Chapter 1

It was 1994; just a few months after my father settled the Jordan chandler case. My dad was sitting in a rocking chair with me in his arms. I was born a few weeks পূর্বে and Dad is already used to having me around. My nursery is adorned with animal দেওয়াল stickers and jungle bedding.

Dad got up and put me in my crib. He left the room and walked into the kitchen. The phone rang and he ব্যক্ত “hello?” It was my grandmother and she was calling to see if she could come over for a visit. Dad ব্যক্ত “yes; I will make some চা mother!!!” He hung up the phone and put a চা kettle on the stove. About fifteen মিনিট later there was a knock on the front door; Dad let her in and they sat at the রান্নাঘর table. He poured her some চা and ব্যক্ত “I have been missing আপনি very much mother!!!” she smiled and asked “how is the baby doing?” I began to cry and he brought me into the kitchen. He ব্যক্ত “she is doing well; she keeps me up most of the night.” She wiped off her glasses and asked “have আপনি seen Debbie since Alanna was born. He ব্যক্ত “no, but that is for the best.” She raised her eye brows and asked “are আপনি sure that আপনি can raise her দ্বারা yourself?” He ব্যক্ত “yes; plus I can get help from the nanny if I need it!!!” she said” what are আপনি planning to tell her one দিন when she asks আপনি where her mommy is; I have faith in আপনি though Michael!!!” She finished her চা and put on her coat. As she was heading out the door she ব্যক্ত “please just take into account what I was saying about Alanna having her mother in her life!!!”

After Grandma had left Dad sat in my room and feed me a bottle. He pondered the idea of having Debbie be a part of my life. Even though he and Debbie have really never seen themselves as a couple my father would do anything to make sure I am brought up as normal as possible. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy to confront Debbie, but it had to be done

The পরবর্তি দিন Dad called Debbie and invited her over to talk. When she got there, all three of us sat in the living room. With me in his arms; he ব্যক্ত “we need to figure out where আপনি stand in Alanna’s life!!!” She ব্যক্ত “I’ll be honest with আপনি Michael; I’m not ready to be a mother!!!” He ব্যক্ত “I’m assuming আপনি would like some sort of recompense?” She ব্যক্ত “yeah pretty much!!!” He took out his checkbook and asked “how does two million dollars sound?” She was shocked and ব্যক্ত “wow…that’s a lot of money!!!” He said” on one condition….you give me at least two আরো children.” She ব্যক্ত “I would প্রণয় to give Alanna a couple of siblings. He wrote the check and she left.

Dad was clearly relieved; the thought of having a spouse after what occurred with Lisa Marie scared him. After all who could raise a well-rounded child better than the King of Pop?

March 24 1994,

I am almost a মাস old and it was time for me to get my first checkup. There is a pediatrician coming to the ranch because it would cause a riot if my father left the house with me. I don’t know how he plans to give me a normal childhood….it’s got to be hard being the most famous person in the world.

The doctor knocked on the door and nanny Grace let her in. Dad ব্যক্ত “hello Dr. Rachel.” They shook hands and Dad lay me down on the table. She checked my reflexes and ব্যক্ত “she looks just like আপনি Michael; aside from that dirty blonde hair!!!” I had Debbie’s skin color and hair….but I definitely take after my father. He asked “if she has any symptoms’ of Vitiligo can আপনি tell at this age?” She ব্যক্ত “I think it is way too early to know!!!” She prepared a needle and gently stuck in my leg. Dad picked me up and ব্যক্ত “it is okay, I’m here.”

Dr. Rachel left and Dad continued to comfort me. He softly hummed a tune in my ear as I drifted off to sleep. He walked out of my room and sat down in his office. He turned on the computer and entered a chat with Lisa Marie:

Lisa: how could আপনি Michael?

Michael: how could I what?

Lisa: আপনি having a child so soon after our divorce makes me look like shit!!!

Michael: listen, it’s not my fault that I wanted children…you did this to yourself!!!

Lisa: I have two of my children; I don’t understand why that wasn’t good enough for you

Michael: I am not going to waste my time fighting with you; I have better things to do!!!



He turns the computer off and bows his head in disgust. He quietly whispers “what the hell was I thinking when I married her?”

March 30 1994,

Dad woke up this morning feeling like he had hardly slept at all. This is very common occurrence for him since I have been home. I cry all of the time and he doesn’t know what to do. The nannies kept telling him that I’m just colicky, but he won’t listen.

Today Dad was listening to some of the songs he wants to be on his History album. He sat there in the studio with me crying in his arms. As he tried to comfort me he accidently hit the play button. Once I heard his voice over the loud speakers I stop crying. Dad was stunned and ব্যক্ত “if only I had known it was that easy to begin with!!!” He paused the track and my eyes started to water. He pressed play and I calmed down. He chuckled and ব্যক্ত “I guess আপনি like my music!!!”

Dad kissed my forehead and stared into my big brown eyes. I smiled and gripped one of his fingers. He grabbed my bottle and ব্যক্ত “I know that আপনি are too young to understand me, but I প্রণয় আপনি আরো than আপনি could imagine!!!” He ব্যক্ত “I’m going to do my best to give আপনি a normal life; I want আপনি to have a childhood!!!”

April 1 1994,

Today is April fool’s দিন and my father is a total prankster. He bought a big box of silly string cans and covered the whole driveway in a multicolored mess. Now everyone who tries to come in অথবা out of the ranch gets their cars all jammed up. The staff gets back at him though; they put a realistic looking fake tattoo on my arm. When he saw it he freaked out, it was priceless when he found out that it was a joke!!!

While I was sitting in my baby দোল Dad walked in wearing a pair of Giant red sunglasses. He looked at me and I laughed for the first time. He took them off and placed them on my tiny head. As he was trying not to fall over with laughter he snapped a picture of me with his camera. Its times like this that prove that Dad is the best father anyone could ask for.

September 12 1994,

Not much has really happened in these last 6 months because I was so young I had essentially the same routine দিন in and দিন out. I have come a long way since then; I even try to communicate with my father দ্বারা babbling.

Today Dad and I were sitting on the পালঙ্ক watching কার্টুন when I had had enough of being quiet; I began to mumble gibberish and Dad look at me smiling. He asked “are আপনি telling me stories again?” I grabbed his hand and continued to talk nonsense. He picked me up and took me into the রান্নাঘর and made a bottle of formula. He ব্যক্ত “before I know it you’ll be eating baby food. We went into the living room and sat back down.

There I lay in my father’s arms staring up at him as he softly sang one of his slow songs. I reached for him and he grinned.

September 13 1994,

When Dad got me up this morning he placed me on the floor in the living room and walked into the kitchen. I rolled over onto my stomach and push myself up wards. Then I started to slowly crawl across the floor. He came back into the room to see if I was alright and was shocked!!!

Dad shrieked with joy and ব্যক্ত “oh my gosh, you’re crawling!!!” He quickly grabbed the video camera and started to tape me. Afterwards he picked me up and ব্যক্ত “I think it’s time to start baby proofing the house!!!

September 14 1994,

Today Dad got me up and it looked as if the house had been completely transformed overnight. Almost every cupboard had a lock on it and all the staircases had gates in front in front of them. The electrical outlets had covers and there was padding over just about every sharp corner in the whole house. It’s funny that he is taking all of these precautionary measures when I have only crawled a few feet so far.

At 3:00pm there was a knock on the front door. When Dad answered it there stood Frank Delileo my father’s manager. He welcomed him inside and they sat down in the living room to chat. Dad put me on the পালঙ্ক পরবর্তি to him. Frank ব্যক্ত “wow; she is getting so big Michael!!!” Dad ব্যক্ত “yeah I know; she started crawling yesterday!!!” Frank clasped his hands together and ব্যক্ত “the reason why I stopped দ্বারা today is to talk about things.” Dad asked “what things?” Frank chuckled and ব্যক্ত “dare I say it…a worldwide tour to promote History!!!” Dad giggled and said” আপনি know how much I HATE touring Frank!!!” Frank ব্যক্ত “I promise Mike after this tour আপনি can have a long break!!!” Dad ব্যক্ত “alright I’ll do it just give me until Alanna is a বছর and a half.”

After Frank had left and Dad put me down for a nap and thought about what he had just agreed to. His biggest goal as a father is to make sure that I have a childhood. It is probably going to be hard for him to decide whether অথবা not to take me with him while he is touring. I don’t think that he could leave me behind; it would just tear him to pieces knowing that he was missing big milestones in my life. My grandfather hardly paid any attention to him growing and Dad would never ever want that for me!!! I’m pretty sure he had come to a decision hours ago…I know that I am going with him!!!

September 22 1994,

I’m really starting to get the hang of this “crawling” thing; Dad doesn’t seem to use to it yet though. Today I was crawling around the রান্নাঘর and picked up a tiny piece of string that must have fell off one of Dad shirts. I was about to put it in my mouth when he turned around and ব্যক্ত “no…that’s gross!!!” Then I started to pull cook বই off of a shelf and he came over to clean them up. He looked at me as he knelt down and asked “you aren’t going to make this easy for me; are you?”

Dad picked me up and put me in my highchair. I began to cry and he ব্যক্ত “I’m sorry but, I need to finish cooking this!!!” when his সুপ was done he came over and sat পরবর্তি to me. He passed me a toy and ব্যক্ত “here আপনি go cutie!!!” The phone rang and he answered it. Whoever it was didn’t intend to have a long conversation because he hung up a few মিনিট later. He sat back down and ব্যক্ত “that was your mommy….she wants to come see আপনি tomorrow”

Dad is defiantly worried about her coming here; especially since she told him that she DID NOT want to play a big role in my life!!! He doesn’t want her in and out of my life but, I think he knows that it might be hard for me growing up without a mother. He is such a good father though…I have I feeling that I will turn out just fine!!!





September 23 1994,

Dad came into my room to wake me up this morning and Debbie was with him. He took me out of my ডাবা and handed me to her. She ব্যক্ত “I can’t believe she is almost 7 months old!!!” I took one look at her and started to cry. She asked “what’s wrong, আপনি want Daddy don’t you?” She gave me back to him and ব্যক্ত “she doesn’t seem to remember me at all!!!” He was comforting me and ব্যক্ত “how could she; the last time আপনি saw her she was only a few weeks old?” Upset দ্বারা what he had ব্যক্ত she stormed downstairs!!!

Dad followed her with me in his arms and ব্যক্ত “Debbie make up your mind; আপনি either want to be in her life অথবা আপনি don’t!!! He put me on the floor and Debbie asked “what gives আপনি the right to talk to me like this Michael?” He ব্যক্ত “let’s see…I feed her, Change her diapers, comfort her, and I pay for EVERYTHING!!!” She grabbed her টাকার থলি and ব্যক্ত “you’re right Michael; call me when আপনি are ready for another kid!!!” She slammed the door behind her and Dad threw his hands in the air out of frustration!!!

He sat down and put his head in his hands mumbling something under his breath and I grabbed onto his shoelaces. He smiled and ব্যক্ত “I want what is best for আপনি and she is definitely not it.” Dad picked me up and ব্যক্ত “the two of us are going to turn out to be best friends…I just know it!!!” he gave me my pacifier and I rested my head on his shoulder.

November 15 1994,

I am 8 months old today and when Dad got me up today something was different. He took me downstairs and put me in my highchair. Normally দ্বারা now he would have already had a bottle of formula heated up for me…that’s strange!!! He sat down with a jar of baby খাবার and a small spoon in his hands. He removed the lid off the jar and ব্যক্ত “I’ve got some কলা flavored baby খাবার for আপনি to try!!!” He scooped a small spoonful and fed it to me. I had a disgusted look on my face and he began to giggle. He ব্যক্ত “I guess আপনি don’t like the taste of bananas!!!”

Nanny Grace walked passed us and started to laugh. Dad threw the jar in the garbage and ব্যক্ত “well, I think that one is out of the question.” He grabbed another jar out of the pantry and sat back down. He ব্যক্ত “this one is strawberry!!!” I swallowed it and it tasted a heck of a lot better than the last one!!! Dad stuck the spoon in the jar and ব্যক্ত “I wonder what it tastes like?” He put it in his mouth and made a weird face. He ran over to the sink and started to wash his mouth out দ্বারা drinking water straight from the tap. Nanny Grace was laughing so hard that she began to snort. She asked “that didn’t taste very good did it Michael?” He looked up while trying to catch his breath and ব্যক্ত “that was way too টক for me!!!”

November 16 1994,

Thanksgiving is পরবর্তি week and Dad really wants the family to come over for the holiday. Usually they would all meet at Havenhurst, but now that Dad is starting his own family he thinks that it is important to create memories for me at Neverland. There is a problem with his plan though…he would have to invite my Grandfather and the two of them argue a lot!!!

When I woke up from my nap Grandma was there and Dad took me downstairs. He passed me to her and sat at the রান্নাঘর table. She ব্যক্ত “if আপনি want to do Thanksgiving here আপনি have to let Joe come Michael.” He ব্যক্ত “you know I don’t get along with Joseph mother!!!” She ব্যক্ত “he’s different now.” Dad took a sip of his iced চা and ব্যক্ত “people like that don’t ever change!!!” I reached out for him and he grabbed me.

Dad grabbed a bottle off the counter and gave it to me. Grandma got up and ব্যক্ত “I promise that he won’t cause a scene.” He sighed and ব্যক্ত “he can come over but, I don’t want any trouble!!!” She ব্যক্ত “with that said; I think it will be fun to have the whole family here together!!!” He ব্যক্ত irritated “just let it be known that I’m doing this for Alanna; not for me!!!”

November 24 1994,

The দিন has finally come…today is Thanksgiving!!! Dad seems excited but, I think when people actually start to প্রদর্শনী up he’ll be stressed out. He woke me up and brought me to the living room. He closed the baby gate and went to get something out of the fridge. One good thing about having such a large family is there is always a lot of খাবার to go around. Everyone is bringing a different খাবার with them to the ranch so nobody has to be cooking all দিন long.

While I entertained myself playing with various toys, Dad took the turkey out of the চুলা and cut up some pineapple to go alongside it. Many people wouldn’t believe this but; he is a really good cook!!! He heard a knock at the front door and let everybody inside. My uncle Marlon stepped over the baby gate and picked me up. Dad came into the room and ব্যক্ত “it’s nice to see আপনি Marlon; I haven’t seen আপনি in forever!!!” He hugged him and we went into the dining room.

Dad took me from Uncle Marlon and put me in my highchair. The whole family filed into the room and started to lay খাবার down on the table. Dad brought the turkey out and just as he was about to say grace he heard a door slam…it was my Grandpa Joe!!! He came in and sat down পরবর্তি to Grandma. Dad cleared his throat and ব্যক্ত “thank আপনি Lord for bringing us here together and for making this a good family memory for all of us to look back on; amen!!!”

Dad sat পরবর্তি to me and asked “how is everyone doing?” Uncle Jermaine ব্যক্ত “I’m dating someone; I really she is the one Mike!!!” Dad asked “who is she?” Uncle Jermaine laughed and ব্যক্ত “she is Randy’s ex-girlfriend Alejandra!!!” This was typical behavior for my Uncle; he had divorced Hazel Gordy years পূর্বে and had three children with her. Their names are, স্থূলবুদ্ধি বাচাল ব্যক্তি (19), Autumn (18), and Jaimy (7). They were all celebrating the holiday with their mother…that bothered my father because he really missed them.

Grandma passed Dad the bowl of sweet potatoes and ব্যক্ত “give some to the baby Michael.” He scooped some onto my tray and I didn’t know what to make of it. After a while I started to eat it and it wasn’t that bad. A few মিনিট later Aunt Janet pointed to me. Dad looked at me and I had covered myself almost head to toe in sweet potato. Everybody busted out into laughter and he ব্যক্ত “oh…. My…. gosh!!!” He grabbed a napkin and wiped off my face as best as he could.

When ডিনার was over everyone got up and started to leave. Grandpa and Dad were standing at the রান্নাঘর counter while an awkward feeling filled the air. Dad ব্যক্ত “I’m glad we can be civil to each other…you know for Alanna.” Grandpa hugged him and ব্যক্ত “I really do care about আপনি Michael!!!” Dad didn’t respond and put some dishes in the dishwasher. My grandparents left and once again it was just the two of us.

November 30 1994,

Dad is going to be leaving in a few days to do some charity work for less fortunate children. Since বড়দিন is পরবর্তি মাস he wants to clear schedule his so he can spend আরো time with me. He and I were sitting on the living room floor playing and he asked “are আপনি going to miss while I’m gone?” I truly hope that he isn’t away for too long because he is the one that knows me best. The nanny doesn’t really need to do much when Dad is around because he wouldn’t want us to get too attached!!!

I passed Dad a block and he started to build a tower. He knocked it down and ব্যক্ত “I know I’ll think about আপনি all the time and call আপনি every day!!!” He picked me up and kissed me on the forehead. Then we went into the রান্নাঘর and he made me a bottle. Nanny Grace was at the sink and she ব্যক্ত “she will be just fine with me when you’re in Africa.” He ব্যক্ত “I don’t think she is going to go to sleep easily without me here!!!”At most I have spent a full দিন with the nanny since I was born and every night Dad sings to me until I fall asleep.

December 3 1994,

Dad was walking around the house trying to pack his bags because his flight to Africa leaves in a half hour. He walked over to me and ব্যক্ত “it’s for me to go….I’ll miss আপনি very much!!!” While he forced back tears I played with his sunglass. As he was shutting the front door nanny Grace picked me up and ব্যক্ত “you and I are our going to have fun!!!”

She put some toys on the floor and ব্যক্ত “you sit here; I will be right back.” I grabbed the teddy ভালুক and pulled on its ear. She came back into the room and sat down in front of me. I passed her the ভালুক and she ব্যক্ত “I think it’s time for আপনি to eat something.” She took me into the রান্নাঘর and opened a jar of baby food. While nanny Grace was feeding me the phone rang:

Grace: Jackson residence

Dad: hello; it’s Michael

Grace: oh…hi Michael

Dad: how is Alanna doing?

Grace: she’s fine; I can’t believe আপনি are calling me to check in…it’s only been 45 minutes!!!

Dad: OK, OK, OK; just call me if আপনি need anything!!!

Grace: goodbye Michael!!!

Dad: bye



That night nanny Grace brought me to my room to put me to বিছানা and I started to cry. She ব্যক্ত “it’s alright; Daddy will be back in a few আরো days!!!” She took me out of my ডাবা and spent 4 hours trying to calm me down. Just as she was about to give up the front door slammed shut. She walked the শীর্ষ of the staircase with me in her arms to see who it was. Dad was standing at the bottom looking up at me. Nanny Grace was shocked and asked “what are আপনি doing here Michael?” He ran up the steps and she passed me to him and he ব্যক্ত “I couldn’t leave…it was killing me knowing that I might miss something important!!!”

Dad brought me into my room and sat in the rocking chair with me in his arms. Within 2 মিনিট I had drifted off to sleep and nanny Grace asked “how in the world did that work for আপনি and not for me?” He shut off the light as he left and ব্যক্ত “I guess she’s just a daddy’s girl!!!”

If Dad leaves me behind again I don’t know what I’ll do!!! I missed him so much and it’s hard for the only parent I have ever known to go away for any amount of time. Contrary to what many people believe; he is a very hands on father. All that matters is he loves me and I প্রণয় him!!! That is all that should ever really matter!!!

December 24 1994

Tonight is বড়দিন Eve and Dad is beyond excited to প্রদর্শনী me what the holiday is all about. I am too young to understand what is really going on; all I know is that there is a big বৃক্ষ in the middle of our living room!!! We have been listening to বড়দিন সঙ্গীত all দিন long and he is pretty much dying of anticipation!!!

When I woke up from my nap Dad brought me downstairs and took me into the kitchen. The chef was taking বিস্কুট out of the চুলা and Dad ব্যক্ত “I want to see if I can get her to decorate a cookie!!!” The chef asked “are আপনি sure she is old enough Michael?” He ব্যক্ত “the worst that can happen is she makes a mess!!! He put me in my highchair and put some red frosting on the tray. Dad gave me a ক্যান্ডি চকোলেট cane shaped cookie. I started to eat the frosting and he laughed. When it was gone I reached out for the tube and he ব্যক্ত “no, আপনি can’t have any more…you’ll get sick!!!”

After ডিনার dad took me into the living room and I sat on his lap as he read me the Night Before Christmas. When the book was over he brought me to my bedroom and put me in my crib. He kissed my forehead and ব্যক্ত “I’ll see আপনি in morning!!!”





December 25 1994,

My bedroom door swung open and Dad came in and picked me up. He ব্যক্ত “merry 1st বড়দিন Alanna!!!” I heard Grandma yell “do আপনি what me to take pictures of her as আপনি are bringing her down Michael?” He ব্যক্ত “of course I do Mother!!!” He took me downstairs and ব্যক্ত “wow; look at all these presents!!!”

As I looked around the living room Dad welcomed family members with me in his arms. Truth be told he didn’t want any of them coming over but, they invited themselves. I think my uncles are very jealous of my father’s fame and fortune. It is awkward for everyone now when they are all together. Even my Grandpa Joe had shown up; which made Dad tense and jumpy. He is determined to not let that get in the way of making it a good বড়দিন for me!!!

Dad propped me up on the পালঙ্ক with a few pillows and went into the kitchen. He came back with a jar of baby খাবার and a small spoon in his hands. Grandma sat down পরবর্তি to him and asked “how is she taking to the solid foods?” He ব্যক্ত “she loves the sweet potato one; this flavor is cinnamon apple.” He stated feeding it to me and my eyes widen and Grandma laughed. I tried to grab the jar from him and he ব্যক্ত “I think she likes it!!!”

After I had been fed; people begun to pass out gifts and Dad put on a Santa Clause hat. There were tons of gifts stacked up half way to the ceiling. As Dad was helping me unwarp my presents he looked at Grandma who was watching what everyone else was getting. She is not allowed to celebrate holidays অথবা receive gifts because she is a Jehovah’s Witness. Dad used to be one too but, he stopped practicing the religion a few months before I was born.

Grandpa opened one of his presents and asked “what the fuck is this?” Dad jumped up and covered my ears. He ব্যক্ত “watch your mouth Joseph!!!” Grandpa ব্যক্ত “she can’t understand what I am saying!!!’ Dad ব্যক্ত “you would be surprised if আপনি knew what Alanna can absorb at her age!!!” Grandpa rolled his eyes and ব্যক্ত “yeah right!!!” Dad began to get very irritated and ব্যক্ত “I’m so close to asking আপনি to leave Joe…don’t push it!!!”

About 4 hours later when most of the gifts had been opened Dad went into his bedroom and came back carrying a big wrapped box. He put it in front of me and knelt down and ব্যক্ত “wait till আপনি see what I got you!!! He tore into the wrapping and underneath it was a rocking horse. I smiled as he put me on it.

My Dad was so happy when everyone left and I had opened all of my gifts. He tried his best to keep his cool and make it a good দিন for me. I know that I had a great time!!! He needs to stop being so hard on himself!!!







January 2 1995





This morning when Dad got me up he noticed that I had a tooth trying to come through. I was up most of the night crying and now he knows why. He took me downstairs and gave me a teething ring. We sat down in the living room watching Blue’s Clues চলচ্ছবি as he tried to comfort me

Dad got up and brought me some sliced strawberries in a bowl and sat পরবর্তি to me. He ate one of them and passed me the bowl. I pushed it back into his hands and he ব্যক্ত “oh come on; I know you’re hungry!!!” Nanny Grace walked into the room and ব্যক্ত “she looks like she is in a lot of pain Michael!!!” He ব্যক্ত “yeah, she hasn’t taken that teething ring out of her mouth yet!!!” He ended up giving me some Benadryl so the both of us could get some much needed sleep.