How could I সরানো on from you? How could I ever forget what আপনি felt like and how আপনি tasted? How could I forget the touch that sent waves of passion through my being? All those nights that I sank so deep inside আপনি and felt the explosions from your body were etched inside my brain and my heart.
I tried to avoid these feelings, to numb them, to fill every moment with something, hoping and waiting for the দিন that I would open my eyes from a night of self medicating, and the pain would be gone. That morning had not come. I had tried to resolve things with “you” to go back to the start. I wanted desperately to let আপনি go and to সরানো অগ্রবর্তী but when that moment came and I felt আপনি slipping away it overwhelmed me and the desperation overtook me. If I let go I will never feel this again. আপনি make me alive.
For years I had wanted you. I had waited because I didn’t think it would work. What did I do that had been so bad that আপনি were leaving me? Wilson, years prior, had told me I was afraid to change. “I didn’t like myself but I did admire myself.” I had taken the words to heart. I had a gift but if it meant choosing between that gift and Cuddy my choice was Cuddy.
I still remember আপনি kneeling at my side and coming to my rescue. I remember how your lips tasted and your body felt. I remember with each জামা I removed how it revealed just one আরো part of আপনি that I wanted to claim as my own. I remember every night that I held you. Every night I made প্রণয় to you. How আপনি felt and how I felt inside you. আপনি belong to me. আপনি were made for me.
আপনি wanted me to talk but it was so we could সরানো on. I avoided আপনি for that very reason. আপনি ব্যক্ত আপনি wanted to know how I felt. Everyone had ব্যক্ত that but they never meant it. They really just wanted me to accept the truth, come to terms with reality and deal with it. They wanted to silence me but never really deal with my feelings. What আপনি wanted was to leave me behind.
When I told আপনি I felt hurt I was so close to telling আপনি that I didn’t know how to সরানো on. I don’t know how to let আপনি go. Please tell me what I did. But I told আপনি that it wasn’t your fault. I couldn’t stop the pain.
I saw আপনি through the window with your hand on his arm and smiling. That was supposed to be us and it was supposed to be me that আপনি were smiling at and that your hand was resting on. Why couldn’t আপনি প্রণয় me? Those words coursed through my mind replaying itself like a bad record.
I stood there with the brush in my hand and the হৃদয় that had been breaking inside me was finally crushed into a million pieces. As I walked back I realized I had held আপনি for the last time. Everyone that I had ever loved had left. But I was able to সরানো on. It was true I needed আপনি but I was really learning how to love. I had fallen in প্রণয় with you. I tried to tell Wilson and আপনি but আপনি both wanted me to pick up the pieces and go on. I didn’t know how.
I came to your house to make peace and to see if we could leave the door open and try to work things out. I wanted to listen to আপনি and see what আপনি needed and what আপনি wanted from a man. I wanted to be that man for you. When I saw আপনি had moved on I couldn’t imagine him touching আপনি and holding you. I ……………………
As I returned to the car I saw Wilson. He had tried to help me work out my problems and to deal with my anger. I was about to do that. I was about to solve all my problems and put an end to all questions. If I couldn’t get উত্তর I would make up my own. I bowed my head just a bit and urged Wilson to get out of the car. Even to the last moment he was trying to get me to talk. I pulled the door shut and pushed the pedal to the floor. I don’t know why I couldn’t just drive away and give it time.
I miss আপনি Cuddy and I প্রণয় you. I can’t walk away so I will do something that is so totally unforgivable that going back will never be an option. If আপনি hate me then maybe I can learn to hate you. I rather আপনি hate me than pity me. I do not want your pity. I sit there staring at your house for a moment and then when I knew আপনি had enough time to be in the other room I crushed the gas pedal and I saw Wilson fall, “I hope he got out of the way” and I smashed through your dining room.
I looked into your eyes and all I saw was fear. I would never hurt আপনি অথবা maybe that is all I ever knew how to do. আপনি were shaking and I still wanted to hold আপনি but I knew আপনি would never let me near আপনি again.
