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'How Chicken Is Played At Hogwarts' দ্বারা sor_bet
'How Chicken Is Played At Hogwarts' দ্বারা sor_bet
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দাখিল হয়েছে
দ্বারা 
Liepe
বছরখানেক আগে
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I remember visiting this website once...
It was called Welcome to the DOL House - HP fic: "How Chicken Is Played At Hogwarts" -- rating: R?
Here's some stuff I remembered seeing:
HP fic: "How Chicken Is Played At Hogwarts" -- rating: R?
Summary: Draco impugns Harry’s masculinity. A game of gay “chicken” ensues. (For those who don’t know how “chicken” is played, traditionally, it is two cars driving towards each other at high speed. Whoever swerves first to avoid crashing is the chicken.)
Rating: hard R? – stuff happens, but more or less offscreen.
Warning: OOC, fanon, crack. Excessive use of dashes and ellipses.
A/N: Inspired by something in “Precious Illusions”, by Kat Reitz and Tzigane (can be found at Walking The Plank), which then made my mind jump to part of an episode of the TV show "Scrubs". Written entirely in dialogue in homage to Shalott’s fic “A Weather of the Heart.” Thanks to
tyopsqueene for Britglish advice, and huge, huge thanks go to my beta,
summerborn, who found mistakes, made great suggestions, helped with things I was stuck on, and laughed at all the right parts. Any remaining errors are things I changed after she sent it back.
“…and as we have more gentlemen than ladies today, some of you boys will have to pair up to practice the waltz. Potter, you’re with Malfoy.”
“You two are the best match for size. Longbottom, wait, no one else has learned that step yet; you’ll just confuse them.”
“Well, Potter, you heard her. Shall we?”
“Unlike you, Potter, I’m secure in my sexuality, so—”
“Think whatever you like. I’m not the one who’s afraid of being labelled ‘gay’.”
“Big, brave Potter, Gryffindor golden boy, defeater of the Dark Lord, and he’s whinging that people will think he’s a ponce.”
“I’m not whinging. I couldn’t care less what people think.”
“Really. So it would be no big deal if the whole school thought you were queer?”
“They’ve thought worse of me, and I’ve always got through it, so no, I wouldn’t give a fuck what they thought.”
“As your date. Yeah, just like I thought. You don’t have the bollocks."
“I don’t have the bollocks? You’re mad! You wouldn’t have the bollocks to accept if I asked you!”
“You think I’m such a coward, don’t you, Potter, just because I think before I act.”
“All right, then, if you’re so brave....Draco Malfoy, please do me the honour of accompanying me to the Leaving Ball. As. My. Date.”
“Oh, I’m so impressed. As if you’ll really follow through with it.”
“Oh yeah? I’ll pick you up outside your common room at six o’clock sharp, June 29th. If you’re not hiding under your bed.”
“And when I show up at the Leaving Ball alone, I’ll get to tell everyone that Harry Potter is a big, lying, coward.”
“Just be ready at six, Malfoy. What colour are your dress robes?”
“So I can pick out flowers that won’t clash. Flowers that you’ll accept. Unless you’re too much of a wuss to show up.”
“I’ll be there, in my black dress robes. You’re the one who’ll be fleeing as fast as his Firebolt will take him.”
“Potter. I didn’t think you’d actually show.”
“I said I would. But you’re free to back out anytime.”
“Not so fast. Here are those flowers I promised. Please. Allow me put one in your buttonhole.”
“Wow, Malfoy, have you been practicing a lot of Quidditch recently?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did that bother you? Just wanted to fix your robes. But if it was too gay, if you feel uncomfortable, we can call this off right now.”
“...You can hold on tighter than that, Malfoy.”
“I didn’t want to hurt your delicate, girlish arm. How’s this?”
“So an arm’s okay, but bodily contact makes you nervous? Ready to quit?”
“No. I’m ready to go to the ball. Come on.”
“Aren’t you going to ask me to dance, Potter? This is a dance, after all, and you did invite me.”
“No, you’re too afraid to be seen touching a boy.”
“Perfect. Right where everyone can see us....What’s the matter, Potter, don’t you like to dance?”
“It looks more like ‘writhing’ to me.”
“No, it doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, I’d like you to teach me.”
“Uh huh. Okay, move your hips like this—”
“No, you stepped on my foot is all. I’d be happy to show you how to dance. Here, move your hips with mine, just...like...this.”
“No. Like this? What if I put my hands here?”
“It’s ‘Professor Snape’ for one more day, Potter. And I don’t believe that is the kind of dancing Professor McGonagall taught you in class.”
“I tried to stop him, Professor, but he insisted on molesting me, and—”
“Enough, Draco. Potter, do you have anything to say?”
“That is not what I meant! Twenty points from Gryffindor, and you will both go outside and cool off. You may return if you can behave yourselves.”
“Yes, Potter, let’s take a walk in the gardens. The moonlight will be so romantic.”
“Well, Potter, aren’t you going to snog me?”
“That’s what you do in the gardens during a Ball. Unless you’re too scared.”
“You call that a snog, Potter? Let me show you how it’s done. I pull you close, run my fingers through your hair....Huh. It’s soft.”
“Malfoy, quit playing with my hair. What are you waiting for?”
“...I’m not that impressed, actually. Afraid to give it a little tongue?”
“...Malfoy. You’re jabbing me with your wand.”
“Don’t act so shocked, Potter. You’re jabbing me with your ‘wand’, too.”
“Okay, you’re horrified; that means I win!”
“No, it doesn’t! And, and, and I’m not horrified. In fact, I’m starting to like this. Er, yeah. Come on, let’s keep going.”
“You don’t...you can’t....No. There’s no way you’ll finish this.”
“Not bloody likely. But I don’t know where we could go to, er, for privacy.”
“Please. I’m willing to go further than you are.”
“That’s shite. You’re going to run away any second now. Especially when I do...this.”
“Oh yeah? Two can play at that game. Oh.”
“If you think that’s going to scare me off—”
“I know it’s so much bigger than you’re used to....”
“You have no idea what my limits are, Malfoy.”
“Maybe; maybe not. Look, Malfoy, just admit defeat, and you can leave with your dignity almost intact.”
“You’ll be on your knees, begging me to stop, in about three seconds.”
“Why? What happens—oh! You’re, that’s, oh, god!”
“For fuck’s sake, Potter, don’t stop!”
“I said, ‘See, I win’! I went the final step, I didn’t back down from doing the gayest thing ever, so I win.”
“Must’ve read about it somewhere. And what do you mean, ‘no’?”
“I mean, there are still way gayer things than that.”
“No, er, I mean, it looks hard to do. And where’d you learn to do that, anyway?”
“Must’ve read about it somewhere. And it would be easier for you to do to me, but you won’t.”
“It’s way too gay for you. Mmm. So toddle on home, loser, and I’ll just, unh, finish up here.”
“All right, then. Anytime now....Right. I knew you wouldn’t be able to, oh, fuck, Potter!”
“Oh, I don’t want to. But this must be so uncomfortable for you.”
“Only because you’re using your bony fingers instead of your dick. But that’s all right, you’ll never actually put that in.”
“Mm. Oh! God, Malfoy, did we just....Erm. We just had sex. Gay sex.”
“You were probably pretending I was a girl the whole time.”
“Excuse me, I was jerking you off. So, no, not pretending that you were a girl.”
“Okay, you may have a point....So I’ll admit that I’m impressed. You Gryffindors don’t back down from a challenge.”
“Well, you didn’t either. And all this time I thought Slytherins were just sneaky and cunning.”
AHH! That was excellent! Oh, I love Draco\'s last line, that was incredible!
love the mental image of Harry and Draco \'writhing\' on the dance floor, and Snape breaking them up.
Thanks! It was originally going to be McGonagall, but then I figured it would be funnier if it were Snape, and I wanted to get him in there somewhere. Glad you liked it!
Glad you liked it, and nice icon! *fans self*
Now that was truly, utterly awesome. Amazing how funny and hot just dialog can be.
Thanks! This fic was meant to be funnier more than anything, but what amazes me (so much so that I have to keep reading it) is how HOT Shalott\'s fic is, and it\'s nearly all dialogue. Seriously, I don\'t know how so few words can be so...interesting.
Great job with the only-dialogue style. Very funny.
Glad you liked it! And great icon!! I thought it was Betty Boop at first, so it\'s even funnier now.
LOL... that was awesome. and the thought that snape broke that up is just too much. LOL
very good story, i loved the only dialogue thing.
Thanks! Yes, I decided that Snape needed to be in there somewhere. Glad you liked it, and I love your icon, rowr!!
Rated C for CRACK! That was pure crack! I am dying over here! Sooooo funny!
LOL.. I love how they did everything they didn\'t want to (until they
wanted to) just to show each other up. Especially in the room of requirement, where no one was there to see any of it. ;]
Heh. Yes, neither one would swerve first. I think my original idea was that neither *wanted* to do any of that stuff, but neither wanted to be the chicken, and then it got out of hand. But somehow it worked around to the ending that it has. And I kind of wonder what the aftermath will be: will Harry be furious at Draco? Will they fight, or will they keep going? I really have no idea.
I liked that Shalott ended with the two attempting to make something real out of the situation.. I just love a Harry/Draco kiss, and how they saved it for last like it was the most sacred thing. Oh yummm.
Aww. Gay chicken is the best game ever! I love that it\'s all in dialog, that\'s so fun and it leaves a lot of details to the imagination. Hmm.
About the dialogue, I know exactly what you mean, and yet I could see things as clearly in my mind as if they were spelled out for me. That\'s great writing.
Heh. When I first heard of it on that episode of Scrubs, I think I nearly died laughing.
Thanks for the great comments! It was actually really fun writing it, trying to make everything "visible" without actually *describing* anything. Glad it worked for you!
I love that it\'s all dialog and still manages to give such wonderful images.
I wonder how long it took Snape to convince himself that he actually had to break them up, I can just hear it: "Well, it\'s not so bad, maybe they\'ll stop, maybe, WHOA, HANDS IN BAD PLACES!". lol.
I\'m sure Snape was watching and waiting for the opportunity to pounce. :-D Oh, no, now you\'ve bunnied me for a companion piece to this fic......
Thanks so much for the great comments! I\'m glad people are finding it funny!
It\'s so amazing how the entire thing was dialogue yet it still worked so well, and the imagery was excellent also!
Hehe, i\'ve never heard of \'chicken\' before, but \'drarry!chicken\' is definitley something that needs to be played more often, hehe!
Okay, good, I\'m glad I included an explanation, then. :-) Glad you liked it, and thanks for the great comments!
This is just too funny! My face hurts from grinning so hugely!
Did I forget to comment and tell you how much I liked this story? Well, maybe you knew already :D
Actually, I also wanted to tell you I recced it on an RPG where they want to keep things to dialogue, as a sort of example, and it was very well received. Just in case none of them leave reviews.
This is the BEST! What Draco doesnt know is that Harry was almost sorted into Slytherin and that this is a win-win situation ;) This made my day :D
How did I miss this comment? Sorry about that!
Heh. I love Slytherin!Harry, and yet I\'d forgotten all about that when I wrote this fic. So glad you liked it! Thanks for the great comments!
No worries! This gave me a chance to come back to the story and notice that you had them shag on my birthday :)
That was great! Not easy to do dialogue only and this was just perfect-and hot-and hilarious:) Excellent fic!
Hee! Thanks! Wow, this is an oldie, I\'d almost forgotten about it! Which makes it all the more fun to see that people are still reading it. Thanks for the lovely comment, so glad you enjoyed it! And I\'m especially happy that you found it hot AND hilarious -- those are my favorite kinds of fics! :-D
OMG, I am in love with this fic! It should have a billion comments; it is that awesomesauce! Thank you!
Thank you so much! It\'s wonderful to get new comments on a fic that\'s so old, the term "awesomesauce" hadn\'t even been invented when I wrote it. :D Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks again for commenting!
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(For those who don’t know how “chicken” is played, traditionally, it is two cars driving towards each other at high speed. Whoever swerves first to avoid crashing is the chicken.)
MATURE CONTENT, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! A funny dialogue fic. What can I say, I'm in the mood for smiles. Enjoy!
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