Tell me what আপনি think Captive; chapter one

Chapter One; Kidnapped
(original story দ্বারা allieee)


From one minute, I'm walking প্রথমপাতা in the rain with my i-pod and the next, I'm being thrown into the backseat of a car. My effort in fighting is worthless, especially when two men are holding me down and I have a bandanna over my eyes and inside my mouth.
I have never been this scared in my life. Not even when the whole family vacationed in Texas and I got stung দ্বারা a scorpion. অথবা when my older brother Bradley got in a car accident from drunk driving.
I had never known anyone who had ever been kidnapped, just heard stories in newspapers, on TV, অথবা through forwarded text messages.
Now it was happening to me.
The guy to my right jerks the bandanna out of my mouth and asks "Are আপনি Kori Beckitt?"
I refuse to answer. Why should I cooperate.
He slaps me. Hard. And I don't mean little sister play fight hard, I am talking knock your tooth out hard. "Ow!" I cry and hold my cheek. At first it's numb, but soon it's pure sting. "Yes!" I scream. "How do আপনি know me? How do আপনি know my name!?" I ask. Instead of answering he shoves the bandanna back in my mouth.
The car stops.
"Hey Daniel! Carry her in!" A man yells. The car door opens up. Someone's hands grip around my back and on my thighs. "I'm sorry," he whispers to me. Even though I am scared to death, I feel comfortable in this strangers arms. Judging দ্বারা his voice I'd say he's around my age. Sixteen অথবা seventeen, maybe eighteen. He removes the bandannas from my eyes and mouth but doesn't let me down. I study his face for a moment. His eyes are hazel, his hair is dark brown, and his lips, perfect. He was certainly above average. I take my eyes off his and look around. It's a large room with one কুইন sized mattress in the corner. The walls are white, the floors are concrete. There might as well have been a sign along the road saying "Hell, brought to আপনি by, 1-800 kidnappers," But I realize this is no time for stupid thoughts in my head. I need to think of
 Allieee posted বছরখানেক আগে
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লেখা উত্তর

r-pattz said:
Well, honestly, I don't like it at all. Hell, I'm no editor, অথবা master writer, but the least I can do is tell আপনি why I didn't like it. Here goes nothing...

It was boring. It doesn't seem very original, and the descriptions were just... typical. (Especially the one of the guy. Perfection does not make for a good character. Give him something like a scar, limp, a nose ring.) And really, don't say things like: "I have never been this scared in my life." Describe the fear, why আপনি are afraid, the state your mind is in, things like that. Elaborate, is what I'm trying to say. Make the reader feel what the storyteller does, maybe দ্বারা using all the senses, painting a vivid picture. Body language helps tons, and since this is first person elaborate on reasoning, অথবা lack thereof.
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posted বছরখানেক আগে 
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thank you(:
Allieee posted বছরখানেক আগে
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maybe আপনি should be a writer haha
Allieee posted বছরখানেক আগে
XDRoseLuvsHP said:
I think this has potential.

I would suggest adding আরো detail. Instead of jumping right into the kidnapping, start the story at the end of the school day. It gives us a chance to connect with the character, catch her personality from the beginning (making her normal is good, just be careful not to convert her into a Mary Sue. I can't tell if she's there yet, but just be careful; it often happens in kidnapping stories.) She has a laugh with her বন্ধু maybe, perhaps she notices something weird, like someone staring at her অথবা something, but she shrugs it off. Build up the tension before the action. Also, I think maybe আপনি could add আরো between the time in the car and the time she was taken out. Have her emotions ride through a bit more, have a few snippets of conversation to give the reader tiny, subtle hints and clues as to what is going on, but not quite enough to piece together just yet.

I just wanted to mention a couple of mistakes.
-A couple of grammar errors.
-She is blindfolded, so how did she know that it was the guy on the right who took of the mouth bandanna?
-She may feel attracted to the guy carrying her into the house, but don't forget about her fear. She'd probably still be pretty freaked out!

But honestly, it is a decent start. With some editing and adding, I think that maybe আপনি can eventually have a pretty good story! Good luck! :)
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posted বছরখানেক আগে 
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Thank you. (: And I will do that হাঃ হাঃ হাঃ
Allieee posted বছরখানেক আগে
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