especially suddenly (while telling আপনি he will never see আপনি again), it is because he loves আপনি so much he will suffer just to keep আপনি safe.
6. When a boy leaves you, going into shock, losing all your বন্ধু and enduring night terrors are completely acceptable occurrences — as long as আপনি keep your grades up.
7. It is extremely romantic to put yourself in dangerous situations in order to see your ex-boyfriend again. It’s even আরো romantic to remember the sound of his voice when he yelled at you.
8. Boys who leave আপনি always come back.
9. Because they come back, আপনি should hold out, waiting for them for months, even when completely acceptable and less-abusive alternative males present themselves.
10. Even though আপনি have no intention of dating an alternative male who expresses interest in you, it is fine to string the young man along for months. Also, আপনি should use him to fix things for you. Maybe he’ll even buy আপনি something.
11. আপনি should use ব্যক্ত male to fix things because girls are incapable of anything mechanical অথবা technical.
12. Lying to your parents is fine. Lying to your parents while আপনি run away to save your suicidal boyfriend is an extremely good idea that shows your strength and maturity. Also, it is what আপনি must do.
13. Car theft in the service of প্রণয় is acceptable.
14. If the boy আপনি are in প্রণয় with causes আপনি (even indirectly) to be so badly beaten আপনি end up in the hospital, আপনি should tell the doctors and your family that আপনি “fell down the steps” because আপনি are such a silly, clumsy girl. That false explanation always works well for abused women.
15. Men can be changed for the better if আপনি sacrifice everything আপনি are and devote yourself to their need for change.
16. Young women should make no effort to improve their social skills অথবা emotional state. Instead, they should seek out potential mates that share their morose deficiencies and emotional illnesses.
17. Girls shouldn’t always read a book series just because everyone else has.
18. When লেখা a book series, it’s acceptable to lift seminal উৎস material and bastardize it with tired, overwrought teenage angst.
19. When making অথবা watching a major feature film, আপনি should gleefully embrace the 20 মিনিট of plot it provides in between extended segments of vacant-eyed silence and self-indulgent, moaning banter.
20. ভ্যাম্পায়ার — once among the great villains of literature and motion pictures — are no longer scary. In fact, they’re every bit as whiny, self-absorbed and impotent as any human being.