Genyva Salters
Cold Toes
Prologue
June 30, 2004
11:45 Open Door Eating
It’s the worst দিন in the world for a lunch date. I look like hell my light brown hair was frizzing like a poodle. Damn this humid summer, only in Texas the humidity 90% all the time. And this place is like a hut; all the hot air coming from the windows is blowing out the A/C. How is any one able to enjoy lunch when they are drinking the air?
I looked over to Ethan, who was making his way towards the table. We had been together so long in this little town. I প্রণয় it to death but I think its time to সরানো out. Greene, Texas has nothing to offer me in the medical field. Sure, the college has gotten me started but I want to be an oncologist, and its just not here. Both of my parents had cancer in there lifetime. I just wanted to help other people get through it.
“Hi Rachel, ” Ethan looked hansom, the humidity was gleaming off him. He lived here all his live, I, on the other hand, moved here my junior বছর in high school from San Francisco, California. It wasn’t just the way his perfectly tanned skin glistened in the humidity that made me fall for him, it was that dimple on his left cheek, the baby blue eyes with that messy black hair.
I stood to চুম্বন my wonderful boyfriend, “Hello Ethan, how are you?” I never ask stupid প্রশ্ন like this. The world has been trained to answer ‘good’ no matter what. Then again I always ask stupid প্রশ্ন when I'm nervous. I have no idea what is going on today and I'm sweating like a pig before the slaughterhouse.
“I'm good, আপনি look beautiful.” He smiled, and took a slip of water. Ha! I look beautiful, this dress is much too tight and I'm bloated. Can he not see the swear marks under my arms. I wasn’t looking all that great.
All through lunch Ethan was anxious. What could be oh his mind? He looked down in his lap and at his খাবার when he would talk. He was debating telling me something. Oh God, I think he knows about Justin.
Justin was his best friend and 2 weeks পূর্বে I accidentally slept with him. How do আপনি accidentally sleep with আপনি boyfriend’s best friend. We were at a party and I was drunk we had just got into a huge fight before. I left and went upstairs to a room and Justin was in there what was I suppose to do, talk about my feeling. I feel awful I want to tell him but its too much pain, I cant even thing about it.
“Ok I have to ask আপনি something,” he insisted. I don't think he knows. He wouldn’t be so calm. He would be much angrier. My হৃদয় began to pound when he reached over the টেবিল and held my hand. He looked in to my eyes. I didn’t know what I looked like right now. Frighten, nervous, panicked, they were all jumbled across my face. I curved my lips up into a smile, “What is it.” I ব্যক্ত moving a strand of hair behind my ear with my empty hand.
“I want to সরানো to Delaware with you,” he ব্যক্ত breathing heavily. “I know আপনি applied there for medical school so I decided I want to go with আপনি I mean we just graduated college, and I don’t need anymore school, so there is no point in staying here.” He went on about what his parents think, but I stopped listening.
He knew about Delaware. I didn’t even tell him, I wasn’t even sure if I got accepted to Harp Medical School. I had been looking at schools in the area and I applied to Marlon’s and Harrington’s just outside of the Huston metropolitan area hoping we could stay close to home. He was really going to be there for me. He was going to follow me in my hope to becoming a doctor. I felt my eyes water up, I bit my bottom lip and mid sentence, I leaned over the টেবিল and I kissed him. This was the sweetest thing any one has ever done for me.
“Wow I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet.” He mumbled as I sat back down. The best part, there was something better then this. What could be better following me wherever I decide to go? I lightly chucked and whipped the tear from my eye.
He stood up and kneeled beside me. Oh god no this was not happening “Rachel Brian, I প্রণয় আপনি with all my heart. I will do anything for you. আপনি are my life and I will follow আপনি wherever আপনি will go. Will আপনি merry me?” he held my ring, the ring I had dreamed of since I was a girl. A স্বর্ণ band with sliver trimming. All my life I hated diamonds and I have never worn any, he new that. New tears welled up in my hazels eyes.
Marriage. The word ran threw my ever fiber turning off all the responses in my body. I sat there in awe. Marriage. I had never thought of this before. I thought it would be an awful thing. My oldest sister had been married 3 time and she wasn’t even 45 yet, I'm 21, I still have my whole life ahead of me am I really ready for this. Marriage. The nerves in my head just couldn’t click to that word. It’s was a bad word. Marriage. I didn’t deserve to use this word. I cheated on him. Will this make it better? Marriage.
If I say yes then what, we stay here till the end of the summer and get married just before school. But if I say no then this will crush both of us. My brain is saying no and that I have so much ahead of me. I'm going to be a great doctor in 4 years why can I just wait. My হৃদয় is saying you’ve waited long enough. But you’re too young and you’re not ready.
I had been with him since freshmen বছর in college. Yeah, it took 4 years to get to this দিন but I wasn’t ready for this. Do I say ‘not this বছর Ethan, try again in 06’ no I can’t this was it I had to say something now. For better অথবা worst. Richer unto poor. I do. I do প্রণয় আপনি so lets go make a public statement.
The color was draining out of his face “Rachel?” he ব্যক্ত slightly blushing. I'm not ready I don't have my answer yet I need a মিনিট to think.
I হারিয়ে গেছে all connection to my হৃদয় and brain, my lips took over instead. “Yes Ethan Ellison I would প্রণয় to merry you” relief took over his whole body as he placed the ring on my left hand.
My brain was screaming idiot and my হৃদয় ব্যক্ত if আপনি must. I let out a big breath and hugged my fiancé.
Cold Toes
Prologue
June 30, 2004
11:45 Open Door Eating
It’s the worst দিন in the world for a lunch date. I look like hell my light brown hair was frizzing like a poodle. Damn this humid summer, only in Texas the humidity 90% all the time. And this place is like a hut; all the hot air coming from the windows is blowing out the A/C. How is any one able to enjoy lunch when they are drinking the air?
I looked over to Ethan, who was making his way towards the table. We had been together so long in this little town. I প্রণয় it to death but I think its time to সরানো out. Greene, Texas has nothing to offer me in the medical field. Sure, the college has gotten me started but I want to be an oncologist, and its just not here. Both of my parents had cancer in there lifetime. I just wanted to help other people get through it.
“Hi Rachel, ” Ethan looked hansom, the humidity was gleaming off him. He lived here all his live, I, on the other hand, moved here my junior বছর in high school from San Francisco, California. It wasn’t just the way his perfectly tanned skin glistened in the humidity that made me fall for him, it was that dimple on his left cheek, the baby blue eyes with that messy black hair.
I stood to চুম্বন my wonderful boyfriend, “Hello Ethan, how are you?” I never ask stupid প্রশ্ন like this. The world has been trained to answer ‘good’ no matter what. Then again I always ask stupid প্রশ্ন when I'm nervous. I have no idea what is going on today and I'm sweating like a pig before the slaughterhouse.
“I'm good, আপনি look beautiful.” He smiled, and took a slip of water. Ha! I look beautiful, this dress is much too tight and I'm bloated. Can he not see the swear marks under my arms. I wasn’t looking all that great.
All through lunch Ethan was anxious. What could be oh his mind? He looked down in his lap and at his খাবার when he would talk. He was debating telling me something. Oh God, I think he knows about Justin.
Justin was his best friend and 2 weeks পূর্বে I accidentally slept with him. How do আপনি accidentally sleep with আপনি boyfriend’s best friend. We were at a party and I was drunk we had just got into a huge fight before. I left and went upstairs to a room and Justin was in there what was I suppose to do, talk about my feeling. I feel awful I want to tell him but its too much pain, I cant even thing about it.
“Ok I have to ask আপনি something,” he insisted. I don't think he knows. He wouldn’t be so calm. He would be much angrier. My হৃদয় began to pound when he reached over the টেবিল and held my hand. He looked in to my eyes. I didn’t know what I looked like right now. Frighten, nervous, panicked, they were all jumbled across my face. I curved my lips up into a smile, “What is it.” I ব্যক্ত moving a strand of hair behind my ear with my empty hand.
“I want to সরানো to Delaware with you,” he ব্যক্ত breathing heavily. “I know আপনি applied there for medical school so I decided I want to go with আপনি I mean we just graduated college, and I don’t need anymore school, so there is no point in staying here.” He went on about what his parents think, but I stopped listening.
He knew about Delaware. I didn’t even tell him, I wasn’t even sure if I got accepted to Harp Medical School. I had been looking at schools in the area and I applied to Marlon’s and Harrington’s just outside of the Huston metropolitan area hoping we could stay close to home. He was really going to be there for me. He was going to follow me in my hope to becoming a doctor. I felt my eyes water up, I bit my bottom lip and mid sentence, I leaned over the টেবিল and I kissed him. This was the sweetest thing any one has ever done for me.
“Wow I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet.” He mumbled as I sat back down. The best part, there was something better then this. What could be better following me wherever I decide to go? I lightly chucked and whipped the tear from my eye.
He stood up and kneeled beside me. Oh god no this was not happening “Rachel Brian, I প্রণয় আপনি with all my heart. I will do anything for you. আপনি are my life and I will follow আপনি wherever আপনি will go. Will আপনি merry me?” he held my ring, the ring I had dreamed of since I was a girl. A স্বর্ণ band with sliver trimming. All my life I hated diamonds and I have never worn any, he new that. New tears welled up in my hazels eyes.
Marriage. The word ran threw my ever fiber turning off all the responses in my body. I sat there in awe. Marriage. I had never thought of this before. I thought it would be an awful thing. My oldest sister had been married 3 time and she wasn’t even 45 yet, I'm 21, I still have my whole life ahead of me am I really ready for this. Marriage. The nerves in my head just couldn’t click to that word. It’s was a bad word. Marriage. I didn’t deserve to use this word. I cheated on him. Will this make it better? Marriage.
If I say yes then what, we stay here till the end of the summer and get married just before school. But if I say no then this will crush both of us. My brain is saying no and that I have so much ahead of me. I'm going to be a great doctor in 4 years why can I just wait. My হৃদয় is saying you’ve waited long enough. But you’re too young and you’re not ready.
I had been with him since freshmen বছর in college. Yeah, it took 4 years to get to this দিন but I wasn’t ready for this. Do I say ‘not this বছর Ethan, try again in 06’ no I can’t this was it I had to say something now. For better অথবা worst. Richer unto poor. I do. I do প্রণয় আপনি so lets go make a public statement.
The color was draining out of his face “Rachel?” he ব্যক্ত slightly blushing. I'm not ready I don't have my answer yet I need a মিনিট to think.
I হারিয়ে গেছে all connection to my হৃদয় and brain, my lips took over instead. “Yes Ethan Ellison I would প্রণয় to merry you” relief took over his whole body as he placed the ring on my left hand.
My brain was screaming idiot and my হৃদয় ব্যক্ত if আপনি must. I let out a big breath and hugged my fiancé.
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Tick, tick, tick
That sound, constant in my head,
A sound that haunts every mind,
A sound that brings fear,
A clock,
Ticking the সেকেন্ড of your life away,
Making life shorter and shorter with every tick,
Drawing death nearer and nearer,
But আপনি should not live in fear,
For life is too short for such a thing,
Some people waste these precious seconds,
Others treasure them, making sure that no tick is wasted,
The clock ticks on,
But as this sound is registered,
What do আপনি do?
Tick, tick, tick
Three আরো seconds, gone, like that,
Did আপনি use them well?
Live life,
For life is too short to spend these সেকেন্ড in hell.
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Tick, tick, tick
That sound, constant in my head,
A sound that haunts every mind,
A sound that brings fear,
A clock,
Ticking the সেকেন্ড of your life away,
Making life shorter and shorter with every tick,
Drawing death nearer and nearer,
But আপনি should not live in fear,
For life is too short for such a thing,
Some people waste these precious seconds,
Others treasure them, making sure that no tick is wasted,
The clock ticks on,
But as this sound is registered,
What do আপনি do?
Tick, tick, tick
Three আরো seconds, gone, like that,
Did আপনি use them well?
Live life,
For life is too short to spend these সেকেন্ড in hell.
His Melody
To quiet the tears
She sings him to sleep
When the morning has dawned
He can’t be roused from a rest so deep
She sings him to sleep
Night after night
And when he does not awaken
Her will to go on grows slight
She sits and waits while he’s away
She remembers his laugh and smile
Oh what a joy to see his joy
She lifts up a prayer “May I see him in a short while?”
She sits at the window and waits
The sun sets slowly behind the পাহাড়
The others say hello but she doesn’t hear
She is waiting to make the tears still
The time has come she cannot wait
She sets out to see her boy
To stop the tears
To bring him joy
But the tears she stills are not his
They fall from her eyes
She sings his lullaby again tonight
As she kisses the stone and her son good bye
To quiet the tears
She sings him to sleep
When the morning has dawned
He can’t be roused from a rest so deep
She sings him to sleep
Night after night
And when he does not awaken
Her will to go on grows slight
She sits and waits while he’s away
She remembers his laugh and smile
Oh what a joy to see his joy
She lifts up a prayer “May I see him in a short while?”
She sits at the window and waits
The sun sets slowly behind the পাহাড়
The others say hello but she doesn’t hear
She is waiting to make the tears still
The time has come she cannot wait
She sets out to see her boy
To stop the tears
To bring him joy
But the tears she stills are not his
They fall from her eyes
She sings his lullaby again tonight
As she kisses the stone and her son good bye
Dear record of my misfortune I was correct. Today I walked into class and saw a huge pile of letters on my desk. When I opened them I realized that it was hate mail. It was so stupid, people were getting angry at me for what I did to Jessica when it was her fault! They were saying things like : Die এমো স্টাইল দুশ্চরিত্রা die, bitchy whore. That last মতামত doesn't even apply to me! I haven't even had my first চুম্বন and they are saying this stuff to me! There was one letter that was bot mean even though I don't know who sent it. Inside it ব্যক্ত ফুলেরসাজি are red violets are blue I don't now why they hurt you, if আপনি want I'll tell them to can it, all because I প্রণয় আপনি Janet. I don't know who wrote আপনি প্রণয় poem rhyme thing but I প্রণয় আপনি too!
Is It True আপনি Lie?
Is It True আপনি Hate Me?
Is It True আপনি Want Him?
Is It True You're My Best Friend?
Is It True আপনি Enjoy Hurting Me?
Is It True আপনি Like Me Crying?
Is It True আপনি Talk Behind My Back?
Is It True আপনি Tell People Our Bussiness?
Is It True I Hurt You?
Is It True আপনি Back Stabbed Me?
Is It True আপনি Let Me Believe The Lies?
Is It True আপনি Let Me Call আপনি My True Bestfriend When আপনি Weren't?
Is It True.....?
This is A Poem Hope Yuh Enjoy It Btw Tell Me What Yuh Think And This Is Just About Me Gettin Hurt After Being Stupid Enough To Believe Her Lies She Wasnt A True Bestfriend
Is It True আপনি Hate Me?
Is It True আপনি Want Him?
Is It True You're My Best Friend?
Is It True আপনি Enjoy Hurting Me?
Is It True আপনি Like Me Crying?
Is It True আপনি Talk Behind My Back?
Is It True আপনি Tell People Our Bussiness?
Is It True I Hurt You?
Is It True আপনি Back Stabbed Me?
Is It True আপনি Let Me Believe The Lies?
Is It True আপনি Let Me Call আপনি My True Bestfriend When আপনি Weren't?
Is It True.....?
This is A Poem Hope Yuh Enjoy It Btw Tell Me What Yuh Think And This Is Just About Me Gettin Hurt After Being Stupid Enough To Believe Her Lies She Wasnt A True Bestfriend
Her eyes were আগুন red,
as if they were
lit from anger.
I dont understand
why আপনি are
mad at me.
Why আপনি shoot
those harsh words
at me.
Aimed like bullets,
piercing my soul.
And It cant heal.
I never can dodge them.
The words hit me,
and I fall back.
My বন্ধু ask me:
"What's wrong?"
"Can I help?"
But they cant help.
Because I dont understand,
why আপনি are mad.
Why do আপনি have to do
what আপনি do to me?
Why does it give আপনি
joy to harm me?
Why?
Why are people bullies?
Why dont my বন্ধু take action?
Why cant আপনি tell me WHY?
as if they were
lit from anger.
I dont understand
why আপনি are
mad at me.
Why আপনি shoot
those harsh words
at me.
Aimed like bullets,
piercing my soul.
And It cant heal.
I never can dodge them.
The words hit me,
and I fall back.
My বন্ধু ask me:
"What's wrong?"
"Can I help?"
But they cant help.
Because I dont understand,
why আপনি are mad.
Why do আপনি have to do
what আপনি do to me?
Why does it give আপনি
joy to harm me?
Why?
Why are people bullies?
Why dont my বন্ধু take action?
Why cant আপনি tell me WHY?
Streetlamps, houses, gates, remotes, books, CDs and televisions. Brothers. Pairs. Each has a twin. In this chaotic place of materials the world has come to be, everything has a brother. But brothers are family. And family is connected somehow; if not দ্বারা blood, then দ্বারা what?
Energy.
Look hard. At everything that has a brother. A line of energy casts a connection between the two. The energy, with its harsh glares and cold looks creates the strongest and most complex bonds. Strong because of their brotherhood. Complex because of its invisibility. For there is power in invisibility. Cold, cruel power. The power to be a persecutor with no chance of being a victim. The power to twist and squeeze but not feel the wrenching pain of your twists.
Now, আপনি ask, what is left? Cruel, invisible energy. For a cruel, invisible world.
This is my first time লেখা in stream of consciousness. I know it's short but don't judge me too harshly.
Energy.
Look hard. At everything that has a brother. A line of energy casts a connection between the two. The energy, with its harsh glares and cold looks creates the strongest and most complex bonds. Strong because of their brotherhood. Complex because of its invisibility. For there is power in invisibility. Cold, cruel power. The power to be a persecutor with no chance of being a victim. The power to twist and squeeze but not feel the wrenching pain of your twists.
Now, আপনি ask, what is left? Cruel, invisible energy. For a cruel, invisible world.
This is my first time লেখা in stream of consciousness. I know it's short but don't judge me too harshly.