"I like taking pointless ফেসবুক surveys as much as the পরবর্তি person. But, since they’re mostly about kissing, I started to wonder how someone completely incapable of feeling প্রণয় might handle such things. So I just had to tag my good pal Lord Voldemort in my most সাম্প্রতিক survey. Here's what he had to say:
Was your last চুম্বন standing up, sitting down, অথবা lying down?
The only চুম্বন I believe in is the Dementor's kiss, and as I have very little soul remaining in my withered husk of a body, one would have little effect on me.
Whose বিছানা were আপনি on last?
Nagini's, playing "Dangle the Severed Hand Over The Snake And Jerk It Away Just As She Strikes." It helps her go to sleep. I also sang her favourite Parseltongue lullaby, "SSSSSssSSSSSSSSSssSSS."
When's the last time someone of the opposite sex told আপনি they missed you?
When I returned to the chamber of secrets in the form of a blurry memory, my beloved basilisk converged on me with her usual deadly stare and demanded to know why I'd missed fifty of our anniversaries in a row. I gently explained that we were not in a "relationship," just a mutual killing partnership with benefits.
Are আপনি excited for anything?
FOR THE IMMINENT DEATH OF HARRY POTTER AND MY EVENTUAL DOMINATION OF THE ENTIRE PLANET.
I'm also looking অগ্রবর্তী to the release of the new Josh Groban holiday album. Just five আরো months till Christmas!
Do আপনি hate the last person আপনি kissed?
I hate everyone, but I've never kissed anyone. So, no. Paradox city!
Have আপনি ever been cheated on?
I'm not entirely sure about Severus Snape. He claims to be a faithful servant, yet I have stalked his ফেসবুক পরিলেখ for quite some time, and several of his song lyric status নবীকৃত তথ্য don't seem to refer to me. Very curious...
If আপনি married the last person আপনি texted, what would your last name be?
Pettigrew... excuse me while I vomit up several feet of my intestines...
Do আপনি like to have long hair অথবা short hair?
Hair is such a nuisance. I really don't see the point. Do snakes have hair? Cockroaches? Bacteria? NO! (Flagella and cilia DO NOT COUNT.) Why, then, should Lord Voldemort? It's simply strands of dead nutrients hanging limply off one's head! Though I admit I sort of like the sound of that.
What is your পছন্দ বড়দিন carol?
It goes something like, "Joy to the world, Harry Potter's dead! Dark Lord cut off his head! What happened to the body? We flushed it down the potty! And round and round it goes! And round and round it goes! And it got flushed into the chamber of secrets and the basilisk ate it, the end!" It's sung দ্বারা Josh Groban.
Do আপনি hate anyone?
Everyone except myself, Nagini, and the Grobester.
Have আপনি ever told someone আপনি loved them and meant it?
Of course not! What, do আপনি live under a rock অথবা something?
Do আপনি believe everyone deserves a সেকেন্ড chance?
I don't even believe in a first chance. Kill them and then ask questions, and if they don't answer, dismember the corpse, that's what I always say. I also have it needlepointed onto a pillow.
Do আপনি like being kissed spontaneously, অথবা asked first?
It doesn't matter, I would murder the perpetrator before the mucus membranes of our mouths made even the slightest contact.
Has anything made আপনি mad lately?
I was filled with UNEARTHLY FURY to discover that Potter slipped through my unnervingly long and spindly fingers once again! I crushed a house elf's head to a pulp with my bare hands. Then I impaled an underperforming Death Eater on a spit and served him to Nagini in a gyro... but since I was so mad, I didn't give her any tzatziki sauce with it.
Do আপনি think আপনি can last in a relationship for 6 months অথবা more?
I could, but whoever I was in the relationship with wouldn't last আরো than three seconds. They'd be too dead.
The last person আপনি kissed, how many times have আপনি cried in front of them?
...Do আপনি even know me at all?
What's the first thing আপনি do when you're mad?
Rip the spines out of people's backs.
Three hours ago, were আপনি touching a person of the opposite sex?
Yes, I pressed my finger deeply into Bellatrix's Dark Mark to summon my servants to a meeting. I understand she blushed.
Did আপনি hug anyone today?
No, but Nagini squeezed the life out of several people with her constricting powers. Good girl."
