I managed to get out of the house, with Dad and Kara thinking I was going to work. But instead, I went to Blake's house. He took me to the horse ranch again, and we rode horses. It was much easier than the first time.
After that though, I decided I should probably take my punishment. I stayed প্রথমপাতা all day, except the days I was actually working of course. Also with my punishment, I became Hera's chauffeur. I was stuck driving her to the movies, with a discount because of my employment there, to her friends' houses, and wherever else she wanted to go basically. She was so annoying. I took my punishment graciously though; I knew I deserved it.
Some days however, I'd have Blake over if everyone else was gone. Sometimes I also used this time to have something to drink. Blake did not approve of this.
"Didn't আপনি learn?" he sighed. I took a sip.
"What do আপনি mean?" He raised his eyebrows at me.
"You drink a lot..." I opened my mouth to object, but he stopped me. "You almost died a few weeks পূর্বে because of it. Why don't আপনি stop?" he asked. He sounded kind of annoyed. I folded my arms defensively.
"I just over did it that one time. I'm fine with it now." He stared at me for a while. "What?"
"I think আপনি need to stop," he said. I pursed my lips.
"And if I don't want to?" I countered.
"I'll tell your father," he ব্যক্ত quietly. How childish. Tell my dad? Still, it striked fear into my core. I frowned. "Sorry," he shrugged. "But if it helps you..." I sighed, eyeing the bottle on the counter. It had been a great release when I was with Drew, did I really truly need it now?
"I'll try," I said. Blake kissed my forehead.
"Thank you."
***
I regretted agreeing to any of this. After two weeks, I was ready to die, to put it lightly. Ok, maybe that's a little dramatic, but I felt like I was losing my mind. Dad and Kara thought I was just being moody because I was grounded for so long; they don't even know the half of it. I didn't want to have Blake over anymore. I was afraid I'd lash out at him and just upset him. I had to nearly hold my breath at work; people are so rude.
Then finally, it'd been two months, and I was free from punishment. Still, it didn't make me feel any better.
"You've been doing well," Blake observed one দিন after school. I hadn't hung out with him since I decided to quit drinking, and now that I was free, he wanted to see me. He had no idea how much of a fight I was putting up.
"Mhmm..." I sighed, avoiding eye contact.
"I'm proud of you," he said, pulling me into a hug. Then something in me just snapped. I pushed him away (he didn't budge, but took a step back on his own), and put my palms over my eyes, trying to take a deep breath.
"I hate this!" I shouted. Everything I'd held inside started to just pour out. For about a half ঘন্টা I ranted on and on about how it wasn't fair; and how it's too hard; it's driving me insane, and all that I felt about this crap. Then finally, I finished. I took a deep breath. Blake had been very quiet the whole time.
"Irina, I think আপনি need help." I plopped down on the couch, exasperated. I groaned.
"I'm fine!" I insisted. He ran his hand through my hair calmly.
"I heard the community center offers AA meetings," he ব্যক্ত quietly. I stood up and folded my arms, shaking my head.
"No. There's no way in hell I'm going there."
***
"I can't believe you're making me do this," I growled through my teeth. Blake opened the passenger door of his truck, and gestured for me to get out. I took a long sigh, then hopped out. He took my hand in his and guided me to the front door of the community center.
Inside, there were about ten other people. Most were adults, but there was a young boy there, maybe only a বছর older than me. Blake sat with me through the whole thing. People went up to the front of the room, and basicaly talked about how they began drinking, how long they've been sober, and all about their journey through it. My হৃদয় was racing the whole time, then my turn came up. Amazingly, the people there seemed interested in what I had to say. They offered উপদেশ and connections.
"See, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Blake asked as we left afterwards. I pursed my lips.
"I still didn't like it," I muttered. He hugged me.
"Well, if আপনি just need to go for a while, and just keep up everything you've been doing, soon আপনি won't have to go anymore." I rolled my eyes.
***
I continued going to AA meetings, and soon they weren't that bad. I went three times a week. My excuses were that Blake and I were hanging out. Dad didn't like it, but Kara thought it was fine, so they let me go. I didn't bother to tell them where I was really going; it was too long of a story, and I had just gotten un-grounded and did not want to go down that road again.
Then one day, Blake and I were at a meeting (he likes to come with), when my cellphone rang.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Irina, Kara's in the hospital. The baby's coming," Dad said. It took about a full মিনিট for me to process that. It felt so surreal. I hung up without a word. All of a sudden, I felt resentment towards Dad and Kara. It just reopened the wounds I had gotten when they first started dating. I shook the thoughts out of my head. No. Kara was a great person, and it wasn't fair of me to hate her for this.
"What's wrong?" Blake whispered.
"We've got to go to the hospital," I said. The drive there was fairly quiet, with a couple প্রশ্ন from Blake. I provided one word answers; I just wasn't in the mood for talking. My হৃদয় was racing.
Soon, we arrived at the hospital. We were sent to the waiting room, where we ran into Hera sitting দ্বারা herself.
"Mom's having the baby," she said. I nodded. Hera had already adjusted, and called Dad by, well, "Dad." I still wasn't sure I could start calling Kara "Mom" yet, if not ever. We sat there in silence for a while; Blake held my hand in his comfortingly. Then about an ঘন্টা later, Dad came out. He smiled softly at us.
"Come on in kids," he ব্যক্ত quietly. The three of us followed him into the room. Kara laid in the hospital bed, holding something small and noisy. She smiled weakly at us. We huddled around her. to see the tiny little baby crying in her arms.
"This is your new baby sister, Desiree," she said. She looked up at me. "Do আপনি want to hold her?" I never liked little kids much. They were so noisy and annoying. Of course, I'd never been around শিশুরা much, but still they didn't interest me. But the little infant she held in her arms seemed different. She was my sister. I nodded. She carefully passed the little baby into my arms. She weighed পরবর্তি to nothing, wrapped in a faded পরাকাষ্ঠা blanket with a matching hat.
As I held her in my arms, a strange feeling came over me. I felt like I knew her already. It was weird. I couldn't help but think she was the same baby that would've been born years ago. She stopped crying, and yawned, her mouth forming a tiny "o."
"Aw! She's so cute!" Hera shouted in a whisper. Desiree made some "mmmmm" noises, as if in agreement. I smiled.
She was perfect.
After that though, I decided I should probably take my punishment. I stayed প্রথমপাতা all day, except the days I was actually working of course. Also with my punishment, I became Hera's chauffeur. I was stuck driving her to the movies, with a discount because of my employment there, to her friends' houses, and wherever else she wanted to go basically. She was so annoying. I took my punishment graciously though; I knew I deserved it.
Some days however, I'd have Blake over if everyone else was gone. Sometimes I also used this time to have something to drink. Blake did not approve of this.
"Didn't আপনি learn?" he sighed. I took a sip.
"What do আপনি mean?" He raised his eyebrows at me.
"You drink a lot..." I opened my mouth to object, but he stopped me. "You almost died a few weeks পূর্বে because of it. Why don't আপনি stop?" he asked. He sounded kind of annoyed. I folded my arms defensively.
"I just over did it that one time. I'm fine with it now." He stared at me for a while. "What?"
"I think আপনি need to stop," he said. I pursed my lips.
"And if I don't want to?" I countered.
"I'll tell your father," he ব্যক্ত quietly. How childish. Tell my dad? Still, it striked fear into my core. I frowned. "Sorry," he shrugged. "But if it helps you..." I sighed, eyeing the bottle on the counter. It had been a great release when I was with Drew, did I really truly need it now?
"I'll try," I said. Blake kissed my forehead.
"Thank you."
***
I regretted agreeing to any of this. After two weeks, I was ready to die, to put it lightly. Ok, maybe that's a little dramatic, but I felt like I was losing my mind. Dad and Kara thought I was just being moody because I was grounded for so long; they don't even know the half of it. I didn't want to have Blake over anymore. I was afraid I'd lash out at him and just upset him. I had to nearly hold my breath at work; people are so rude.
Then finally, it'd been two months, and I was free from punishment. Still, it didn't make me feel any better.
"You've been doing well," Blake observed one দিন after school. I hadn't hung out with him since I decided to quit drinking, and now that I was free, he wanted to see me. He had no idea how much of a fight I was putting up.
"Mhmm..." I sighed, avoiding eye contact.
"I'm proud of you," he said, pulling me into a hug. Then something in me just snapped. I pushed him away (he didn't budge, but took a step back on his own), and put my palms over my eyes, trying to take a deep breath.
"I hate this!" I shouted. Everything I'd held inside started to just pour out. For about a half ঘন্টা I ranted on and on about how it wasn't fair; and how it's too hard; it's driving me insane, and all that I felt about this crap. Then finally, I finished. I took a deep breath. Blake had been very quiet the whole time.
"Irina, I think আপনি need help." I plopped down on the couch, exasperated. I groaned.
"I'm fine!" I insisted. He ran his hand through my hair calmly.
"I heard the community center offers AA meetings," he ব্যক্ত quietly. I stood up and folded my arms, shaking my head.
"No. There's no way in hell I'm going there."
***
"I can't believe you're making me do this," I growled through my teeth. Blake opened the passenger door of his truck, and gestured for me to get out. I took a long sigh, then hopped out. He took my hand in his and guided me to the front door of the community center.
Inside, there were about ten other people. Most were adults, but there was a young boy there, maybe only a বছর older than me. Blake sat with me through the whole thing. People went up to the front of the room, and basicaly talked about how they began drinking, how long they've been sober, and all about their journey through it. My হৃদয় was racing the whole time, then my turn came up. Amazingly, the people there seemed interested in what I had to say. They offered উপদেশ and connections.
"See, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Blake asked as we left afterwards. I pursed my lips.
"I still didn't like it," I muttered. He hugged me.
"Well, if আপনি just need to go for a while, and just keep up everything you've been doing, soon আপনি won't have to go anymore." I rolled my eyes.
***
I continued going to AA meetings, and soon they weren't that bad. I went three times a week. My excuses were that Blake and I were hanging out. Dad didn't like it, but Kara thought it was fine, so they let me go. I didn't bother to tell them where I was really going; it was too long of a story, and I had just gotten un-grounded and did not want to go down that road again.
Then one day, Blake and I were at a meeting (he likes to come with), when my cellphone rang.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Irina, Kara's in the hospital. The baby's coming," Dad said. It took about a full মিনিট for me to process that. It felt so surreal. I hung up without a word. All of a sudden, I felt resentment towards Dad and Kara. It just reopened the wounds I had gotten when they first started dating. I shook the thoughts out of my head. No. Kara was a great person, and it wasn't fair of me to hate her for this.
"What's wrong?" Blake whispered.
"We've got to go to the hospital," I said. The drive there was fairly quiet, with a couple প্রশ্ন from Blake. I provided one word answers; I just wasn't in the mood for talking. My হৃদয় was racing.
Soon, we arrived at the hospital. We were sent to the waiting room, where we ran into Hera sitting দ্বারা herself.
"Mom's having the baby," she said. I nodded. Hera had already adjusted, and called Dad by, well, "Dad." I still wasn't sure I could start calling Kara "Mom" yet, if not ever. We sat there in silence for a while; Blake held my hand in his comfortingly. Then about an ঘন্টা later, Dad came out. He smiled softly at us.
"Come on in kids," he ব্যক্ত quietly. The three of us followed him into the room. Kara laid in the hospital bed, holding something small and noisy. She smiled weakly at us. We huddled around her. to see the tiny little baby crying in her arms.
"This is your new baby sister, Desiree," she said. She looked up at me. "Do আপনি want to hold her?" I never liked little kids much. They were so noisy and annoying. Of course, I'd never been around শিশুরা much, but still they didn't interest me. But the little infant she held in her arms seemed different. She was my sister. I nodded. She carefully passed the little baby into my arms. She weighed পরবর্তি to nothing, wrapped in a faded পরাকাষ্ঠা blanket with a matching hat.
As I held her in my arms, a strange feeling came over me. I felt like I knew her already. It was weird. I couldn't help but think she was the same baby that would've been born years ago. She stopped crying, and yawned, her mouth forming a tiny "o."
"Aw! She's so cute!" Hera shouted in a whisper. Desiree made some "mmmmm" noises, as if in agreement. I smiled.
She was perfect.
><
><
><
><
Tick, tick, tick
That sound, constant in my head,
A sound that haunts every mind,
A sound that brings fear,
A clock,
Ticking the সেকেন্ড of your life away,
Making life shorter and shorter with every tick,
Drawing death nearer and nearer,
But আপনি should not live in fear,
For life is too short for such a thing,
Some people waste these precious seconds,
Others treasure them, making sure that no tick is wasted,
The clock ticks on,
But as this sound is registered,
What do আপনি do?
Tick, tick, tick
Three আরো seconds, gone, like that,
Did আপনি use them well?
Live life,
For life is too short to spend these সেকেন্ড in hell.
><
><
><
Tick, tick, tick
That sound, constant in my head,
A sound that haunts every mind,
A sound that brings fear,
A clock,
Ticking the সেকেন্ড of your life away,
Making life shorter and shorter with every tick,
Drawing death nearer and nearer,
But আপনি should not live in fear,
For life is too short for such a thing,
Some people waste these precious seconds,
Others treasure them, making sure that no tick is wasted,
The clock ticks on,
But as this sound is registered,
What do আপনি do?
Tick, tick, tick
Three আরো seconds, gone, like that,
Did আপনি use them well?
Live life,
For life is too short to spend these সেকেন্ড in hell.
His Melody
To quiet the tears
She sings him to sleep
When the morning has dawned
He can’t be roused from a rest so deep
She sings him to sleep
Night after night
And when he does not awaken
Her will to go on grows slight
She sits and waits while he’s away
She remembers his laugh and smile
Oh what a joy to see his joy
She lifts up a prayer “May I see him in a short while?”
She sits at the window and waits
The sun sets slowly behind the পাহাড়
The others say hello but she doesn’t hear
She is waiting to make the tears still
The time has come she cannot wait
She sets out to see her boy
To stop the tears
To bring him joy
But the tears she stills are not his
They fall from her eyes
She sings his lullaby again tonight
As she kisses the stone and her son good bye
To quiet the tears
She sings him to sleep
When the morning has dawned
He can’t be roused from a rest so deep
She sings him to sleep
Night after night
And when he does not awaken
Her will to go on grows slight
She sits and waits while he’s away
She remembers his laugh and smile
Oh what a joy to see his joy
She lifts up a prayer “May I see him in a short while?”
She sits at the window and waits
The sun sets slowly behind the পাহাড়
The others say hello but she doesn’t hear
She is waiting to make the tears still
The time has come she cannot wait
She sets out to see her boy
To stop the tears
To bring him joy
But the tears she stills are not his
They fall from her eyes
She sings his lullaby again tonight
As she kisses the stone and her son good bye
Dear record of my misfortune I was correct. Today I walked into class and saw a huge pile of letters on my desk. When I opened them I realized that it was hate mail. It was so stupid, people were getting angry at me for what I did to Jessica when it was her fault! They were saying things like : Die এমো স্টাইল দুশ্চরিত্রা die, bitchy whore. That last মতামত doesn't even apply to me! I haven't even had my first চুম্বন and they are saying this stuff to me! There was one letter that was bot mean even though I don't know who sent it. Inside it ব্যক্ত ফুলেরসাজি are red violets are blue I don't now why they hurt you, if আপনি want I'll tell them to can it, all because I প্রণয় আপনি Janet. I don't know who wrote আপনি প্রণয় poem rhyme thing but I প্রণয় আপনি too!
Is It True আপনি Lie?
Is It True আপনি Hate Me?
Is It True আপনি Want Him?
Is It True You're My Best Friend?
Is It True আপনি Enjoy Hurting Me?
Is It True আপনি Like Me Crying?
Is It True আপনি Talk Behind My Back?
Is It True আপনি Tell People Our Bussiness?
Is It True I Hurt You?
Is It True আপনি Back Stabbed Me?
Is It True আপনি Let Me Believe The Lies?
Is It True আপনি Let Me Call আপনি My True Bestfriend When আপনি Weren't?
Is It True.....?
This is A Poem Hope Yuh Enjoy It Btw Tell Me What Yuh Think And This Is Just About Me Gettin Hurt After Being Stupid Enough To Believe Her Lies She Wasnt A True Bestfriend
Is It True আপনি Hate Me?
Is It True আপনি Want Him?
Is It True You're My Best Friend?
Is It True আপনি Enjoy Hurting Me?
Is It True আপনি Like Me Crying?
Is It True আপনি Talk Behind My Back?
Is It True আপনি Tell People Our Bussiness?
Is It True I Hurt You?
Is It True আপনি Back Stabbed Me?
Is It True আপনি Let Me Believe The Lies?
Is It True আপনি Let Me Call আপনি My True Bestfriend When আপনি Weren't?
Is It True.....?
This is A Poem Hope Yuh Enjoy It Btw Tell Me What Yuh Think And This Is Just About Me Gettin Hurt After Being Stupid Enough To Believe Her Lies She Wasnt A True Bestfriend
Her eyes were আগুন red,
as if they were
lit from anger.
I dont understand
why আপনি are
mad at me.
Why আপনি shoot
those harsh words
at me.
Aimed like bullets,
piercing my soul.
And It cant heal.
I never can dodge them.
The words hit me,
and I fall back.
My বন্ধু ask me:
"What's wrong?"
"Can I help?"
But they cant help.
Because I dont understand,
why আপনি are mad.
Why do আপনি have to do
what আপনি do to me?
Why does it give আপনি
joy to harm me?
Why?
Why are people bullies?
Why dont my বন্ধু take action?
Why cant আপনি tell me WHY?
as if they were
lit from anger.
I dont understand
why আপনি are
mad at me.
Why আপনি shoot
those harsh words
at me.
Aimed like bullets,
piercing my soul.
And It cant heal.
I never can dodge them.
The words hit me,
and I fall back.
My বন্ধু ask me:
"What's wrong?"
"Can I help?"
But they cant help.
Because I dont understand,
why আপনি are mad.
Why do আপনি have to do
what আপনি do to me?
Why does it give আপনি
joy to harm me?
Why?
Why are people bullies?
Why dont my বন্ধু take action?
Why cant আপনি tell me WHY?
Streetlamps, houses, gates, remotes, books, CDs and televisions. Brothers. Pairs. Each has a twin. In this chaotic place of materials the world has come to be, everything has a brother. But brothers are family. And family is connected somehow; if not দ্বারা blood, then দ্বারা what?
Energy.
Look hard. At everything that has a brother. A line of energy casts a connection between the two. The energy, with its harsh glares and cold looks creates the strongest and most complex bonds. Strong because of their brotherhood. Complex because of its invisibility. For there is power in invisibility. Cold, cruel power. The power to be a persecutor with no chance of being a victim. The power to twist and squeeze but not feel the wrenching pain of your twists.
Now, আপনি ask, what is left? Cruel, invisible energy. For a cruel, invisible world.
This is my first time লেখা in stream of consciousness. I know it's short but don't judge me too harshly.
Energy.
Look hard. At everything that has a brother. A line of energy casts a connection between the two. The energy, with its harsh glares and cold looks creates the strongest and most complex bonds. Strong because of their brotherhood. Complex because of its invisibility. For there is power in invisibility. Cold, cruel power. The power to be a persecutor with no chance of being a victim. The power to twist and squeeze but not feel the wrenching pain of your twists.
Now, আপনি ask, what is left? Cruel, invisible energy. For a cruel, invisible world.
This is my first time লেখা in stream of consciousness. I know it's short but don't judge me too harshly.