-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when আপনি speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! আপনি aren’t supposed to reply when I tell আপনি about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: আপনি were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t আপনি use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is আরো dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let আপনি see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Edward: Exactly.
Bella: আপনি won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from আপনি a বছর ago! If আপনি are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: Bitch…
Bella: Slut!
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: আপনি can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to প্রদর্শনী you.
Bella: Why won’t আপনি sleep with me?! Do আপনি hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The পরবর্তি day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! আপনি just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did আপনি do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Bella: Really?
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car দ্বারা tomorrow, though, অথবা else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If আপনি don’t want me to stalk আপনি tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer অথবা not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The পরবর্তি দিন at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But আপনি don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: আপনি want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Bella: Why?
Mike: I dunno. The লেখক of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic অথবা witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: আপনি sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while আপনি go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: আপনি have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if আপনি wanna get laid I don’t want to see আপনি as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Jacob: Yes.
Bella: That’s not going to help আপনি get some, either.
Jacob: No.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told আপনি were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who ব্যক্ত that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if আপনি ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn আপনি and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going প্রথমপাতা now.
Jacob: Whhhhyyyy??
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him দ্বারা being with আপনি so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: নমস্কার Eddie!
Edward: Did আপনি give him the quarter?
Bella: No…
Edward: আপনি got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. আপনি can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The পরবর্তি day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! আপনি keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over আপনি for the পরবর্তি couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Edward: -leaves-
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Alice: Close.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR এমো স্টাইল AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN আপনি NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One ঘন্টা later-
Rosalie: নমস্কার Bella! Just came in here to tell আপনি why I would rather choke বেড়ালছানা and then eat their flesh before making আপনি officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if আপনি pitied me আপনি would feel bad and do things my way. Do আপনি sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
-At school-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
-At beach-
Jacob: So…
Bella: So.
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Mhmm…
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: দ্বারা asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Jacob: Well…
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. ভ্যাম্পায়ার can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill আপনি before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
Jacob: Damn.
-The পরবর্তি night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from বড়দিন Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The পরবর্তি day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: Who?
Edward: Santa.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. অথবা the Easter Bunny.
Bella: অথবা the Volturi. অথবা an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want আপনি to choose me. I প্রণয় you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, আপনি do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make আপনি প্রণয় me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape আপনি yet, god. আপনি have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t আপনি be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take আপনি প্রথমপাতা now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
-Graduation Day-
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz অথবা someone else who could give আপনি all the answers?
Alice: No. আপনি look আরো like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess আপনি should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on এমো স্টাইল boy.
-At graduation-
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save আপনি from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
-At party-
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to নেকড়ে boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: নমস্কার Bella! I got আপনি a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! আপনি -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a নেকড়ে on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that আপনি –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do আপনি have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Oh.
-awkward silence-
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something আপনি have to tell me?
Bella: No…
Jacob: Yes there is! আপনি are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn ভ্যাম্পায়ার coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn ভ্যাম্পায়ার coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
-after party-
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: আপনি don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what আপনি think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of ছুরি fights before, I have the most experience fighting than আপনি lame গাধা pacifists. So, I’ll teach আপনি guys how to ছুরি our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! আপনি JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. প্রদর্শনী us how to go all second-hand এমো স্টাইল on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: নমস্কার Bella? Will আপনি marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Edward: Fine.
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do আপনি do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts দ্বারা the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
-In forest-
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out দ্বারা banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five মিনিট later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: অথবা at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: আপনি can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in প্রণয় with Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my হৃদয় flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, আপনি know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can আপনি give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: নমস্কার Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! আপনি have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! আপনি make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those পূর্ববর্তি .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: আপনি need to চুম্বন me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have আপনি seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did আপনি see those muscles? Wait, are আপনি gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He ব্যক্ত the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 মিনিট later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would আপনি know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I ব্যক্ত never held hands with a GIRL.
Jacob: Oh.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for আপনি to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
-In tent-
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Bella: What?
Edward: That’s what she said. আপনি know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes আপনি are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? আপনি agree with me?
Edward: Yep.
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because আপনি are in প্রণয় with another man while আপনি are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know আপনি are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in প্রণয় with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do আপনি hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because আপনি are a stupid and wimpy human.
Bella: Ouch.
Edward: Oh, and দ্বারা the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five মিনিট later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did আপনি pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan অথবা something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do আপনি understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: নমস্কার Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
-At meadow-
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force আপনি into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think আপনি want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when আপনি speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! আপনি aren’t supposed to reply when I tell আপনি about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: আপনি were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t আপনি use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is আরো dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let আপনি see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Edward: Exactly.
Bella: আপনি won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from আপনি a বছর ago! If আপনি are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: Bitch…
Bella: Slut!
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: আপনি can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to প্রদর্শনী you.
Bella: Why won’t আপনি sleep with me?! Do আপনি hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The পরবর্তি day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! আপনি just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did আপনি do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Bella: Really?
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car দ্বারা tomorrow, though, অথবা else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If আপনি don’t want me to stalk আপনি tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer অথবা not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The পরবর্তি দিন at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But আপনি don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: আপনি want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Bella: Why?
Mike: I dunno. The লেখক of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic অথবা witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: আপনি sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while আপনি go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: আপনি have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if আপনি wanna get laid I don’t want to see আপনি as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Jacob: Yes.
Bella: That’s not going to help আপনি get some, either.
Jacob: No.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told আপনি were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who ব্যক্ত that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if আপনি ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn আপনি and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going প্রথমপাতা now.
Jacob: Whhhhyyyy??
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him দ্বারা being with আপনি so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: নমস্কার Eddie!
Edward: Did আপনি give him the quarter?
Bella: No…
Edward: আপনি got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. আপনি can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The পরবর্তি day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! আপনি keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over আপনি for the পরবর্তি couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Edward: -leaves-
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Alice: Close.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR এমো স্টাইল AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN আপনি NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One ঘন্টা later-
Rosalie: নমস্কার Bella! Just came in here to tell আপনি why I would rather choke বেড়ালছানা and then eat their flesh before making আপনি officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if আপনি pitied me আপনি would feel bad and do things my way. Do আপনি sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
-At school-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
-At beach-
Jacob: So…
Bella: So.
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Mhmm…
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: দ্বারা asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Jacob: Well…
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. ভ্যাম্পায়ার can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill আপনি before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
Jacob: Damn.
-The পরবর্তি night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from বড়দিন Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The পরবর্তি day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: Who?
Edward: Santa.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. অথবা the Easter Bunny.
Bella: অথবা the Volturi. অথবা an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want আপনি to choose me. I প্রণয় you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, আপনি do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make আপনি প্রণয় me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape আপনি yet, god. আপনি have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t আপনি be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take আপনি প্রথমপাতা now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
-Graduation Day-
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz অথবা someone else who could give আপনি all the answers?
Alice: No. আপনি look আরো like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess আপনি should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on এমো স্টাইল boy.
-At graduation-
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save আপনি from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
-At party-
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to নেকড়ে boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: নমস্কার Bella! I got আপনি a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! আপনি -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a নেকড়ে on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that আপনি –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do আপনি have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Oh.
-awkward silence-
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something আপনি have to tell me?
Bella: No…
Jacob: Yes there is! আপনি are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn ভ্যাম্পায়ার coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn ভ্যাম্পায়ার coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
-after party-
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: আপনি don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what আপনি think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of ছুরি fights before, I have the most experience fighting than আপনি lame গাধা pacifists. So, I’ll teach আপনি guys how to ছুরি our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! আপনি JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. প্রদর্শনী us how to go all second-hand এমো স্টাইল on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: নমস্কার Bella? Will আপনি marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Edward: Fine.
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do আপনি do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts দ্বারা the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
-In forest-
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out দ্বারা banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five মিনিট later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: অথবা at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: আপনি can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in প্রণয় with Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my হৃদয় flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, আপনি know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can আপনি give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: নমস্কার Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! আপনি have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! আপনি make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those পূর্ববর্তি .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: আপনি need to চুম্বন me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have আপনি seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did আপনি see those muscles? Wait, are আপনি gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He ব্যক্ত the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 মিনিট later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would আপনি know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I ব্যক্ত never held hands with a GIRL.
Jacob: Oh.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for আপনি to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
-In tent-
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Bella: What?
Edward: That’s what she said. আপনি know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes আপনি are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? আপনি agree with me?
Edward: Yep.
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because আপনি are in প্রণয় with another man while আপনি are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know আপনি are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in প্রণয় with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do আপনি hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because আপনি are a stupid and wimpy human.
Bella: Ouch.
Edward: Oh, and দ্বারা the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five মিনিট later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did আপনি pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan অথবা something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do আপনি understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: নমস্কার Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
-At meadow-
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force আপনি into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think আপনি want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!
