January 1, 2015,
I looked around the hospital room and ব্যক্ত "I'm so glad that I can finally go home! I didn't expect it to take that many days for me to be rehydrated enough to go home!" Kyle ব্যক্ত as we walked out to my truck "what do আপনি think your family is going to say when they find out that you're pregnant with my baby?" I ব্যক্ত "you heard what the doctor ব্যক্ত to me yesterday; I can't be stressed out and I can pretty much guarantee আপনি that a few people in particular are going to raise my stress level once they find out I'm pregnant again! The whole reason I passed out in the first place was because of the pressure that was being put on me! The last thing I need are my uncles and aunt Janet complaining about me being pregnant!!!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "I understand that আপনি don't want to tell them; but আপনি can't hide it forever! Wouldn't আপনি rather them find out from us? Rather than the other option; which is to প্রদর্শনী up one দিন with a huge stomach and have your water break!" I ব্যক্ত "it's completely up to আপনি whether আপনি want to tell them are not! All I know is that I'm not putting up with their BS because it's not good for me অথবা the baby! আপনি can tell them; just don't do it when I'm around because I really don't want to hear it! I couldn't care less about what they think and I don't feel like they should act like they deserve for their opinions to be heard! They tried to turn grandma against me and my siblings! They kidnapped her and we had no idea where she was! They talk bad about dad in front of all of us and that makes me so angry because all dad ever did for them was basically bend over backwards to make sure that had everything they ever wanted! I don't even really think I want to see them again for as long as I live!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "we really need to stop talking about this because I can tell just doing that is stressing আপনি out babe! Don't worry about telling them that you're pregnant; I'll tell them when you're not around!" I ব্যক্ত "in the meantime, we can at least tell my grandmother, Blanket, Prince, and Paris because I know that they'll be happy for us!" Kyle asked "how are we going to tell Carter?" I ব্যক্ত "give me a few days because I just got out of the hospital and I need to regroup! We can tell him after I get settled back in at home!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "I feel so terrible that আপনি had that much stress on your shoulders! I shouldn't have let Frank put that much pressure on আপনি about going back on tour when আপনি weren't ready to!" I ব্যক্ত "that's not your fault Kyle! I realize that I'm the one that has to bring the money in for us to live off of. I can promise আপনি that a few months after the baby is born I'll be আরো than ready to go on tour again because I'll have আরো time to prepare my mind to be away from আপনি guys for nine months straight!"
We pulled up in front of my grandmother's house and walked inside. Grandma came up to me and frantically asked "are আপনি okay? What happened? I heard আপনি passed out at your concert!!!" I chuckled and ব্যক্ত "relax grandma; I'm fine!" She ব্যক্ত "sorry; I just feel like I have to compensate for how worried your father would be if he was here!" Paris and Prince came running up to me and Prince ব্যক্ত "I'm so glad you're okay AJ! I was really worried about আপনি when I found out that আপনি passed out!" Paris ব্যক্ত "I know; I was too! The video of আপনি passing out on stage is all over YouTube and the news! I guess one of the অনুরাগী had a video camera with them and captured the whole thing! আপনি seemed like আপনি to the ground really hard!"
I opened up the doors to the গর্ত and gestured for my grandmother and siblings to follow me inside. Grandma ব্যক্ত "whatever happened to আপনি must've been pretty serious for আপনি to want to talk to us alone in here! I don't like the vibe you're putting out AJ; you're worrying me!" Kyle and I sat down on the পালঙ্ক পরবর্তি to them and they all looked at us with worried expressions on their faces. We sat there in stunned silence for about five মিনিট before Kyle burst out and ব্যক্ত "I can't take it anymore; AJ'S PREGNANT!!!" Paris looked at me and ব্যক্ত "wait; I thought আপনি couldn't get her pregnant Kyle! It is Kyle's baby; I hope!" I rolled my eyes and ব্যক্ত "of course it's his baby Paris! I would never cheat on Kyle!" She took a sigh of relief as Prince asked "then how are আপনি pregnant with his baby?" I ব্যক্ত "there was only a 5% chance of him being able to get me pregnant on his own; so we thought the odds of it actually working were pretty much impossible! I guess this is one of those times where someone can say never say never!" Grandma asked "is that why আপনি passed out AJ? Did আপনি know আপনি were pregnant? Were আপনি trying to hide it just so আপনি could go on tour and hope that nobody would find out?" I ব্যক্ত "no; I didn't pass out because of that. I passed out because I was dehydrated from the morning sickness. I didn't know at all that I'm pregnant! I just thought I was throwing up because of nerves. Being pregnant was the last thing on my mind!" She asked "were আপনি and Kyle still trying to get pregnant; even though the doctor ব্যক্ত that there was pretty much your chance of that happening?" I ব্যক্ত "I wouldn't say that we were necessarily trying to get pregnant. It was one of those things where if that happened we wouldn't be opposed to it! Kyle and I pretty much accepted the fact that he would never give us any biological children together! Before this happened, we actually started looking into adopting a child. "Blanket ব্যক্ত "I'm so happy that I'm going to be an uncle again!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "we really appreciate আপনি watching Carter and taking him to school for us while AJ has been in the hospital! Before I forget, I want আপনি guys to help keep AJ's stress level down during the pregnancy because the doctor ব্যক্ত it's not good for the baby!!! The doctors don't really want her doing too much while she's pregnant! She's pretty much on বিছানা rest the entire pregnancy!" Prince laughed and ব্যক্ত "like that's going to happen! AJ has ADHD and is going to be impossible to make her relax for nine months!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "I have a feeling it's going to take all of us for her to follow through with taking it easy; but we have to make it work!"
January 9, 2015,
Carter sat at the edge of his বিছানা watching TV when Kyle and I decided to check on him. I sat down and ব্যক্ত "hi buddy; I bet you're wondering why I didn't go on tour like I ব্যক্ত I was going to!" He ব্যক্ত "yeah; I was just thinking about that! Why didn't আপনি go mommy?" I ব্যক্ত with a smile on my face "you're going to have a little brother অথবা sister soon!" He asked "you and daddy are having a baby together? How come your stomach is not big?" Kyle chuckled and ব্যক্ত "it doesn't get big right away Carter! It'll be a while before আপনি can really tell!" Carter ব্যক্ত "make sure it's a boy because I want a little brother!" I ব্যক্ত "we don't get to pick what it's going to be Carter; it just happens!"
February 3, 2015,
I had just left the bathroom, after waking up early in the morning with morning sickness and I climbed back into bed. Kyle asked "are আপনি sure you're okay?" I ব্যক্ত "yes; I told আপনি it's normal for me to be throwing up!" He ব্যক্ত "if there's anything আপনি ever need from me don't be afraid to ask!" I ব্যক্ত "there is one thing." He asked "what is it?" I ব্যক্ত "I've been craving Chinese খাবার like crazy and I was wondering if আপনি would go get us some?" He looked over at the clock and ব্যক্ত "it's 6 o'clock in the morning and I don't know if any Chinese খাবার places are open this early. I'll go check anyway; just because I প্রণয় you." I ব্যক্ত "thanks Kyle; I really appreciate it!"
A few hours later, he arrived back at the house and walked up to our bedroom carrying a huge bag of Chinese food. He ব্যক্ত "sorry it took me so long; you're in luck though because I found a 24-hour Chinese খাবার restaurant a few towns over!" I ব্যক্ত "you didn't have to drive that far just to get me the খাবার that I wanted!" He ব্যক্ত "I know; but I wanted to!" He started picked up খাবার out of the bag and sat down on the bed. He ব্যক্ত "I know Damien wasn't here for আপনি last time when আপনি were pregnant with Carter and I want to প্রদর্শনী আপনি how a real man is supposed to act!" I ব্যক্ত "you don't really have to treat me any different just because I'm pregnant." He ব্যক্ত "you deserve to be treated like the Queen!" I ব্যক্ত "I know one thing's for sure; I hate being stuck in this bedroom all দিন every day!" He ব্যক্ত "it's only been a little over a week and আপনি are already going crazy!" I ব্যক্ত "I don't understand why I have to lay in বিছানা pretty much the entire pregnancy! My ADHD is driving me nuts and I don't know how much of this I can take!" He ব্যক্ত "I know that it seems like it sucks right now; but it'll be worth it once আপনি see the baby for the first time!" I ব্যক্ত "I know you're right; I just hope that I can keep my stress level down enough to where it doesn't affect the baby!" He ব্যক্ত "I'll do everything I can to make sure that আপনি relax as much as possible until the baby is born! Don't worry about anything because I've got it under control!"
February 23, 2015,
"I can't believe we're having a baby girl!" Kyle ব্যক্ত as we walked in the house after going to the doctors. I ব্যক্ত "I'm so glad it's a girl because after this I'm done being pregnant! I don't want any আরো kids!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "we have our son and our daughter and that's good enough for me!" I sat down on the পালঙ্ক and Kyle ব্যক্ত "since I wasn't around when আপনি named Carter, আপনি should let me name her on my own! At least the first name!" I ব্যক্ত "I don't know if আপনি can handle that Kyle! It would be different if we were having a boy; but আপনি have to remember that whatever name we name our daughter she is going to be stuck with for the rest of her life! I don't want her to have a stupid name!" He ব্যক্ত "the name I picked out isn't that bad! How about if I give her the name I picked out for her first name and আপনি can pick out whatever আপনি want for her middle name?" I asked "what name did আপনি pick out for her first name Kyle?" He ব্যক্ত "Addison." I raised my eyebrows and ব্যক্ত "actually, I like it! Okay: আপনি win! We can name her Addison!"
I grabbed the baby book off the টেবিল and started to flip through the pages. I stopped and ব্যক্ত out loud "Addison Avery; how does that sound to you?" He ব্যক্ত "I really like that!" I ব্যক্ত "I guess her names going to be Addison Avery Lester; that was easier than I thought it would be!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "speaking of names; I've always wondered why আপনি didn't change your last name to Lester when আপনি and I got married." I ব্যক্ত "it's not that I didn't want to; but part of my celebrity image is my last name and if I changed it that would probably affect my fans! I've been known as Alanna Jackson দ্বারা the public for so long that it would be awkward if I changed my last name." He ব্যক্ত "that's okay; I understand! I was just always curious. It doesn't really matter to me whether অথবা not আপনি have my last name!"
April 15, 2015,
Kyle was gone go shopping and I was up in my room when the phone rang. I answered it and the person on the other end ব্যক্ত "excuse me; I'm looking for Miss Jackson." I ব্যক্ত "this is her." She responded "hello; I'm the principal at your son Carter's school." I asked "is everything okay?" She ব্যক্ত "no; not really. Carter's been suspended and I need আপনি to come pick him up." I ব্যক্ত "suspended; what can আপনি possibly suspend a first grader for doing?" She ব্যক্ত "Carter was using foul language in front of the other children and inside his classroom. He was told several times not to say the things he was saying; but he just continued on." I ব্যক্ত as I sighed "okay; I'll be there in a few মিনিট to pick him up."
Even though I knew I wasn't supposed to be walking around much, I had to go pick up Carter because Kyle was gone. After driving to the school, I climbed out of my truck and walked inside. I walked down to the principal's office and the secretary let me into the room. I casually walked in and Carter looked up at me with shame in his eyes. I looked at the principal and ব্যক্ত as I grabbed Carter's arm "I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I assure আপনি that it won't happen again." She ব্যক্ত "he suspended for a week of school. I'll see আপনি then."
After Carter and I got into the truck, he looked at me in silence and I looked at him and he ব্যক্ত "please don't tell daddy mommy!" I asked "what did আপনি say in your classroom that got আপনি in trouble?" He ব্যক্ত "I told the teacher to shut the fuck up because she wouldn't stop complaining about my handwriting! Please don't tell daddy!" I rolled my eyes and ব্যক্ত "don't worry; I won't because I know how it feels to get into trouble and I'm not the type of parent that's going to punish you. It's no big deal; I'll figure something out so daddy doesn't suspect anything weird going on!"
When we pulled into the driveway, Kyle had already gotten প্রথমপাতা and had parked his car পরবর্তি to my parking spot. The two of us walked inside and Kyle asked "where have আপনি been AJ? আপনি know you're not supposed to be out of bed! Why is Carter with you?" I ব্যক্ত while thinking quickly "you must've forgotten that today starts April break for Carter! He doesn't have school for a whole week." Kyle ব্যক্ত "I've been so busy making sure that you're okay AJ that I must've forgotten all about it!" As Kyle walked away, Carter gave me a secretive high-five and ব্যক্ত "thanks for covering for me mommy!"
April 21, 2015,
I'm running out of things to do to keep myself busy because Kyle won't let me do anything other than stay up here in our bedroom all দিন every day! I decided to have him bring some of my childhood প্রথমপাতা চলচ্চিত্র for us to watch together. He put one of the চলচ্চিত্র in the VCR and pressed play:
Dated at the bottom of the screen January 5, 2005,
I was holding the camera and laughing hysterically as dad attempted to skateboard; but he could barely stand up on it. He ব্যক্ত "I don't know about this AJ! It doesn't look safe! I don't know how আপনি do this! It's moving around too much for me!" I ব্যক্ত "dad; come on! You're being such a wimp! Once আপনি get the hang of it, you'll be fine; trust me! It's not as hard as it looks!" He hopped off skateboard and ব্যক্ত "I'll stick to dancing. I'm afraid that if I keep trying to skateboard on that thing I will crack my head open!" I ব্যক্ত "you're going to be missing out; that's all I have to say about it." He ব্যক্ত "all I know about skateboarding is that I better not catch আপনি without your শিরস্ত্রাণ on!" I ব্যক্ত "yeah, yeah, yeah; I know dad! আপনি don't have to give me a lecture!" He ব্যক্ত "it may seem like I'm nagging you; but you'll thank me later!"
*Video ends*
I immediately started crying and Kyle asked "is it the pregnancy mood swings again?" I ব্যক্ত "my dad was supposed to be here! He shouldn't have died! Being pregnant again only makes me miss him আরো because it reminds me of how much he did for me when I was pregnant with Carter!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "I wish there was something I could do to make আপনি feel better! If আপনি don't want to watch anymore চলচ্ছবি we don't have to." I ব্যক্ত "I don't think I could handle watching another video with him in it. It's just too much for me to handle! I don't understand why I was just so mean to him when all he ever wanted was to make me a good person! I just keep going back to the দিন when I pretty much ditched him with Carter to go get drunk with some of my friends! I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't a good mom at all of the beginning! My dad pretty much took care of him on his own while I slept all দিন and drank all night! I hate to say it; but if my dad wasn't around to take care of Carter those last few months before he passed away I don't think I would have Carter today! He would probably be in the foster care system because I wouldn't have taken care of him! Looking back on it now, I treated my dad like a personal babysitter and I should have appreciated everything that he's done for me over the years! It wasn't fair to him! He didn't want to be a dad again and basically he was because I wasn't taking care of my son!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "you really need to stop beating yourself up for that! That happened a long time পূর্বে and আপনি heard what the psychic said! Your dad forgives আপনি and he doesn't want আপনি to feel guilty about stuff that happened before he died!" I ব্যক্ত "I just don't understand why he had to die when I was only 15 years old and a teenage mother on শীর্ষ of that! He left me at the worst possible time and I wasn't at all prepared for the reality of how the real world worked! Anytime I ever got in trouble before, he would come to my rescue and now he isn't here anymore to protect me from how awful the world can be!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "I know that if he had the choice to stay alive he would still be here! He even told আপনি through the psychic that he wasn't ready to leave this world!" I ব্যক্ত "I would do anything just to hug him one আরো time!"
April 25, 2015,
Kyle came and asked with irritation in his voice "how long were আপনি planning to lie to me?" I asked "what do আপনি mean?" He ব্যক্ত "Carter's school just called and asked me if we wanted someone to drop off the school work he's missed this week!" I ব্যক্ত "I knew আপনি would overreact and punish Carter from getting suspended! That's the whole reason I lied to আপনি in the first place!" He ব্যক্ত "I don't want this to turn into a fight because it's not good for আপনি অথবা the baby. All I'm saying is that if আপনি don't start punishing him soon for misbehaving it will only get worse." I ব্যক্ত "I realized that Kyle; but what he did wasn't that bad! I've done way worse when I was seven years old!"
Kyle called Carter into our bedroom and Kyle asked "how come আপনি didn't tell me that আপনি got suspended from school?" Carter ব্যক্ত "mommy ব্যক্ত it was no big deal! আপনি just need to mind your own business daddy!” My eyes widened in shock দ্বারা what had just come out of my son’s mouth. I ব্যক্ত "don't talk to your dad like that Carter." Kyle just rolled his eyes in disbelief as Carter walked out of the room.
May 3, 2015,
Kyle came out of Carter's bedroom and ব্যক্ত "I took the video game out of his room." I asked "why did আপনি do that?" He ব্যক্ত "because his teacher just called and he's been suspended again." I asked "what did he do this time?" Kyle ব্যক্ত "he ran off of school grounds during recess and the teacher couldn't find him!" I ব্যক্ত "maybe we should just take him out of school and start homeschooling him." Kyle ব্যক্ত "that's not going to fix the problem AJ! What he really needs is for one of us to discipline him and since আপনি won't let me do it you're going to have to!" I ব্যক্ত "disciplining him isn't going to make a difference. I don't see it as a big deal because the teachers found him. I'm not going to discipline him for that Kyle!" Kyle ব্যক্ত with irritation in his voice "so you're just going to leave me to pick up the pieces when you're gone on tour? I'll have to deal with him and a newborn baby all on my own; the way things are going he's going to be out of control দ্বারা the time আপনি leave! The principal ব্যক্ত she would drop him off for us because I can't trust আপনি to stay in বিছানা like you're supposed to!"
Before long, Carter walked through the door and Kyle looked at me; expecting me to do something. I walked Carter into his room and shut the door behind us. I sat down on the বিছানা পরবর্তি to him and ব্যক্ত "I can't believe আপনি walked off of school grounds Carter!" He ব্যক্ত "whatever" and flopped backwards onto the bed. I ব্যক্ত "it's not whatever Carter! Nobody knew where আপনি were and আপনি could have gotten hurt! Someone could've hurt আপনি অথবা kidnapped you! Do আপনি know how sad your dad and I would have been if we হারিয়ে গেছে you?" Carter chuckled and ব্যক্ত "I was only gone for a few মিনিট mommy!" I ব্যক্ত sternly "I don't find this funny at all and আপনি will be punished!" Carter ব্যক্ত "yeah right; আপনি wouldn't do that!" I asked "you want to bet?"
I removed the mounted flatscreen TV off of the দেওয়াল and walked out of the room. Once Carter realized what I was doing, he ran up to me and kicked me in my stomach right in front of Kyle. That's when Kyle flipped out! He shouted "DID আপনি JUST KICK YOUR MOTHER IN THE STOMACH?" Carter immediately started crying at the sound of Kyle raising his voice at him because he's never done that before. I ব্যক্ত "whoa Kyle; chill out! He's only seven!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "go to your room Carter!" Carter ran off to his room and slammed the door.
Kyle asked frantically "are আপনি okay? I can't believe he kicked আপনি in your stomach; you're pregnant!" I ব্যক্ত "I know you're scared for the baby; but that doesn't give আপনি any excuse to scream at Carter like that! আপনি saw his face; he was terrified of আপনি and still is! I didn't expect আপনি to traumatize him like that! He's never been exposed to that sort of reaction before! I don't appreciate আপনি অভিনয় like that towards him and I think আপনি should apologize to him! That was totally uncalled for!"
Kyle felt terrible as he walked into Carter's bedroom and saw him hysterically crying on his bed. Kyle knelt down পরবর্তি to him and ব্যক্ত "I didn't mean to scare আপনি Carter. I'm sorry buddy! আপনি just can't kick mommy in the stomach like that because it could've hurt the baby. That's the only reason why I screamed at you; but I won't do it again because I know it was wrong!" Carter sat up and ব্যক্ত "that was really scary how your face turned red!"
Kyle decided to leave the room because he was feeling awful and I think he actually wanted to cry. I sat down on the বিছানা and looked around the room. I proceeded to give my son a lecture; which is something I thought I would never do. I ব্যক্ত "if your behavior doesn't get better soon I'm going to start making আপনি go to school at home; like I had originally planned." Carter ব্যক্ত "but আপনি can't do that because I have so many friends! I প্রণয় going to school!" I ব্যক্ত "if I want to do that than I have the right as your mother to do so." Carter asked eagerly "if I say I'm sorry for getting suspended from school and kicking আপনি do I get my TV back?" I ব্যক্ত "yes; a week from now! Nice try though!"
I shut Carter's bedroom door after setting him up with a game on my laptop. I stood outside the doorway and slid my back down the দেওয়াল as I sat down on the ground. Kyle came over with tears in his eyes and sat down পরবর্তি to me. He put his arm around me and ব্যক্ত "I'm so sorry AJ! I never intended to scream at him like that! I guess I just got caught up in the moment and overreacted!" I stared off into মহাকাশ and Kyle asked "what's wrong?" I ব্যক্ত softly under my breath "I just realized how much I sounded like my dad when I was punishing Carter just now. Oh my God; that's freaking me out! I sounded exactly like he did when he was punishing me!" Kyle laughed and ব্যক্ত "I bet আপনি never thought in 1 million years that আপনি would lecture your son just like your dad did with আপনি for 15 years!"
May 13, 2015,
I was going through some old stuff in the attic while Carter looked through some boxes for something to play with. He came across a book and passed it to me. I asked "what's this buddy?" He ব্যক্ত "I don't know; but it has your name on it. I looked at the front cover of what appeared to be a ছবি album with the words "daddy's little tomboy" written in marker across the top.
Carter sat on my lap as I started to flip through the pages. He pointed to a picture of dad and I in the swimming pool and asked "who is that? Why are they in our swimming pool?" I ব্যক্ত as I chuckled "that's me when I was your age and your Papa!" He asked with a puzzled look on his face "why are আপনি guys in our swimming pool?" I ব্যক্ত "this is where I grew up Carter! My daddy raised me here just like daddy and I are raising আপনি here!" Carter joked "you grew up mommy? আপনি still act like a big kid!" I smiled and ব্যক্ত "yeah; I guess I really didn't grow up after all!"
As we looked at the various photos, Carter asked "what was your daddy like?" I just sat there in silence for what felt like forever trying to process what he had just asked me. I ব্যক্ত as a single tear ran down my face "he was the best daddy ever!" He asked "why are আপনি crying mommy?" I ব্যক্ত "it's okay to cry." I wiped my tear filled eyes as Carter asked "do আপনি have any good stories আপনি can tell me about Papa?" I moved the two of us off of the ground and sat down with Carter still on my lap in a really comfortable reclining chair. I ব্যক্ত "plenty of good stories!" Carter asked "can আপনি tell me some of them?" I ব্যক্ত "of course I will!"
I started দ্বারা saying "I remember one time when I was almost 3 when your Papa took me to Disneyland right before uncle Prince was born. It was only the সেকেন্ড time I ever remember going to Disneyland and I remember that I was scared of Mickey Mouse. I wouldn't let go of your Papa's leg and was screaming at the শীর্ষ of my lungs! Then he would whisper in my ear and tell me that everything was going to be okay! That he would never let anything happen to me! That there was nothing to be afraid of because he was there to protect me!" I started crying hysterically with Carter still on my lap as I recalled those exact words coming out of my father's mouth.
I moved Carter off of my lap and said" I'm sorry Carter; I can't talk about him anymore! I'll be back in a few minutes. Why don't আপনি go watch TV in your room for a while? I'm going to go to my room. Carter ব্যক্ত "I'm sorry I made আপনি cry mommy."
I ran up to our bedroom just as Kyle was getting dressed and collapsed onto the বিছানা in a mess of emotions that Kyle had never witnessed coming from me before. He lay down পরবর্তি to me and asked "oh my God; what's wrong babe?" I started hyperventilating and forced out of the words "I think – I'm having – a panic – attack!" He ব্যক্ত "just take deep breaths; calm down!" I ব্যক্ত "I can't do this without my dad!" Kyle asked "you can't do what without your dad?" I ব্যক্ত "I can't live life without him!" He ব্যক্ত "yes আপনি can! You've been doing pretty good!" I ব্যক্ত "he was supposed to be there for all of this! We got married and he wasn't physically there! I'm going to be having another baby and he won't even get to meet Addison! Carter doesn't even know really who his grandfather is; even though I tried so hard to keep his memory alive. I guess I just don't want to let my dad go! I can't be at peace with him being gone! Okay; I admit it! I needed him and I still need him! I JUST WANT MY DADDY; THAT'S ALL I WANT! I JUST WANT HIM TO HOLD ME! I KNOW I'M 21 YEARS OLD; BUT I JUST WANT HIM TO HOLD ME LIKE I'M FIVE YEARS OLD AGAIN AND NEVER LET GO! I don't miss my dad; I MISS MY DADDY! The daddy that tucked me into বিছানা every night; even when I was a teenager he still did that! The daddy that always told me that he loved me; no matter what I did! The daddy that cut my খাবার for me when I was little! The daddy that tied my shoes for me and then spent hours teaching me how to tie them on my own! The daddy that consoled me when I woke up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream! The daddy that wiped my –." Kyle widened his eyes with an awkward look on his face and ব্যক্ত "I can see where this is going!" I burst out laughing and ব্যক্ত "I was going to say nose!" Kyle breathed sigh of relief and ব্যক্ত "oh thank God!" I ব্যক্ত as I chuckled "I'm not excluding what আপনি thought as a possibility when I was younger he did do that; when I was a toddler! Anyway; my point is that I realized that I don't miss my dad at all! Who I really miss is my daddy! The sad thing is that I pushed my daddy away a long time ago; when he was still alive! He would always try to reconnect with me after I turned into a teenager; but I didn't want to spend any time with him!"
Kyle moved me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me. He ব্যক্ত "I know that I'll never be as good as Michael was; but I'm not going anywhere! Everything is going to be okay and আপনি can do this! We can do this! You're not alone!"
September 22, 2015,
I shook Kyle out of the deep sleep he was in and ব্যক্ত "it's time Kyle!" He asked as he yawned "time for me to get আপনি some আরো food?" I ব্যক্ত "no; it's time for আপনি to take me to the hospital! I woke up a few মিনিট পূর্বে to go to the bathroom and my water broke when I got back into bed."
Kyle immediately jumped out of বিছানা and ব্যক্ত "oh my God! What are we going to do with Carter?" I ব্যক্ত "my brother’s phone number is on speed dial and I already told him to be prepared to come over here and watch Carter if this happened in the middle of the night. Don't worry; I already called him and he's on his way. Actually, I think he just pulled into the driveway.
Kyle did something that I definitely wasn't expecting. He picked me up and cradled me in his arms as he ran out the door. Prince asked as he chuckled "what the heck are আপনি carrying AJ for Kyle? Her water broke; she's not paralyzed!" Kyle ব্যক্ত frantically "there's no time to talk; we're having a baby anytime now!" Kyle practically threw the house keys out of the car window as we sped down the road. Kyle asked "are আপনি okay? The baby isn't coming yet is it?" I ব্যক্ত "don't worry; she's not going anywhere unless I start pushing." Kyle ব্যক্ত "whatever আপনি do; please don't push! I don't want to be another news story about a father her delivers his baby on the side of the road!" I ব্যক্ত "calm down Kyle; I'm আরো calm than আপনি are and I'm in a lot of pain!" He ব্যক্ত "sorry; I'm just excited and nervous all at once!"
After a nurse took us to a hospital room, we sat there waiting for the doctor to come in. After she arrived, she ব্যক্ত "oh my God; this baby is going to come out any সেকেন্ড now! আপনি didn't start pushing yet; did you?" I ব্যক্ত "no; why?" She ব্যক্ত "the baby's head in already all the way out! I have a feeling you're only going to need to push once! I was going to offer আপনি the epidural; but there's no time!" I ব্যক্ত as I recalled the tremendous pain I was in from giving birth to Carter without the epidural "I don't want to do this without some sort of numbing medication!" She ব্যক্ত "you don't really have a choice at this point! We just have to get this baby out as soon as possible! Trust me; it's not going to be as bad as the first time because all আপনি need is push a little bit and the baby will be out."
Sure enough, without even really trying; our daughter was brought into this world. Kyle looked over and ব্যক্ত "she has my hair; she's pretty much bald though.” One of the nurses passed her to Kyle and he started to cry as he looked down at her. He brought her up to me and ব্যক্ত "here's our little miracle baby! Addison Avery Lester." I took her out of his arms and ব্যক্ত "I can't believe আপনি and I created something so beautiful together!" The Doctor ব্যক্ত "she seems really healthy; আপনি can go প্রথমপাতা with her today if আপনি want to!"
After signing a release form, Kyle and I walked out to his car and he started trying to figure out how to install the car seat. I chuckled as he ট্যাঙ্গেল্ড himself up with the seatbelt in the back আসন and ব্যক্ত "I thought আপনি would've practiced this a few times; before we brought her home!" He ব্যক্ত "I think I figured it out; go ahead." I buckled her into the car আসন after sitting down পরবর্তি to it and Kyle started the car.
I ব্যক্ত "I have a feeling that Carter will be sleeping still; দ্বারা the time we get back to the house. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I don't think we shouldWake him up." Kyle ব্যক্ত "Prince must've woken him up because I can see him through the windows in front of the house and he's watching TV."
Kyle walked behind me while he carried the car আসন with Addison inside it. Carter waited patiently while Prince took his niece over to him. Carter held Addison for a lot longer than I expected him to. He ব্যক্ত "I'm so excited that I'm a big brother!" I ব্যক্ত "that means you're going to have to help take care of Addison with daddy while I'm on tour starting in a few months. That reminds me of something; Kyle when are আপনি going to start decorating Paris's old bedroom into the nursery for Addison?" He ব্যক্ত "Addison can stay in our room until after আপনি leave on tour and that way it can be a surprise for আপনি when আপনি get home. Trust me; it'll be worth the wait! I'm going to make the most perfect nursery anyone could ever imagine for my little girl! In the meantime, let's appreciate the last four months before আপনি leave on your tour because after that I'm going to be taking care of two kids all on my own for nine months straight. Surprisingly, I'm looking অগ্রবর্তী to it!"
I looked around the hospital room and ব্যক্ত "I'm so glad that I can finally go home! I didn't expect it to take that many days for me to be rehydrated enough to go home!" Kyle ব্যক্ত as we walked out to my truck "what do আপনি think your family is going to say when they find out that you're pregnant with my baby?" I ব্যক্ত "you heard what the doctor ব্যক্ত to me yesterday; I can't be stressed out and I can pretty much guarantee আপনি that a few people in particular are going to raise my stress level once they find out I'm pregnant again! The whole reason I passed out in the first place was because of the pressure that was being put on me! The last thing I need are my uncles and aunt Janet complaining about me being pregnant!!!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "I understand that আপনি don't want to tell them; but আপনি can't hide it forever! Wouldn't আপনি rather them find out from us? Rather than the other option; which is to প্রদর্শনী up one দিন with a huge stomach and have your water break!" I ব্যক্ত "it's completely up to আপনি whether আপনি want to tell them are not! All I know is that I'm not putting up with their BS because it's not good for me অথবা the baby! আপনি can tell them; just don't do it when I'm around because I really don't want to hear it! I couldn't care less about what they think and I don't feel like they should act like they deserve for their opinions to be heard! They tried to turn grandma against me and my siblings! They kidnapped her and we had no idea where she was! They talk bad about dad in front of all of us and that makes me so angry because all dad ever did for them was basically bend over backwards to make sure that had everything they ever wanted! I don't even really think I want to see them again for as long as I live!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "we really need to stop talking about this because I can tell just doing that is stressing আপনি out babe! Don't worry about telling them that you're pregnant; I'll tell them when you're not around!" I ব্যক্ত "in the meantime, we can at least tell my grandmother, Blanket, Prince, and Paris because I know that they'll be happy for us!" Kyle asked "how are we going to tell Carter?" I ব্যক্ত "give me a few days because I just got out of the hospital and I need to regroup! We can tell him after I get settled back in at home!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "I feel so terrible that আপনি had that much stress on your shoulders! I shouldn't have let Frank put that much pressure on আপনি about going back on tour when আপনি weren't ready to!" I ব্যক্ত "that's not your fault Kyle! I realize that I'm the one that has to bring the money in for us to live off of. I can promise আপনি that a few months after the baby is born I'll be আরো than ready to go on tour again because I'll have আরো time to prepare my mind to be away from আপনি guys for nine months straight!"
We pulled up in front of my grandmother's house and walked inside. Grandma came up to me and frantically asked "are আপনি okay? What happened? I heard আপনি passed out at your concert!!!" I chuckled and ব্যক্ত "relax grandma; I'm fine!" She ব্যক্ত "sorry; I just feel like I have to compensate for how worried your father would be if he was here!" Paris and Prince came running up to me and Prince ব্যক্ত "I'm so glad you're okay AJ! I was really worried about আপনি when I found out that আপনি passed out!" Paris ব্যক্ত "I know; I was too! The video of আপনি passing out on stage is all over YouTube and the news! I guess one of the অনুরাগী had a video camera with them and captured the whole thing! আপনি seemed like আপনি to the ground really hard!"
I opened up the doors to the গর্ত and gestured for my grandmother and siblings to follow me inside. Grandma ব্যক্ত "whatever happened to আপনি must've been pretty serious for আপনি to want to talk to us alone in here! I don't like the vibe you're putting out AJ; you're worrying me!" Kyle and I sat down on the পালঙ্ক পরবর্তি to them and they all looked at us with worried expressions on their faces. We sat there in stunned silence for about five মিনিট before Kyle burst out and ব্যক্ত "I can't take it anymore; AJ'S PREGNANT!!!" Paris looked at me and ব্যক্ত "wait; I thought আপনি couldn't get her pregnant Kyle! It is Kyle's baby; I hope!" I rolled my eyes and ব্যক্ত "of course it's his baby Paris! I would never cheat on Kyle!" She took a sigh of relief as Prince asked "then how are আপনি pregnant with his baby?" I ব্যক্ত "there was only a 5% chance of him being able to get me pregnant on his own; so we thought the odds of it actually working were pretty much impossible! I guess this is one of those times where someone can say never say never!" Grandma asked "is that why আপনি passed out AJ? Did আপনি know আপনি were pregnant? Were আপনি trying to hide it just so আপনি could go on tour and hope that nobody would find out?" I ব্যক্ত "no; I didn't pass out because of that. I passed out because I was dehydrated from the morning sickness. I didn't know at all that I'm pregnant! I just thought I was throwing up because of nerves. Being pregnant was the last thing on my mind!" She asked "were আপনি and Kyle still trying to get pregnant; even though the doctor ব্যক্ত that there was pretty much your chance of that happening?" I ব্যক্ত "I wouldn't say that we were necessarily trying to get pregnant. It was one of those things where if that happened we wouldn't be opposed to it! Kyle and I pretty much accepted the fact that he would never give us any biological children together! Before this happened, we actually started looking into adopting a child. "Blanket ব্যক্ত "I'm so happy that I'm going to be an uncle again!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "we really appreciate আপনি watching Carter and taking him to school for us while AJ has been in the hospital! Before I forget, I want আপনি guys to help keep AJ's stress level down during the pregnancy because the doctor ব্যক্ত it's not good for the baby!!! The doctors don't really want her doing too much while she's pregnant! She's pretty much on বিছানা rest the entire pregnancy!" Prince laughed and ব্যক্ত "like that's going to happen! AJ has ADHD and is going to be impossible to make her relax for nine months!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "I have a feeling it's going to take all of us for her to follow through with taking it easy; but we have to make it work!"
January 9, 2015,
Carter sat at the edge of his বিছানা watching TV when Kyle and I decided to check on him. I sat down and ব্যক্ত "hi buddy; I bet you're wondering why I didn't go on tour like I ব্যক্ত I was going to!" He ব্যক্ত "yeah; I was just thinking about that! Why didn't আপনি go mommy?" I ব্যক্ত with a smile on my face "you're going to have a little brother অথবা sister soon!" He asked "you and daddy are having a baby together? How come your stomach is not big?" Kyle chuckled and ব্যক্ত "it doesn't get big right away Carter! It'll be a while before আপনি can really tell!" Carter ব্যক্ত "make sure it's a boy because I want a little brother!" I ব্যক্ত "we don't get to pick what it's going to be Carter; it just happens!"
February 3, 2015,
I had just left the bathroom, after waking up early in the morning with morning sickness and I climbed back into bed. Kyle asked "are আপনি sure you're okay?" I ব্যক্ত "yes; I told আপনি it's normal for me to be throwing up!" He ব্যক্ত "if there's anything আপনি ever need from me don't be afraid to ask!" I ব্যক্ত "there is one thing." He asked "what is it?" I ব্যক্ত "I've been craving Chinese খাবার like crazy and I was wondering if আপনি would go get us some?" He looked over at the clock and ব্যক্ত "it's 6 o'clock in the morning and I don't know if any Chinese খাবার places are open this early. I'll go check anyway; just because I প্রণয় you." I ব্যক্ত "thanks Kyle; I really appreciate it!"
A few hours later, he arrived back at the house and walked up to our bedroom carrying a huge bag of Chinese food. He ব্যক্ত "sorry it took me so long; you're in luck though because I found a 24-hour Chinese খাবার restaurant a few towns over!" I ব্যক্ত "you didn't have to drive that far just to get me the খাবার that I wanted!" He ব্যক্ত "I know; but I wanted to!" He started picked up খাবার out of the bag and sat down on the bed. He ব্যক্ত "I know Damien wasn't here for আপনি last time when আপনি were pregnant with Carter and I want to প্রদর্শনী আপনি how a real man is supposed to act!" I ব্যক্ত "you don't really have to treat me any different just because I'm pregnant." He ব্যক্ত "you deserve to be treated like the Queen!" I ব্যক্ত "I know one thing's for sure; I hate being stuck in this bedroom all দিন every day!" He ব্যক্ত "it's only been a little over a week and আপনি are already going crazy!" I ব্যক্ত "I don't understand why I have to lay in বিছানা pretty much the entire pregnancy! My ADHD is driving me nuts and I don't know how much of this I can take!" He ব্যক্ত "I know that it seems like it sucks right now; but it'll be worth it once আপনি see the baby for the first time!" I ব্যক্ত "I know you're right; I just hope that I can keep my stress level down enough to where it doesn't affect the baby!" He ব্যক্ত "I'll do everything I can to make sure that আপনি relax as much as possible until the baby is born! Don't worry about anything because I've got it under control!"
February 23, 2015,
"I can't believe we're having a baby girl!" Kyle ব্যক্ত as we walked in the house after going to the doctors. I ব্যক্ত "I'm so glad it's a girl because after this I'm done being pregnant! I don't want any আরো kids!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "we have our son and our daughter and that's good enough for me!" I sat down on the পালঙ্ক and Kyle ব্যক্ত "since I wasn't around when আপনি named Carter, আপনি should let me name her on my own! At least the first name!" I ব্যক্ত "I don't know if আপনি can handle that Kyle! It would be different if we were having a boy; but আপনি have to remember that whatever name we name our daughter she is going to be stuck with for the rest of her life! I don't want her to have a stupid name!" He ব্যক্ত "the name I picked out isn't that bad! How about if I give her the name I picked out for her first name and আপনি can pick out whatever আপনি want for her middle name?" I asked "what name did আপনি pick out for her first name Kyle?" He ব্যক্ত "Addison." I raised my eyebrows and ব্যক্ত "actually, I like it! Okay: আপনি win! We can name her Addison!"
I grabbed the baby book off the টেবিল and started to flip through the pages. I stopped and ব্যক্ত out loud "Addison Avery; how does that sound to you?" He ব্যক্ত "I really like that!" I ব্যক্ত "I guess her names going to be Addison Avery Lester; that was easier than I thought it would be!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "speaking of names; I've always wondered why আপনি didn't change your last name to Lester when আপনি and I got married." I ব্যক্ত "it's not that I didn't want to; but part of my celebrity image is my last name and if I changed it that would probably affect my fans! I've been known as Alanna Jackson দ্বারা the public for so long that it would be awkward if I changed my last name." He ব্যক্ত "that's okay; I understand! I was just always curious. It doesn't really matter to me whether অথবা not আপনি have my last name!"
April 15, 2015,
Kyle was gone go shopping and I was up in my room when the phone rang. I answered it and the person on the other end ব্যক্ত "excuse me; I'm looking for Miss Jackson." I ব্যক্ত "this is her." She responded "hello; I'm the principal at your son Carter's school." I asked "is everything okay?" She ব্যক্ত "no; not really. Carter's been suspended and I need আপনি to come pick him up." I ব্যক্ত "suspended; what can আপনি possibly suspend a first grader for doing?" She ব্যক্ত "Carter was using foul language in front of the other children and inside his classroom. He was told several times not to say the things he was saying; but he just continued on." I ব্যক্ত as I sighed "okay; I'll be there in a few মিনিট to pick him up."
Even though I knew I wasn't supposed to be walking around much, I had to go pick up Carter because Kyle was gone. After driving to the school, I climbed out of my truck and walked inside. I walked down to the principal's office and the secretary let me into the room. I casually walked in and Carter looked up at me with shame in his eyes. I looked at the principal and ব্যক্ত as I grabbed Carter's arm "I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I assure আপনি that it won't happen again." She ব্যক্ত "he suspended for a week of school. I'll see আপনি then."
After Carter and I got into the truck, he looked at me in silence and I looked at him and he ব্যক্ত "please don't tell daddy mommy!" I asked "what did আপনি say in your classroom that got আপনি in trouble?" He ব্যক্ত "I told the teacher to shut the fuck up because she wouldn't stop complaining about my handwriting! Please don't tell daddy!" I rolled my eyes and ব্যক্ত "don't worry; I won't because I know how it feels to get into trouble and I'm not the type of parent that's going to punish you. It's no big deal; I'll figure something out so daddy doesn't suspect anything weird going on!"
When we pulled into the driveway, Kyle had already gotten প্রথমপাতা and had parked his car পরবর্তি to my parking spot. The two of us walked inside and Kyle asked "where have আপনি been AJ? আপনি know you're not supposed to be out of bed! Why is Carter with you?" I ব্যক্ত while thinking quickly "you must've forgotten that today starts April break for Carter! He doesn't have school for a whole week." Kyle ব্যক্ত "I've been so busy making sure that you're okay AJ that I must've forgotten all about it!" As Kyle walked away, Carter gave me a secretive high-five and ব্যক্ত "thanks for covering for me mommy!"
April 21, 2015,
I'm running out of things to do to keep myself busy because Kyle won't let me do anything other than stay up here in our bedroom all দিন every day! I decided to have him bring some of my childhood প্রথমপাতা চলচ্চিত্র for us to watch together. He put one of the চলচ্চিত্র in the VCR and pressed play:
Dated at the bottom of the screen January 5, 2005,
I was holding the camera and laughing hysterically as dad attempted to skateboard; but he could barely stand up on it. He ব্যক্ত "I don't know about this AJ! It doesn't look safe! I don't know how আপনি do this! It's moving around too much for me!" I ব্যক্ত "dad; come on! You're being such a wimp! Once আপনি get the hang of it, you'll be fine; trust me! It's not as hard as it looks!" He hopped off skateboard and ব্যক্ত "I'll stick to dancing. I'm afraid that if I keep trying to skateboard on that thing I will crack my head open!" I ব্যক্ত "you're going to be missing out; that's all I have to say about it." He ব্যক্ত "all I know about skateboarding is that I better not catch আপনি without your শিরস্ত্রাণ on!" I ব্যক্ত "yeah, yeah, yeah; I know dad! আপনি don't have to give me a lecture!" He ব্যক্ত "it may seem like I'm nagging you; but you'll thank me later!"
*Video ends*
I immediately started crying and Kyle asked "is it the pregnancy mood swings again?" I ব্যক্ত "my dad was supposed to be here! He shouldn't have died! Being pregnant again only makes me miss him আরো because it reminds me of how much he did for me when I was pregnant with Carter!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "I wish there was something I could do to make আপনি feel better! If আপনি don't want to watch anymore চলচ্ছবি we don't have to." I ব্যক্ত "I don't think I could handle watching another video with him in it. It's just too much for me to handle! I don't understand why I was just so mean to him when all he ever wanted was to make me a good person! I just keep going back to the দিন when I pretty much ditched him with Carter to go get drunk with some of my friends! I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't a good mom at all of the beginning! My dad pretty much took care of him on his own while I slept all দিন and drank all night! I hate to say it; but if my dad wasn't around to take care of Carter those last few months before he passed away I don't think I would have Carter today! He would probably be in the foster care system because I wouldn't have taken care of him! Looking back on it now, I treated my dad like a personal babysitter and I should have appreciated everything that he's done for me over the years! It wasn't fair to him! He didn't want to be a dad again and basically he was because I wasn't taking care of my son!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "you really need to stop beating yourself up for that! That happened a long time পূর্বে and আপনি heard what the psychic said! Your dad forgives আপনি and he doesn't want আপনি to feel guilty about stuff that happened before he died!" I ব্যক্ত "I just don't understand why he had to die when I was only 15 years old and a teenage mother on শীর্ষ of that! He left me at the worst possible time and I wasn't at all prepared for the reality of how the real world worked! Anytime I ever got in trouble before, he would come to my rescue and now he isn't here anymore to protect me from how awful the world can be!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "I know that if he had the choice to stay alive he would still be here! He even told আপনি through the psychic that he wasn't ready to leave this world!" I ব্যক্ত "I would do anything just to hug him one আরো time!"
April 25, 2015,
Kyle came and asked with irritation in his voice "how long were আপনি planning to lie to me?" I asked "what do আপনি mean?" He ব্যক্ত "Carter's school just called and asked me if we wanted someone to drop off the school work he's missed this week!" I ব্যক্ত "I knew আপনি would overreact and punish Carter from getting suspended! That's the whole reason I lied to আপনি in the first place!" He ব্যক্ত "I don't want this to turn into a fight because it's not good for আপনি অথবা the baby. All I'm saying is that if আপনি don't start punishing him soon for misbehaving it will only get worse." I ব্যক্ত "I realized that Kyle; but what he did wasn't that bad! I've done way worse when I was seven years old!"
Kyle called Carter into our bedroom and Kyle asked "how come আপনি didn't tell me that আপনি got suspended from school?" Carter ব্যক্ত "mommy ব্যক্ত it was no big deal! আপনি just need to mind your own business daddy!” My eyes widened in shock দ্বারা what had just come out of my son’s mouth. I ব্যক্ত "don't talk to your dad like that Carter." Kyle just rolled his eyes in disbelief as Carter walked out of the room.
May 3, 2015,
Kyle came out of Carter's bedroom and ব্যক্ত "I took the video game out of his room." I asked "why did আপনি do that?" He ব্যক্ত "because his teacher just called and he's been suspended again." I asked "what did he do this time?" Kyle ব্যক্ত "he ran off of school grounds during recess and the teacher couldn't find him!" I ব্যক্ত "maybe we should just take him out of school and start homeschooling him." Kyle ব্যক্ত "that's not going to fix the problem AJ! What he really needs is for one of us to discipline him and since আপনি won't let me do it you're going to have to!" I ব্যক্ত "disciplining him isn't going to make a difference. I don't see it as a big deal because the teachers found him. I'm not going to discipline him for that Kyle!" Kyle ব্যক্ত with irritation in his voice "so you're just going to leave me to pick up the pieces when you're gone on tour? I'll have to deal with him and a newborn baby all on my own; the way things are going he's going to be out of control দ্বারা the time আপনি leave! The principal ব্যক্ত she would drop him off for us because I can't trust আপনি to stay in বিছানা like you're supposed to!"
Before long, Carter walked through the door and Kyle looked at me; expecting me to do something. I walked Carter into his room and shut the door behind us. I sat down on the বিছানা পরবর্তি to him and ব্যক্ত "I can't believe আপনি walked off of school grounds Carter!" He ব্যক্ত "whatever" and flopped backwards onto the bed. I ব্যক্ত "it's not whatever Carter! Nobody knew where আপনি were and আপনি could have gotten hurt! Someone could've hurt আপনি অথবা kidnapped you! Do আপনি know how sad your dad and I would have been if we হারিয়ে গেছে you?" Carter chuckled and ব্যক্ত "I was only gone for a few মিনিট mommy!" I ব্যক্ত sternly "I don't find this funny at all and আপনি will be punished!" Carter ব্যক্ত "yeah right; আপনি wouldn't do that!" I asked "you want to bet?"
I removed the mounted flatscreen TV off of the দেওয়াল and walked out of the room. Once Carter realized what I was doing, he ran up to me and kicked me in my stomach right in front of Kyle. That's when Kyle flipped out! He shouted "DID আপনি JUST KICK YOUR MOTHER IN THE STOMACH?" Carter immediately started crying at the sound of Kyle raising his voice at him because he's never done that before. I ব্যক্ত "whoa Kyle; chill out! He's only seven!" Kyle ব্যক্ত "go to your room Carter!" Carter ran off to his room and slammed the door.
Kyle asked frantically "are আপনি okay? I can't believe he kicked আপনি in your stomach; you're pregnant!" I ব্যক্ত "I know you're scared for the baby; but that doesn't give আপনি any excuse to scream at Carter like that! আপনি saw his face; he was terrified of আপনি and still is! I didn't expect আপনি to traumatize him like that! He's never been exposed to that sort of reaction before! I don't appreciate আপনি অভিনয় like that towards him and I think আপনি should apologize to him! That was totally uncalled for!"
Kyle felt terrible as he walked into Carter's bedroom and saw him hysterically crying on his bed. Kyle knelt down পরবর্তি to him and ব্যক্ত "I didn't mean to scare আপনি Carter. I'm sorry buddy! আপনি just can't kick mommy in the stomach like that because it could've hurt the baby. That's the only reason why I screamed at you; but I won't do it again because I know it was wrong!" Carter sat up and ব্যক্ত "that was really scary how your face turned red!"
Kyle decided to leave the room because he was feeling awful and I think he actually wanted to cry. I sat down on the বিছানা and looked around the room. I proceeded to give my son a lecture; which is something I thought I would never do. I ব্যক্ত "if your behavior doesn't get better soon I'm going to start making আপনি go to school at home; like I had originally planned." Carter ব্যক্ত "but আপনি can't do that because I have so many friends! I প্রণয় going to school!" I ব্যক্ত "if I want to do that than I have the right as your mother to do so." Carter asked eagerly "if I say I'm sorry for getting suspended from school and kicking আপনি do I get my TV back?" I ব্যক্ত "yes; a week from now! Nice try though!"
I shut Carter's bedroom door after setting him up with a game on my laptop. I stood outside the doorway and slid my back down the দেওয়াল as I sat down on the ground. Kyle came over with tears in his eyes and sat down পরবর্তি to me. He put his arm around me and ব্যক্ত "I'm so sorry AJ! I never intended to scream at him like that! I guess I just got caught up in the moment and overreacted!" I stared off into মহাকাশ and Kyle asked "what's wrong?" I ব্যক্ত softly under my breath "I just realized how much I sounded like my dad when I was punishing Carter just now. Oh my God; that's freaking me out! I sounded exactly like he did when he was punishing me!" Kyle laughed and ব্যক্ত "I bet আপনি never thought in 1 million years that আপনি would lecture your son just like your dad did with আপনি for 15 years!"
May 13, 2015,
I was going through some old stuff in the attic while Carter looked through some boxes for something to play with. He came across a book and passed it to me. I asked "what's this buddy?" He ব্যক্ত "I don't know; but it has your name on it. I looked at the front cover of what appeared to be a ছবি album with the words "daddy's little tomboy" written in marker across the top.
Carter sat on my lap as I started to flip through the pages. He pointed to a picture of dad and I in the swimming pool and asked "who is that? Why are they in our swimming pool?" I ব্যক্ত as I chuckled "that's me when I was your age and your Papa!" He asked with a puzzled look on his face "why are আপনি guys in our swimming pool?" I ব্যক্ত "this is where I grew up Carter! My daddy raised me here just like daddy and I are raising আপনি here!" Carter joked "you grew up mommy? আপনি still act like a big kid!" I smiled and ব্যক্ত "yeah; I guess I really didn't grow up after all!"
As we looked at the various photos, Carter asked "what was your daddy like?" I just sat there in silence for what felt like forever trying to process what he had just asked me. I ব্যক্ত as a single tear ran down my face "he was the best daddy ever!" He asked "why are আপনি crying mommy?" I ব্যক্ত "it's okay to cry." I wiped my tear filled eyes as Carter asked "do আপনি have any good stories আপনি can tell me about Papa?" I moved the two of us off of the ground and sat down with Carter still on my lap in a really comfortable reclining chair. I ব্যক্ত "plenty of good stories!" Carter asked "can আপনি tell me some of them?" I ব্যক্ত "of course I will!"
I started দ্বারা saying "I remember one time when I was almost 3 when your Papa took me to Disneyland right before uncle Prince was born. It was only the সেকেন্ড time I ever remember going to Disneyland and I remember that I was scared of Mickey Mouse. I wouldn't let go of your Papa's leg and was screaming at the শীর্ষ of my lungs! Then he would whisper in my ear and tell me that everything was going to be okay! That he would never let anything happen to me! That there was nothing to be afraid of because he was there to protect me!" I started crying hysterically with Carter still on my lap as I recalled those exact words coming out of my father's mouth.
I moved Carter off of my lap and said" I'm sorry Carter; I can't talk about him anymore! I'll be back in a few minutes. Why don't আপনি go watch TV in your room for a while? I'm going to go to my room. Carter ব্যক্ত "I'm sorry I made আপনি cry mommy."
I ran up to our bedroom just as Kyle was getting dressed and collapsed onto the বিছানা in a mess of emotions that Kyle had never witnessed coming from me before. He lay down পরবর্তি to me and asked "oh my God; what's wrong babe?" I started hyperventilating and forced out of the words "I think – I'm having – a panic – attack!" He ব্যক্ত "just take deep breaths; calm down!" I ব্যক্ত "I can't do this without my dad!" Kyle asked "you can't do what without your dad?" I ব্যক্ত "I can't live life without him!" He ব্যক্ত "yes আপনি can! You've been doing pretty good!" I ব্যক্ত "he was supposed to be there for all of this! We got married and he wasn't physically there! I'm going to be having another baby and he won't even get to meet Addison! Carter doesn't even know really who his grandfather is; even though I tried so hard to keep his memory alive. I guess I just don't want to let my dad go! I can't be at peace with him being gone! Okay; I admit it! I needed him and I still need him! I JUST WANT MY DADDY; THAT'S ALL I WANT! I JUST WANT HIM TO HOLD ME! I KNOW I'M 21 YEARS OLD; BUT I JUST WANT HIM TO HOLD ME LIKE I'M FIVE YEARS OLD AGAIN AND NEVER LET GO! I don't miss my dad; I MISS MY DADDY! The daddy that tucked me into বিছানা every night; even when I was a teenager he still did that! The daddy that always told me that he loved me; no matter what I did! The daddy that cut my খাবার for me when I was little! The daddy that tied my shoes for me and then spent hours teaching me how to tie them on my own! The daddy that consoled me when I woke up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream! The daddy that wiped my –." Kyle widened his eyes with an awkward look on his face and ব্যক্ত "I can see where this is going!" I burst out laughing and ব্যক্ত "I was going to say nose!" Kyle breathed sigh of relief and ব্যক্ত "oh thank God!" I ব্যক্ত as I chuckled "I'm not excluding what আপনি thought as a possibility when I was younger he did do that; when I was a toddler! Anyway; my point is that I realized that I don't miss my dad at all! Who I really miss is my daddy! The sad thing is that I pushed my daddy away a long time ago; when he was still alive! He would always try to reconnect with me after I turned into a teenager; but I didn't want to spend any time with him!"
Kyle moved me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me. He ব্যক্ত "I know that I'll never be as good as Michael was; but I'm not going anywhere! Everything is going to be okay and আপনি can do this! We can do this! You're not alone!"
September 22, 2015,
I shook Kyle out of the deep sleep he was in and ব্যক্ত "it's time Kyle!" He asked as he yawned "time for me to get আপনি some আরো food?" I ব্যক্ত "no; it's time for আপনি to take me to the hospital! I woke up a few মিনিট পূর্বে to go to the bathroom and my water broke when I got back into bed."
Kyle immediately jumped out of বিছানা and ব্যক্ত "oh my God! What are we going to do with Carter?" I ব্যক্ত "my brother’s phone number is on speed dial and I already told him to be prepared to come over here and watch Carter if this happened in the middle of the night. Don't worry; I already called him and he's on his way. Actually, I think he just pulled into the driveway.
Kyle did something that I definitely wasn't expecting. He picked me up and cradled me in his arms as he ran out the door. Prince asked as he chuckled "what the heck are আপনি carrying AJ for Kyle? Her water broke; she's not paralyzed!" Kyle ব্যক্ত frantically "there's no time to talk; we're having a baby anytime now!" Kyle practically threw the house keys out of the car window as we sped down the road. Kyle asked "are আপনি okay? The baby isn't coming yet is it?" I ব্যক্ত "don't worry; she's not going anywhere unless I start pushing." Kyle ব্যক্ত "whatever আপনি do; please don't push! I don't want to be another news story about a father her delivers his baby on the side of the road!" I ব্যক্ত "calm down Kyle; I'm আরো calm than আপনি are and I'm in a lot of pain!" He ব্যক্ত "sorry; I'm just excited and nervous all at once!"
After a nurse took us to a hospital room, we sat there waiting for the doctor to come in. After she arrived, she ব্যক্ত "oh my God; this baby is going to come out any সেকেন্ড now! আপনি didn't start pushing yet; did you?" I ব্যক্ত "no; why?" She ব্যক্ত "the baby's head in already all the way out! I have a feeling you're only going to need to push once! I was going to offer আপনি the epidural; but there's no time!" I ব্যক্ত as I recalled the tremendous pain I was in from giving birth to Carter without the epidural "I don't want to do this without some sort of numbing medication!" She ব্যক্ত "you don't really have a choice at this point! We just have to get this baby out as soon as possible! Trust me; it's not going to be as bad as the first time because all আপনি need is push a little bit and the baby will be out."
Sure enough, without even really trying; our daughter was brought into this world. Kyle looked over and ব্যক্ত "she has my hair; she's pretty much bald though.” One of the nurses passed her to Kyle and he started to cry as he looked down at her. He brought her up to me and ব্যক্ত "here's our little miracle baby! Addison Avery Lester." I took her out of his arms and ব্যক্ত "I can't believe আপনি and I created something so beautiful together!" The Doctor ব্যক্ত "she seems really healthy; আপনি can go প্রথমপাতা with her today if আপনি want to!"
After signing a release form, Kyle and I walked out to his car and he started trying to figure out how to install the car seat. I chuckled as he ট্যাঙ্গেল্ড himself up with the seatbelt in the back আসন and ব্যক্ত "I thought আপনি would've practiced this a few times; before we brought her home!" He ব্যক্ত "I think I figured it out; go ahead." I buckled her into the car আসন after sitting down পরবর্তি to it and Kyle started the car.
I ব্যক্ত "I have a feeling that Carter will be sleeping still; দ্বারা the time we get back to the house. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I don't think we shouldWake him up." Kyle ব্যক্ত "Prince must've woken him up because I can see him through the windows in front of the house and he's watching TV."
Kyle walked behind me while he carried the car আসন with Addison inside it. Carter waited patiently while Prince took his niece over to him. Carter held Addison for a lot longer than I expected him to. He ব্যক্ত "I'm so excited that I'm a big brother!" I ব্যক্ত "that means you're going to have to help take care of Addison with daddy while I'm on tour starting in a few months. That reminds me of something; Kyle when are আপনি going to start decorating Paris's old bedroom into the nursery for Addison?" He ব্যক্ত "Addison can stay in our room until after আপনি leave on tour and that way it can be a surprise for আপনি when আপনি get home. Trust me; it'll be worth the wait! I'm going to make the most perfect nursery anyone could ever imagine for my little girl! In the meantime, let's appreciate the last four months before আপনি leave on your tour because after that I'm going to be taking care of two kids all on my own for nine months straight. Surprisingly, I'm looking অগ্রবর্তী to it!"
