It was not easy. At all. The pretending was clearly a desperate act of surviving and self preservation, as Jenna once said.
অভিনয় as if anything had happened, as if she hadn't kissed Damon—again—then treated him like dirt, and saw him being on the rebound to Rebekah's arms. Not that she cared that much though. অভিনয় as if Klaus and all those original vamps were not out there, trying to kill her অথবা the Salvatores at any time, অথবা whatever it is they do in their free time in Mystic Falls. অভিনয় as if Bonnie hadn't wanted to see her, because everything was her fault, অভিনয় as if she hadn't হারিয়ে গেছে her best friend because she always needed to be saved at some point. It all hurts because they might think that it was easy for her to be here having both Salvatore brothers to protect her... but it wasn't. She had had to give up the most important things she had in life: she had হারিয়ে গেছে her parents—biological and adoptive—, she had হারিয়ে গেছে Jenna, she had হারিয়ে গেছে Jeremy even though she told herself that he was faraway for it was the best.
But above all, she had হারিয়ে গেছে him. She had হারিয়ে গেছে Stefan.
Elena look into the night from her window. She has been sitting there for at least two hours and it was already dark. She was getting all broody lately, and though she had a lot to think about, to write about in her journal, she simply wasn't able to form any word in it. So, she closed it and threw it into her bed. She was getting hungry all of a sudden.
The house was in a complete silence since Jeremy was gone, and Rick didn't প্রদর্শনী up last night to check up on her as he usually did. He was probably at his প্রথমপাতা now that Elena was all দ্বারা herself; it wouldn't look good that the History teacher was living alone with one of his students. Straight to the রান্নাঘর without thinking twice and to the fridge. Great! I've been so busy trying to stay alive that I've forgotten that I also need to eat, not that I am a vampire অথবা anything. Just a চকোলেট ice cream pot... Well, Elena, go for it...calories are the least of your problems right now. Closing the fridge and there's Damon, giving her the fright of the বছর and smiling at her:
"Shoot! আপনি scared me! Can আপনি just knock like normal people?"
"I am not normal, and I am certainly not a people," he ব্যক্ত with an obvious look.
"Right, my bad. What do আপনি want this time, then? Is there any evil plan to ruin for the killer family?" she asked trying to avoid his eyes, but it's not like it's going to work.
"Haven't heard from any of them since I turned Mamma Witch into a vampire. My guess: they are gone", he said. Elena just looked at him for a couple of seconds. "What?"
"Did আপনি really have to do it? Did আপনি really have to turn her into a vampire?"
"Of course, the other option was to kill her, and that would have been fatal for my friendship বৃত্ত which is too large for my taste actually. Believe me, I am not a Benet liker, but they kind of piss really off when a vampire kills them. So, I thought this might be better."
"Yeah, I used to do that a lot lately."
"Nice to hear that all this chaos is helping আপনি with your personality issues."
" I do not have any personality issue."
"Yeah, আপনি do".
"No, I don't. I am a vampire, so that kind of sums it all up."
"Meaning that আপনি can be forgiven for everything?"
"Think what please আপনি the most, Elena. আপনি know I really don't care."
"What are আপনি doing here anyway? Don't আপনি have a big mansion to be at?" she asked while finally opening the can of চকোলেট ice cream.
"I was just in the neighborhood, thought to stop দ্বারা and see how আপনি were".
"I am fine, as আপনি can see, all my limbs are here, so... আপনি can go back to that little bitchy vamp girlfriend of yours now" she blurted.
"WOW, WOW! Wait a second! OK. Granted: Rebekah might be a bitch, but is a hot vamp bitch!" Elena just rolled her eyes at the comment. "Besides, আপনি knew how I feel about আপনি after we kissed, I mean, I kissed আপনি first..."
"So no the point Damon!"
"Okaayy! But then you... you... set perfectly clear that that was it, right?" he ব্যক্ত wanting to look angry but with still those astonishing blue eyes looking with warm at her.
Just let it go. I have no right to hold any grudge, he's free to do whatever he wants. Why am I doing this? I don't really care that much if he's having sex with the bloody vamp! Well, actually I did, but just a little... I would care a lot আরো if it were Stefan instead...Stop it, Elena!
"I... I am sorry, Damon. I shouldn't have ব্যক্ত that to you. It's just that..."
"Let's talk about this like adults. আপনি felt that way for one reason only: because আপনি have feelings for me, right?" he was already পরবর্তি to her, looking so intensely into her eyes that she thought he was compelling her to do something. "I know আপনি do, we both know that, even the broody Stefan knows that, আপনি just have to let my brother go".
"It's easier ব্যক্ত than done" she blurted. "I didn't mean what I ব্যক্ত at the party also, I am sorry about that too. I was... angry because..." she stopped herself before saying something stupid. "But আপনি know how much I care about you..."
"Don't give me that crap, Elena! I don't want আপনি to care about me! I want আপনি to প্রণয় me! The same way I প্রণয় you". His last words were like a whisper. They all sounded আরো like his last chance to make her see through him, to give a final opportunity to his feelings for her.
"I... I..." she just couldn't ব্যক্ত a word after watching him confess like this...again.
Damon took some steps back, with a hurt look after she failed to say the words back to him. For the সেকেন্ড time in less than 24 hours he confessed to her that he loved her, and the outcomes have not been pleasant both times. This was not him, he could not be humiliating himself again for a woman who seemed not to প্রণয় him back. He was doomed with unrequited প্রণয় for the rest of eternity. He hated himself for falling again for his brother's girlfriend, he wasn't supposed to do that, not after the Katherine thing, but he just couldn't help it. And damn Stephan! He was so damn chivalrous, perfect and pure... and still in প্রণয় with her. But his brother was still mourning over the collateral damages of his tour with Klaus around the coast, over the things he did to Elena that he couldn't see the reality of all this. But that's just Stefan, he just couldn't help to be like that, and she liked that about him, and respected him for that. Damon wanted to fight all the demons of his heart, to turn off the switch to feel about her nothing আরো than friendship, but feelings were troublesome things, even when আপনি are a bloody vampire.
Elena looked at him and knew that this was the moment to clear things up between them. Everything has turned so blurry because she hadn't openly talked about it, but she thought it was not necessary. They were looking for Stefan, his brother, her boyfriend. There was nothing to talk about. He knew that she was in প্রণয় with his brother, but at some point he kept being there for her all the way, and Stefan wasn't. Not that he didn't want to. She saw him struggling with his feelings and he looked up and gave her one of his melting smiles.
"You knew it, আপনি always knew it so don't pretend it was a newsflash for you. Since Isobelle told you. I always tried to fight it, because I didn't want the story to be repeated, but it's hard, Elena... even for me."
"Damon... I just thought it could be a silly crush because I look just like Katherine and আপনি loved her so much..."
"Also did Stefan, and there আপনি were, with him."
"He proved that he loved ME, and not a copy of Katherine. He proved that I was not a replacement."
"You are not a replacement for me either, Elena."
"Stop lying to yourself, Damon! আপনি spent 145 years looking for a woman, a woman who looked exactly like me, a woman আপনি were madly in প্রণয় with, and আপনি want me to believe that there's no connection in your feelings for me?"
"You just ব্যক্ত the magic word: WERE. I was in প্রণয় with her, but now..." he drew closer then, and Elena hold her breath but did not move. "Now I am in প্রণয় with you, Elena."
But I am still in প্রণয় with Stefan, I know that for sure now.
"Damon..." she started to say but couldn't finished because his lips were already on hers, tasting and trying and wanting her desperately.
But she couldn't answer him back this time. Stefan was in her mind all the time. That hurt look in his face when she told him that she had kissed Damon, that look was real, maybe because he never thought that the story will be repeated. It pained her saw him like that, and she does not want to do it again. She broke the চুম্বন and still felt Damon's hands on her face, his eyes intently looking at her. He deserved the truth. No আরো longing, no আরো gray areas between their relationship, no আরো hopes.
"Listen to me, Damon..."
"You know I never listen to anyone..."
"Listen to me, Damon, please," she took his hands and hold them in hers, away from her face and looked at him in the eyes. "I am going to say this just once because I don't want to hurt you, confuse আপনি অথবা give আপনি any hope. I care about you, a lot, you've become my friend, one of my best বন্ধু I could say, my protector, my saving অ্যাঞ্জেল sometimes, I even consider আপনি as another brother...
"A sister don't চুম্বন her brother, Elena"...he interrupted her.
"Seriously. আপনি can not চুম্বন me again. I don't want আপনি to do it."
Damon stared at her, but he saw some determination in her eyes and his voice. He freed his hands from hers. It was time then for her to admit her feelings for his brother.
"Don't play this game, Damon, please. আপনি know why."
"I want আপনি to say it."
"I can't do this anymore. I think it's best if we stop believing we are in some kind of a platonic relationship, because we are not."
"You are avoiding the answer, Elena."
"No, I am... আপনি heard me right. I won't be in the middle of two brothers because it's not right, and because it's not what I want. As I told আপনি once before: I am not Katherine."there were a couple of সেকেন্ড of silence and she resumed talking "Now, I think that it is better if আপনি go..."
"The hell I am going now! আপনি just opened Pandora's box, now face it. I want আপনি to tell me what you've been holding so long. Those feelings, emotions..."
"What do আপনি want to hear?" she asked confused.
"The truth! That would be a good way to finish this আপনি ব্যক্ত আপনি wanted to end. I think I deserve it after all."
Elena stared at him for a moment then looked to the floor. She took some deep breaths and looked back at him. She was a fool to think it was going to be easy. Nothing was ever easy with Damon.
"The truth is that I still প্রণয় your brother. I প্রণয় Stefan. That's the only truth I can give you. I still প্রণয় him, and I would do anything in my power to get him back to me. It doesn't matter how much I would choose to let him go, my হৃদয় just won't do it. And I can't go against the desires of my heart, Damon, আপনি of all people should know that. I never meant to cause any pain to you, অথবা any of my friends, my family..." at this point she was feeling her eyes pooling with water, but she fight them back. "I just don't know what to do anymore..."
Damon step away from her and slowly started his way to the living room. This was the end of his dream, a dream he never thought could come true, but still had the hope. She had kissed him too. That hadn't been a dream, but he hoped so much that her প্রণয় for his brother ended, and he was being a complete fool for believing so. She loved him even after telling her that he was a vampire, even after he fed on that blond girl at the founder's দিন ball in front of her, even after he left with Klaus, broke up with her and tried to fed on her as well. Even after he threatened to kill her. Such kind of প্রণয় never dies, Klaus had said. But he hoped it did. He was mistaken all along to think that. And now... all he could feel was freedom. A weird sensation. All things cleared up. He thought he should probably be feeling sadder, but he wasn't. In some way, he felt free from his feelings for her, and that freedom felt good. He decided it was time to change his life...or unlife... অথবা whatever.
"I don't think there's much আপনি can do at all. Anyway, the real reason for me to be here is that we want আপনি to সরানো to the house, I mean, our house...or is it still yours? I can't remember exactly now..." he saw her frown trying to think about what he had just said.
"Move Elena, আপনি know, carry your stuff to our big mansion? There's plenty of মহাকাশ there for just the two of us, and আপনি don't have to be here all দ্বারা yourself, and we can keep an eye on আপনি আরো closely".
"No, I don't... need that. I am perfectly fine here."
"God, আপনি are so predictable! Thought that আপনি might have a better excuse.
"Sorry, the truth is that we all know আপনি are not fine, not even close, my dear doppelganger."
"Don't call me that. And I don't want আপনি to worry that much about me."
"Trust me, we already are worried about you, and in this way, I don't need to interrupt my drinking hours to watch out for you. And Stefan wouldn't have to stay out there until night falls."
"What did আপনি just say"?
"That I hate having to leave my whiskey home."
"Can আপনি not do that for a moment? What's that of Stefan outside until night falls?"
" Yeah... about that..." He just ব্যক্ত too much. "He was supposed to tell you, in fact he probably will since I am not here anymore because I have errands to make..."
"Wait! Errands? Really? Are আপনি that bad at changing a topic of conversation?
"I went to Ric's apartment this morning to see how he was doing after that late concussion Klaus gave him, but he wasn't there. He's probably at his psycho doc's apartment, so I am heading there".
"Have আপনি tried calling him?"
"Of course. Voice mail. Not Ric's style, at all. The guy believes he's a secretary and pick up all his calls. Especially mine since I am so much fun to be around."
"Seriously, Damon. Do আপনি think something happened to him?"Elena asked starting to look worried now.
"I don't know but I'll find out." he made a pause. "That's why Stefan is coming to help আপনি to move." saying this he headed to the front door and opened it to step outside, but before closing it he popped his head inside. "A tip of advice: tell him what আপনি just ব্যক্ত to me."